Self-Worth, Relationships and Sex

Self-Worth, Relationships and Sex

Have you ever felt caught in a mode of hustling or negotiating for your self-worth? Do you ever feel like no matter how much you give to others, especially your partner, it’s never enough?

Over the last two decades, Licensed Clinical Psychologist Dr. Alexandra H. Solomon has become one of today’s most trusted voices in the world of relationships and her work on Relational Self-Awareness has reached millions of people around the world. 

What is Relational Self-Awareness? Relational self-awareness is the idea that the healthiest foundation for intimate partnership is an ongoing, curious, and passionate relationship with the self.

Shame and blame can be detrimental to any kind of relationship, especially romantic relationships…

Shame might show up as something like: “I’m too broken… My trauma is too big… I’m not enough…”

Blame might show up as something like: “If you didn’t have that characteristic or issue, we wouldn’t be having this problem.”

But there’s no one to blame and there is no use in shaming yourself. 

When you start to take note of the patterns and the unique dance between you and your partner, or as Dr. Alexandra calls it, the Golden Equation of Love (“my stuff + your stuff = our stuff”), your relationship will grow to be much healthier, passionate, stable, and loving. 

Through relational self-awareness, Dr. Alexandra is inviting people just like you into that perspective and providing tools for how to return to that perspective when you lose hold of it.

What if my partner and I get into an argument or disagreement? Dr. Alexandra recommends this strategy for resolving conflict: Next time you’re having a conflict with your partner, stop and walk away from each other, sit down, and write down the story of the conflict from the perspective of a neutral third party who loves you both very much.

This practice forces the mind and heart into a more compassionate, relational stance, thus improving relationship satisfaction.

Behind every complaint or irritating frustration is an unmet need. 

When you have a healthy relationship with yourself and you know how to self-soothe and be there for yourself, it’s much easier to have your needs met. When your needs aren’t met, try doing some self-reflection, identify your needs, and lovingly communicate them to yourself and your partner. Trust me, mountains will be moved when this becomes a habitual practice!

Remember, you don’t need a relationship or a ring to affirm you or to prove your self-worth.

The self-worth journey is all about learning a different way of being with yourself. It’s not something you check off your to-do list, it’s a continual journey of navigating your life. 

To have a healthy relationship with yourself means that when you encounter challenging situations, you don’t expect perfection from yourself. Instead, you give yourself grace and figure out how to prepare or gather your resources so you can support yourself through this difficult time. We’re humans. Humans have difficulties sometimes and we have the power to accommodate for that.

It’s time to take your sexy back, ladies!

The significance of self-worth gets multiplied when we start talking about sex and sexuality. Dr. Alexandra emphasizes the importance of establishing boundaries, becoming aware of your needs, and identifying whether or not you feel safe and satisfied during sexual interactions. If you know what makes you feel good and can communicate that, the rewards are profound. That may sound obvious to you, but our culture has done a great job of making women feel like they should be passive during sex and shouldn’t explore and talk about their sexual desires. 

Have you explored your body and your worthiness lately? What might be blocking your pleasure? 

If we are hustling for worthiness during sexual intimacy, we’re focused on performing. When we’re performing, we’re not able to focus on the pleasure and connection between ourselves and our partner.

Through mindfulness, exploration of the self, and stepping out into your self-worth journey, I know you can reach the most mind-blowing, life-altering, self-affirming bliss you’ve ever experienced in a romantic relationship. Just remember, it all starts with the self.

About Dr. Alexandra H. Solomon:

Over the last two decades, Dr. Alexandra H. Solomon has become one of today’s most trusted voices in the world of relationships, and her work on Relational Self-Awareness has reached millions of people around the world. Dr. Solomon is a licensed clinical psychologist at The Family Institute at Northwestern University, and she is on faculty in the School of Education and Social Policy at Northwestern University where she teaches the internationally renowned course, Building Loving and Lasting Relationships: Marriage 101. In addition to writing articles and chapters for leading academic journals and books in the field of marriage and family, she is the author of two bestselling books, Loving Bravely and Taking Sexy Back. Dr. Solomon regularly presents to diverse groups that include the United States Military Academy at West Point and Microsoft, and she is frequently asked to talk about relationships with media outlets like The Today Show, O Magazine, The Atlantic, Vogue, and Scientific American.

