The Problem With Using Accomplishments to Prove Your Worth with Dr. Meag-gan O’Reilly
— EPISODE 40 —
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Sometimes it may seem like high-achieving folks have it easy.
They can do anything, achieve anything, and have it all. But in reality, high-achievers struggle in unique ways.
Today’s Unconditionally Worthy guest is Dr. Meag-gan O’Reilly, a licensed Psychologist, self-worth expert, DEI Consultant, and the co-founder of Inherent Value Psychology INC. Meag-gan’s areas of clinical expertise include high achiever stress, perfectionism, trauma, and social identities, particularly race, social class, and gender.
In this episode, Meag-gan and I talk about the problem with using accomplishments to prove your worth, what happens when you derive your sense of worth from academic achievements and job performance, and how self-worth holistically impacts our lives. Meag-gan also sheds light on how she supports people of color in navigating self-worth and shares three powerful practices you can use to embrace your unconditional worthiness.
So often, people fear that embracing their unconditional self-worth or believing that they’re inherently valuable means they’re going to be selfish and navel-gazing for the rest of their lives. Really, embracing our worthiness helps us show up in the world in a very powerful way and helps us do what we’re here to do.
Meag-gan believes that embracing our self-worth makes us more connected, intentional, and able to be compassionate with each other.
When you’re depressed and anxious, it feels like everything is happening to you, but when you connect with your self-worth, the world can open up to you and help you work through your struggles.
Embracing your unconditional self-worth is not rooted in self-indulgence or arrogance, it’s rooted in empowerment and self-love. There’s room for all of us to be worthy.
“The most important story that you’ll ever hear is the one you tell you about yourself,” Meag-gan says. “That’s kind of my gateway into understanding self-worth.” Meag-gan defines self-worth as “your appraisal of your value in the social marketplace where these things are being exchanged. It’s how you estimate your right to belong, your right to have good things happen to you, and your worthiness to receive affection. It’s kind of the global, and thus, most important opinion you have about yourself.” Isn’t that a great way to think about it?
It’s really hard to enjoy life if you’re not letting in the good, soaking in the glory of your inherent value, and celebrating each and every one of your accomplishments.
What happens when you derive your sense of worth from academic achievements and job performance?
By the time you’re locked into your academic path or your career, you’re steeped in the mindset of: high-achievement = high value. You get good at the conditional worth game, yet you don’t know that you’re deep in the game.
Then, you experience a mistake or a misstep, realizing how fragile this game is. If your identity and self-worth is held up by one pillar and that one pillar cracks, the whole thing can topple down.
If you enter into a new role or a new identity, imposter syndrome can creep in and test your feelings of worthiness. You may go through cycles of ceaselessly striving, accomplishing something, feeling temporarily satiated, and then not feeling good enough.
If you hit burnout, this is an opportunity to lift the veil from your eyes and start the process of becoming internally validating and seeing what your true value has been all along. Some of us don’t get this opportunity until something goes awry.
Where do race and racism come into play?
Black people asserting, affirming, and embracing our unconditional self-worth is radical because it counters the messages of society. It can be easy to internalize microaggressions, discrimination, and messages of worthlessness, but this is one of the most powerful tactics we have to rise up above that noise.
“The goal of oppression and trauma is to diminish the self, is to have us take ourselves out of the running because we don’t feel belonging or worthy.” Meag-gan says, “So, discrimination and microaggressions… both of these forces can really have us thinking that we’re wrong instead of the system… or we need to adapt and assimilate.”
The violence of assimilation can inflict so much internal harm on us. How do we cope with that?
Name it. Assimilation is not something you have to do. It’s something you’ve been doing out of survival. Now, you can give yourself compassion and realize that you’re not failing, the system is failing you. So, moving forward, what truly lights you up and makes you feel better? Lean into that. Make a conscious choice to acknowledge the fact that there’s nothing wrong with you, you don’t have to change who you are to fit in, to make others feel comfortable, or to be good enough to be in this space. Who’s opinion actually matters?
When you know you’re worthy, it’s not important that others like you or feel comfortable around you. When you affirm yourself and embrace your unconditional self-worth, no mistakes or failures or judgments can break down your value and your fulfillment in life.
Practices Meag-gan’s clients use to connect with their self-worth:
Silence. Stillness. Solitude. Slow down, filter out all the noise, find your own voice, and retreat into your beautiful self.
Get back in touch with the learner mindset. What’s something you’re not great at that you can start learning with love? Practice loving yourself through that learning and growing process.
Do something just because it brings you joy. Learn to cultivate joy as a gift to self.
About Dr. Meag-gan O’Reilly:
Dr. Meag-gan O’Reilly (she/her) is a licensed Psychologist, self-worth expert, DEI Consultant, and the co-founder of Inherent Value Psychology INC. She obtained her Post-Doctoral Fellowship from Stanford University where she served as a Staff Psychologist and Coordinator of Outreach equity and Inclusion for six years. Dr. Meag-gan created the first satellite clinic for Black undergraduate and graduate students that increased mental health access for Black students. Dr. Meag-gan is Adjunct Faculty in the Stanford School of Medicine, Dr. Meag-gan and has taught classes on wellness as well as trained clinicians on social justice practice.
Dr. Meag-gan is the creator and clinician of therapeutic Healing Circles for Black employees in partnership with companies such as Google, The San Francisco Ballet, Virgin Pulse, and the United Negro College Fund STEM Scholars Program. These spaces provide coping and resistance skills to assist employees in thriving, not just surviving.
In 2018, Dr. Meag-gan gave a TEDx talk 2018 to remind us that our lives matter to the. Her TEDx talk: Enough is Enough: The Power of Your Inherent Value, can be seen on Youtube. Dr. O'Reilly's research and writings focus on social justice. Her areas of clinical expertise include high achiever stress, perfectionism, trauma, and social identities, particularly race, social class, and gender.
To connect further with Dr. Meag-gan O’Reilly:
Follow her on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/drmeaggan
Connect with her on LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/dr-meag-gan-o-reilly-227971ab
Watch the full video interview on YouTube: https://youtu.be/e7NRrfEAESQ
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