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The Pathway to Unconditional Self-Worth

The Pathway to Unconditional Self-Worth

Your relationship with yourself influences the rest of your life.

A lot has happened since the last episode of Unconditionally Worthy… I got married, had the wedding of my dreams, and went on a beautiful honeymoon! We all know how chaotic weddings can be, especially during a pandemic, but what helped me to be present during my wedding and truly enjoy it was that I was grounded in my worthiness. 

The pathway to unconditional self-worth is right in front of you.

Oftentimes, people don’t know where to start or how to start their journey to unconditional self-worth. Are you one of those people? If so, you’re in the right place!

This episode is all about uncovering the pathway to feeling unconditionally worthy. 

I spent years overworking myself, pushing past the point of exhaustion, and being mean and critical to myself while striving for academic excellence. Yet, when I succeeded in passing my dissertation defense, I still didn’t feel worthy, self-assured, or content! 

It’s frustrating! When you do everything you can to feel successful and accomplished, then still find yourself needing more, it can feel defeating. What I learned along my journey was that the answer, the peace I was looking for, wasn’t going to be found outside of myself or in another accomplishment. The peace was going to be found within myself and through my relationship with myself.

So, that’s where you start. The way to unconditional self-worth is through a healthy, supportive, loving relationship with yourself. It’s the foundation of our lives! Start focusing more on yourself.

What do you actually need in your life to feel good? What feels authentic and aligned for you?

The way you view yourself and treat yourself impacts every aspect of your life, from your professional life to your family life and especially your love life! If you nurture your relationship with yourself, being kind, encouraging, and uplifting, you will find more contentment. Life won’t feel like a competition or a continuous loop of harsh criticism. You’ll begin to honor your boundaries, your needs, and your true talent, which is so empowering.

How does self-criticism impact you? Does it truly motivate you? If it does, how sustainable is it?

We don’t need harsh criticism to feel successful. To be good friends with ourselves is to have a good, soothing life. When we take the steps to care for ourselves and love ourselves, we remind ourselves of who we really are and how worthy we are.

What is your relationship with yourself like? Would you allow other people to treat you the way you treat yourself?

The first step to building a strong, loving relationship with yourself is to be radically honest.

So, I challenge you to do some self-inquiry and reflect on the questions I’ve posed above.

I also created a fun little quiz to help you connect with yourself and start on the pathway towards unconditional self-worth. 

Take the Which Date Night Are You? quiz here: & share your results with me by sharing them on social media and tagging me!

Plus, stay tuned for my new course that’s launching at the end of September! The course is dedicated to getting you started on this journey to self-worth through building a healthy relationship with yourself.

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How to Stop Playing the Victim be the Hero of Your Life

How to Stop Playing the Victim be the Hero of Your Life

There were times in my life where I played victim and times where I felt empowered to make things happen. There were times where I felt like things were happening to me and times where I tried to control everything just to calm my anxiety. Can you relate? 

Succumbing to a victim mentality is exhausting! Sometimes life throws so many challenges and obstacles at us, it’s hard to keep our chin up and remain the hero of our own life. When so much is going wrong or not going the way you expected, do you blame yourself? Do you blame others? Do you let the urge to complain consume the happiness and positivity in your life? 

Complaining and blaming truly doesn’t change anything. At the core of it all is our relationship to our self-worth. During the times I felt like the world was punishing me, deep down, I didn’t have a healthy mindset around my self-worth. I didn’t feel worthy of success, love, happiness, or peace. “If I had just been better, maybe my relationship would have worked out. If I had just been wiser, I could have been more prepared to navigate my career/education.” Have you ever found yourself thinking these kinds of thoughts?

I don’t want to diminish your hardships because I know we all experience hurt, trauma, and unfortunate events. I’m not saying other people don’t contribute to your hardships, but I do know that when we keep blaming ourselves or others for our circumstances, we end up feeling stuck and like there’s nothing we can do to change our lives. The reality is, we almost always have choices we can make to improve our situation. 

Do you find yourself resisting suggestions or resisting the options you have to improve your life? If you hold onto the idea that there is nothing you can do to change your life, you may be caught up in the victim mentality. 

The good news is, there are ways to get out of the victim mentality. Explore whether playing the victim has genuinely benefited your life or not. Identify the feelings and thoughts you have about yourself that have allowed you to settle in the victim mindset. Do you feel or fear that you’re not worthy of anything better? Are you punishing yourself for past mistakes, challenges, or failures? Do you feel like you deserve these hardships? Is that really how you want to live your life?

Make yourself the hero of your life.

When you’re the hero of your life, you acknowledge the challenges in life and the impact of trauma without focusing on blaming other people or institutions for your pain. Do not allow these experiences to take away your innate power or agency. 

Assuming the role of the hero means that you take responsibility for your life and you don’t give that responsibility, that power, to anyone else. This can be scary because sometimes it feels safer to blame others for what’s happening, but when you don’t take responsibility for yourself, you miss out on the life that you most desire. When you’re the hero, you’re in the driver’s seat. You have the ability to decide where to go and what music to play on the way! Every decision you make is a chance to align with your values and take another step closer to achieving your goals, meaning you can start RIGHT NOW.

Once you open your eyes to your power and your heroic energy, your options become more clear to see. When you’re the hero of your own story, you won’t be as reactive to life’s challenges and setbacks. Instead, you envision the life you want for yourself, face challenges head on, and courageously pursue your vision, asking for help and support along the way.

Being the hero can look like setting healthy boundaries in your relationships, deciding to look for a new job because your current workplace is toxic, or just incorporating more fruits and vegetables into your diet. 

What is one thing you can take responsibility for right now? Identify that as well as 2-3 action steps you can take in the next week to start making a change in your life. Notice what it feels like to connect to and own your power and to embody the hero within you.

Remember, you are worthy of the life you have envisioned for yourself and the world will be a better place once you’re the hero.

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Stop Holding Yourself Back & Start Believing in Yourself

Stop Holding Yourself Back & Start Believing in Yourself

When you feel unworthy, it’s pretty much impossible to live life to the fullest. 

Low self-worth keeps us from shining our light and sharing our gifts with the world. 

My time as a dancer has taught me that in order to perform full out, meaning putting your all into your movement without holding back, you must practice full out. You can’t expect your body to go full out in your performance if you’ve never done that during practice, right? I believe this also applies to anything else in life. 

Just like in dance, something transformative happens when you put your all into something. Too often we hold ourselves back, afraid of getting onto the metaphorical dancefloor, afraid of judgement from others, and afraid of failing or looking stupid. 

Do you stay in the safety zone of life? Do you hold yourself back from pursuing your dreams or taking risks? Are you afraid of being vulnerable or being criticized?

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, ‘Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?’ Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” ― Marianne Williamson

We are born to be brilliant and to let ourselves shine. When we do that, beautiful things happen.

How are you holding yourself back in life? Here are a few examples you might resonate with…

  • You see your dream job listed, but you don’t apply for it because you’re not sure if you’re ready or if you’re qualified, even though you’ve been in the industry for a while.
  • Procrastination! You have a big presentation or project that you put off because it makes you anxious and you feel like you have to do it perfectly. You’re worried about the criticism of others, so you wait until the last day possible to get it done.
  • Going out drinking or getting high the night before a big interview, leaving you not as sharp or as calm as you could be.
  • Knowing you have great ideas for a project but you don’t take the lead or share your ideas because you’re worried about the judgement you’ll receive if things don’t go well.
  • Knowing where you want to go in life and what your strengths are, but you hold them back and hide them because you’re scared of vulnerability or you’re worried you’re not good enough. 

2 Ways Self-Sabotage Hold Us Back in Life

When we feel unworthy, we’re much more likely to hold ourselves back in life. When we feel unworthy, we can’t see our gifts and strengths because we’re too caught up in self-judgement and self-criticism. If we don’t know our gifts, we’re less likely to shine and share them with others.

Another way low self-worth holds us back is we don’t feel like we’re worthy of success and love. We don’t feel like we should experience success, so we keep ourselves from it. This relates to imposter syndrome, which causes us to feel like a fake or like we don’t truly deserve success, despite our accomplishments and our innate worthiness. 

Have you had trouble identifying your strengths and talents? Have you felt like an imposter, causing you to hide and play small?

Operating from a place of lack causes us to feel resentful, burned out, and frustrated in our giving to the world. In contrast, when operating from a place of unconditional worthiness, what we give is not about proving our worth, it’s about showing up and giving from a place of abundance and power. 

When you allow yourself to go full out… yes, sometimes you fall or make mistakes, but your mistakes are not meant to keep you from showing up and trying again. You can get back up and keep going. Don’t let the fear of falling keep you from dancing. Life is so much better when you go full out! When you go full out, you get to experience the bliss and the power of your strengths and talents.

The Best Strategy for Overcoming Self-Sabotage

Focus on your intention instead of perfection. Focus on the process instead of the outcome. Focusing too much on the goal or performing perfectly causes us to feel overly anxious, making it more likely for us to self-sabotage. Get clear on your intention and how you want to show up. 

Is your intention to inspire people, to educate people, to learn something, to share your ideas, to help others connect? This can be applied to anything! A date, a presentation, a job interview, trying a new hobby or recipe, etc. When you do this, you’re able to be present, to relax, and to enjoy yourself in the process.

Identify one area of your life where you’ve been holding yourself back and where you’ve noticed yourself sabotaging your success. Identify 1-2 intentions and commit to going full out. Then, see what happens! Take note of the feedback you receive. My guess is that the experience is going to feel better and you’ll receive even better feedback. 

Remember, the world is a better place when you’re living full out.

Send me a DM or an email about your experience, I’d love to hear about it!

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You Are Worthy of Joy

You Are Worthy of Joy

How can you start to expand your capacity for joy? What are the fears underlying you allowing joy into your life? 

The truth is… I used to complain a lot. Fortunately, I’ve evolved to a place where I don’t feel the need to complain much anymore, but having reflected upon my past as a complainer, I’ve realized that all of the complaining I did was a sign that I had a limited capacity for joy. I felt more comfortable having something to complain about than having something to be joyful about. Ironic isn’t it!

Even though I’ve always been a generally happy person, I didn’t feel comfortable fully expressing joy. In fact, I felt more able to connect with others through complaints and mutual suffering. As they say, misery loves company… but who wants company that’s constantly miserable?!

Do you tend to complain about things? Is your default to find something wrong or negative about a situation? Do you have trouble leaning into the joyful parts of life? Take a moment to check in with those answers without judgement. The first step to increasing the joy in your life is recognizing the amount that you complain or focus on the negatives. 

It wasn’t until I connected with the fact that I am unconditionally worthy of joy that I truly expanded my capacity to feel joy in all its glory. 

When I didn’t feel worthy of love, joy, and success, I felt like I had to make life’s joyous moments smaller by complaining about them. Knowing I was unconditionally worthy opened me up to receiving more joy because I finally felt like I deserved it! What a beautiful place to be!

In order to expand your capacity for joy, you must first start by believing you are worthy of joy. You must also understand what your relationship to joy is.

How do you respond to joy in your life? How do you relate to joy when it shows up? Do you embrace joy and let yourself soak it in or do you start worrying and picking the joy apart into smaller, less enjoyable pieces?

You might find that you have relationships that are built upon complaints. You might find that as you expand your capacity for joy, those relationships are no longer working for you because there isn’t space in that relationship for your joy. There may be loss in this process, but it’s well worth the exploration.

2 Strategies That Will Help You Expand Your Capacity for Joy:

  1. Affirm that you are worthy of joy – It’s not something you should earn, fight for, or prove that you are worthy of. Joy is a human right. Allow yourself to experience joy in large and small moments.
  2. Intentionally lean into the moments of your life that are joyful – Whether that be taking the first bite of your favorite dessert and allowing yourself to indulge in the taste, smell, and texture of it or shifting more of your focus onto the relaxing part of Sundays rather than worrying about the week ahead. Let yourself exist in that joy with presence and gratitude. 

Life is so much better when we allow ourselves to enjoy it. Take these strategies, implement them into your life over the next few weeks, and watch your capacity for joy expand!

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How Low Self-Worthy sets you up for Toxic Relationships

How Low Self-Worthy sets you up for Toxic Relationships

When we feel unworthy, we have an unhealthy relationship with ourselves, making it more likely for us to have toxic relationships with other people. 

Toxic relationships leave us feeling like we are not good enough and that if we could just look prettier, communicate better, be better, or do better… that we’d be worthy of love and acceptance. 

Our relationship with ourselves is the foundation for our relationships with romantic partners and other people, so if we’re in a place of low or conditional self-worth, we won’t feel worthy just as we are. We treat ourselves poorly when we don’t feel that we are worthy of love, respect, and success. This sets us up to attract and be attracted to partners that make us feel like we have to prove our worth and earn their love. 

Even if you’re with someone who loves and accepts you for who you are, you might reject their love because you don’t feel worthy of it! This rejection of love could cause you to sabotage your own relationships in order to push them away so you can cozy up to your unworthiness again. How unhealthy is that?!

This relates to the concept in psychology called cognitive dissonance, which involves feeling uncomfortable when you’re faced with something that contradicts your beliefs. If you believe negative thoughts about yourself, you’ll feel comfortable in relationships that feed off negativity… and vice versa.

Are you tired of pushing away the love that’s offered to you or chasing love that’s just out of your reach?

Your mindset and what you believe about yourself are so essential for building and nurturing healthy relationships, both with yourself and with others. 

Think about your current relationships and your past relationships, as well as the dynamics you have felt most comfortable with. Have you felt more comfortable with a partner who treated you poorly than you were with somebody who treated you with respect and as though you were worthy and lovable?

If you’re feeling exhausted, overextended, unworthy, and not fully yourself in a relationship, I know how you feel. Take a deep breath. It’s time to work on connecting to your unconditional self-worth. This path to unshakable self-worth is the same path that will lead you to true love and acceptance. 

You are not the problem here. If you believe you’re the problem, you’ll keep changing in hopes that maybe you’ll be able to save the relationship and maybe they’ll treat you better. In reality, once you recognize that the relationship dynamic is toxic and is contributing to you feeling unworthy, you can make a more informed choice about whether or not you want to continue the relationship.

I invite you to compassionately offer yourself some comfort and challenge the idea that you should take what you can get. 

It may be hard to believe that you are unconditionally worthy, but it’s the truth of who you are. 

You are unconditionally worthy of receiving love, support, and affection. If you’re in a toxic relationship, one that doesn’t make you feel worthy, you deserve so much better. Don’t settle for being treated poorly. Don’t settle for a relationship where you don’t get your needs met. You may not feel ready to walk away just yet, which is okay, but let’s work together to start setting some healthy boundaries!

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How Self-Worth gets you out of Scarcity and into Abundance

How Self-Worth gets you out of Scarcity and into Abundance

Even when we go through a dark or difficult period of time, there’s always a springtime that follows.

Witnessing abundance in nature can be a powerful way to understand abundance in our own lives. There is an abundance of flowers and leaves and all the beautiful things in life and when you adopt an abundance mindset you will see abundance all around you. 

If you live in a scarcity mindset, you’re worried and scared, you feel like you have to prove yourself, and you don’t feel like there’s enough time, energy, money, etc. For a long time, I lived in a scarcity mindset and I didn’t know it. I felt like there wasn’t a loving partner out there for me. I was jealous of other Black women who were receiving acclaim in the mental health space because I felt like there might not be space for me to be successful in the space as well. I constantly felt like I didn’t have enough time and money. I was always rushing and pushing myself to try achieve the limited success that I thought was available to me. 

Does any of this resonate?

When we live in a scarcity mindset, we operate as if life is a zero-sum game. 

If I win, they lose. If they win, I lose. This makes it hard to celebrate the success of others because they feel like a threat to our success and it makes us feel guilty when we feel success because we worry that we might have taken someone else’s spot. How can we relax and enjoy the positive parts of our lives if we’re constantly living in fear? I invite you to release your belief in scarcity.

Low self-worth leads us to adopt a scarcity mindset. 

When we don’t think we are worthy, we feel like we can’t access abundance or success because of our unworthiness or we feel like we must prove our worth in order to be successful and experience abundance. We may even hold ourselves back, reject positive things, or engage in self-sabotage. What is your orientation to positive things happening in your life?

When we know we are worthy unconditionally, we are able to welcome abundance into our lives because we believe we are worthy of it. 

We’re no longer caught up in the anxious energy of trying to prove our worth and trying to compete and get the few spots at the top. When we know we are worthy, we’re able to own our gifts and strengths, knowing we are guided by our wisdom to pursue the life we most desire instead of being guided by fear. Then, we have trust in ourselves and we can relax into the good things in life. Sounds fabulous, right?

Adopting an abundance mindset and believing in my worthiness of abundance, knowing deeply that I am unconditionally worthy, powerfully transformed my financial status. I doubled my income in the short amount of time after I shifted my mindset to one that was grounded in abundance. This is just one example of a tangible change I experienced after this mindset shift.

Tip: Having a gratitude practice is a powerful way to attract abundance into your life. Write down several things you’re grateful for each day. The most important part of a gratitude practice is soaking in the feeling and the energy of being grateful. When you’re in this energetic state, that is when you’re aligned with abundance. If you’re someone who gets caught up in guilt or fear when you experience positive things in life, gratitude is the antidote!

Our world is drowning in scarcity. It’s all around us, but so is abundance. So, let’s choose abundance.

Although there are problematic systems and structures that limit access to wealth for poor communities and communities of color, abundance is our reality. The truth is that there is more than enough to go around. If we can adopt an abundance mindset as a society, it would be easier to spread wealth and abundance to those who need it.

Remember to keep seeking out positivity and to slow down and deeply connect with it. It might be challenging at first, but working on this connection will also strengthen your connection to your unconditional self-worth, leading you to attract all kinds of abundance into your life… because you deserve it as much as anyone else!

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Self-Compassion as a Doorway to Self-Worth

Self-Compassion as a Doorway to Self-Worth

For years, I was harsh and critical with myself when I made mistakes. I felt that mistakes made me unworthy.

I couldn’t tolerate failure. I thought I had high standards and was pushing myself to be better, but in reality, the harsh criticism was not a necessary part of my growth. In fact, it held me back in so many ways!

When we criticize ourselves, we create negative, unhealthy relationships with ourselves while creating negative and unsafe mental and emotional space within us. Even though we might think harsh self-criticism will make us perform better in life, it’s not sustainable… it’s really just holding us back. We end up doubting and not trusting ourselves, keeping us from the life we want.

If you tend to engage with self-criticism, has it really helped you?

If you’re going to allow yourself to dream big and to pursue those dreams, you’re going to have to let go of the self-criticism.

Self-criticism makes us feel unworthy of achieving our wildest dreams. It keeps us stuck!

What do you replace self-criticism with? I recommend being firm, yet compassionate with yourself. Wouldn’t you rather learn from a supportive, encouraging teacher that holds you accountable than a teacher who never accepts or acknowledges your hard work and your potential? 

Self-compassion is an important doorway to unconditional self-worth because it helps us release the self-criticism that holds us back and keeps us from feeling good about ourselves. Connecting with our unconditional self-worth is about healing and transforming our relationship with ourselves and self-compassion helps us do just that. 

Cultivating a supportive and encouraging relationship with ourselves gives us the foundation to move boldly into the world and confidently share our gifts and strengths (not to prove we’re good enough).

Three core components of self-compassion:

  1. Mindfulness – Sitting with your thoughts and being in the present moment without judgement or evaluation.
  2. Common Humanity – You’re not the only one feeling the way you do. You’re not alone. Your thoughts and feelings are normal responses to what you are feeling.
  3. Self-Kindness – Treating yourself the way you treat others… with kindness, support, encouragement, and responsibility. 

Think about how you can incorporate these core components of self-compassion in your own life. Perhaps you can start with one and add in the rest as you progress in this practice. See if this can help you connect to your unconditional self-worth and let me know how your experience goes!

Remember, you are worthy even when you make mistakes or don’t reach your goals. 

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Why Self-Worth is Essential for Healthy Boundaries

Why Self-Worth is Essential for Healthy Boundaries

There are many ways we can set boundaries in our lives.

We can create boundaries around our physical body, emotional experiences, possessions, time, you name it! 

My biggest struggles with boundaries have related to time. Before I connected to my unconditional self-worth, I didn’t protect my time. I gave it out left and right to anyone and everyone who asked for it, even strangers! Being a perfect, selfless friend was my strategy to prove my worthiness. This caused me to feel like I always had to be available to show up for everyone. The idea of setting boundaries around my time felt scary because I was afraid my friends wouldn’t want to be my friends anymore if I didn’t give my time to them, leaving me in an exhausting loop of always saying yes. Do you resonate?

Perhaps you struggle with emotional boundaries, always taking on other people’s feelings and taking responsibility for how other people feel. 

Maybe you struggle with physical boundaries, having trouble telling people the type of physical or sexual touch you are or are not comfortable with.

I encourage you to take a moment to think about where you struggle with boundaries. 

What types of boundaries have been difficult for you to establish and enforce?

What happens when you don’t set these boundaries?

How has that impacted your quality of life and your relationships?

Reasons why boundaries are important:

  • Boundaries keep us physically safe.
  • They keep us emotionally healthy and grounded.
  • They give us the freedom of choice.
  • When we don’t set boundaries, we end up being reactive to the world around us.
  • When we don’t set healthy boundaries, our physical, emotional, and mental energy ends up being spread out all over the place, reserving very little energy for ourselves, leaving us feeling overextended, exhausted, and resentful.

The connection between self-worth and boundaries

When we don’t feel worthy, it’s challenging to set boundaries because we don’t feel like we are worthy of saying no or protecting our time and energy or prioritizing our wants and needs. When we’re stuck in a place of low self-worth, we often feel like we should take what we can get. 

When we know we’re worthy unconditionally and that our worth doesn’t depend on what others think of us, it’s so much easier to set boundaries! We can then prioritize spending time with our friends when it works for us, saying no to talking or to attending gatherings when we need time for ourselves without fear of our friends being salty about it. When we know we’re unconditionally worthy, it’s easier to say no to a romantic or sexual interaction without fearing that rejection may mean we are unworthy or unlovable.

People won’t think you’re mean for taking time for yourself. They may get upset or not understand at first, heck, they may even throw a little tantrum, but that’s normal in the boundary-setting process. It’s important not to take this personally because taking time for oneself is a human necessity. Don’t give in and give yourself to them.

3 Strategies for setting healthy boundaries:

  • Identify and remember why you’re setting the boundary in the first place.
  • Remember that boundaries are healthy.
  • Enlist reliable support and accountability.

Remember, your self-worth does not come from you being the perfect, ever-available friend, family member, or lover. Boundaries are the foundation for healthy, loving relationships and enforcing them will help you improve your quality of life and your inner glow.

Resource: Register for my FREE “You are Worthy” Masterclass:

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The Key to Healthy Romantic Relationships: Believe You are Worthy

The Key to Healthy Romantic Relationships: Believe You are Worthy

In 2018, I was exploring on Bumble and came across a man who said he was interested in a woman who loves and cares about people…

I thought, how sweet for that to be his priority! So, I swiped right and sent him a message. He eventually asked if we could go on a date and at that point, I wanted to have a phone conversation before going on a date, as to not waste anyone’s time. A week later, we talked and it went well enough to where we went on a date shortly after. Jason remembered what kind of restaurants I liked so he made a reservation at one that neither of us have tried before. I thought that was really thoughtful. 

He was cute and the date was great! We talked about meaningful topics, I felt present and connected, and I wasn’t worried about whether Jason would like me or not. After the date, I didn’t hear from him for three days… not even a “hope you got home safely” text! Mind you, if this happened a few years prior, this silence would have left me incredibly anxious and worried about whether something went wrong.

Because I was grounded in unconditional self-worthiness, I was disappointed I didn’t hear from him, but I was able to accept that and let it go without internalizing it and criticizing myself. Though, that’s not where the story ends. Jason ended up calling me a few days later, and asked me on a second date! If I had been caught up about him not calling or texting me sooner, I may not have been as open to going on a second date, but I had done the work and was confident in our connection.

Reflecting on the early stages of our relationship, Jason showed up for me and our relationship progressed more and more over time. Our relationship was free of stress, desperation, and anxiety, which was what often characterized my prior relationships. Even though I was good at playing it cool, my past relationships were riddled with worry, uncertainty, and self-doubt. Who wants that?!

In past relationships, the question was, “Does he like me?” when it should have been, “Do I like him?”

With Jason, I was curious about whether I liked spending time with him and the answer was always yes! That’s what helped our relationships progress with ease, on top of him being thoughtful, consistent, and available. 

Today, our relationship continues to be easy and joyful. We have a great balance of interdependence because neither of us are struggling with low self-worth, neither of us are depending on the other person to fill an eternal void, we are our own complete humans, and we come together because we love each other. Despite any disagreements we may have, our relationship is stable. Cue the sigh of relief!

Knowing that I am unconditionally worthy helped me make two major shifts in my approach to relationships.

The first shift that happened was that I was attracted to Jason, who was stable and emotionally available. When you feel like you’re unlovable, you’re more likely to be attracted to people who are emotionally unavailable or who confirm the belief that you are unlovable. This can lead to a somewhat false sense of accomplishment as you try to earn the love and affirmation of the person you’re interested in. Jason clearly said he wanted to go on a date, planned the date, then followed through on the date. Stable and emotionally available. 

I had to adjust to this stability and availability because I wasn’t used to it. I was surprised that Jason is the way he is. I shifted away from trying to achieve, fix, or prove that I was worthy and began to relax and enjoy the process. Sometimes, we have to adjust to the thing that we’ve wanted for so long because we’re used to experiencing something totally different.

The second shift that happened was being free from relationship anxiety, which allowed me to be present and engaged with Jason without putting pressure on him and the relationship. This freed up so much time and energy to put toward figuring out if Jason was the one for me. I could finally let things progress naturally and enjoy him and the process. 

Have you ever tried to achieve love with a partner? 

Have you felt anxious and like your worth depends on someone loving you?

Do you question your partner’s actions or words?

Problems arise when one or both partners believe they are unworthy. Unconditional self-worth is the foundation of healthy relationships, with both yourself and with your partner. 

Having a loving relationship with yourself provides a foundation for healthy relationships, but you don’t need to be perfectly healed and understanding of your worthiness before exploring a loving relationship. 

Healthy relationships can help us to see ourselves in a more positive light and you shouldn’t outsource this work to your partner. Do the inner work to build a loving and accepting relationship with yourself because that is what’s going to allow you to show up fully in your romantic relationships.

When we know we are worthy of love, we open ourselves to receiving love and we walk away from those who aren’t loving to us. We don’t put pressure on our partner or our relationships to fill the void of low self-worth.

If you’re struggling with your self-worth, no matter your relationship status, I invite you to join me in a practice that will connect you with your self-worth. 

It’s a practice of self-appreciation. You don’t need to be different than you are to be lovable. Society bombards us with messages that tell us we need to change or be different in order to fit in or be lovable, but I invite you to let go of these thoughts. Instead, focus on the things you like and appreciate about yourself. When you can tune into this appreciation, your confidence increases, you feel assured, and you know you are worthy just as you are. 

Take a moment to think about and connect with at least one thing that you like about yourself. If you’re struggling, ask a trusted friend and see what they appreciate about you. Take in that answer without denial. 

When growth happens without acknowledging and appreciating who and where we are in life, we’re left feeling insecure. Remember, being in touch with what we appreciate about ourselves helps us to connect to our unconditional self-worth and allows us to show up authentically and confidently in our relationships, which is SO attractive!


Register for my FREE “You are Worthy” Masterclass:

Stream & Download The Unconditionally Worthy Podcast NOW for FREE on Apple Podcast, Google, Stitcher, Pandora, and Spotify!

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Visit my website: 

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