My Journey to Love
— EPISODE 100 —
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[cheerful music starts]
Dr. Adia Gooden [00:00:21] Welcome to the Unconditionally Worthy Podcast. In this podcast, I will guide you on your journey to connect with the true source of your self-worth. Each week we'll discuss barriers to unconditional self-worth, the connection between self-worth and relationships, self-worth practices you can apply to your life. And how to use self-worth as a foundation for living courageously. I'm your host, Dr. Adia Gooden, a licensed clinical psychologist, dance enthusiast, and a dark chocolate lover who believes deeply that you are worthy unconditionally.
Adia Gooden (00:01.634)
Hello and welcome to the 100th episode of the Unconditionally Worthy Podcast and the last new episode for a while. It feels a little bit hard to say that. I think I feel a little sadder than I expected in recording this email. I've been procrastinating a little bit.
And I was kind of like, why am I, you know, resisting jumping in and recording this episode? I've outlined it. I've read over the outline. I've done the prep. And I think it's because I feel sad that this iteration of the podcast is coming to a close. I started the podcast. The first episode launched in...
February of 2021. And that was about a month before I left my full-time job and, you know, dove fully into my business. And when I started the podcast, I was just doing solo episodes. I was literally recording in the closet of our then guest bedroom turned office during the pandemic. And I was like, there was no video.
I was in the closet because I thought that was gonna give better sound audio. Maybe it did. But I was really excited about sharing my ideas about unconditional self-worth and helping you and supporting you on this journey. And it has been really wonderful to have you along for the ride. It's been so heartening and encouraging to.
read positive reviews, to get emails from you about how the podcast has touched you to be able to talk with so many amazing people and guests on this podcast about their own self-worth journey to see based on the stats that I get every week that the podcast is reaching people throughout the world.
Adia Gooden (02:23.754)
even know anyone who lives there. That has meant a lot because the thing about a podcast is unless you have a guest, you're just sort of talking and then you don't really know who's listening. And so it's been really wonderful to reach milestones like surpassing a hundred thousand downloads and just reaching people throughout the world.
It is something that I love doing. And so it is hard for this particular chapter of the podcast to come to close. My hope is that there will be another chapter of the podcast at some point in the future and that I can do it in a way that's sustainable energetically and financially, like I said a couple of episodes ago, but it does feel sad that this part is coming to an end.
is coming to a close and I am realizing as I'm processing this that I am not the best at holding space for myself because I think I'm really good at holding space for other people but holding space for myself to celebrate, to honor, to sit with what I have done and
you know, something coming to a close. Like I, as I mentioned in the last episode, episode 99, I tend to do things quickly and I don't like waiting. Right. And so some of that means that I am not always the best at giving room and space for celebration, for honoring what I've done. And even as I'm talking, I'm realizing that I'm, I haven't had plans to
celebrate the 100th episode of the podcast or, you know, I haven't really celebrated besides like a story post the fact that the podcast reached more than 100,000 downloads. And so I actually, I'm just going to make an ask of you. I would love for you to help me celebrate this milestone, right? It's bittersweet. There's certainly some grief and some sadness. And there's also a lot of
Adia Gooden (04:44.554)
joy and gratitude around what we were able to do with this podcast, who we were able to reach with this podcast. And you know, 100 episodes is a big milestone and I feel really proud of it. And that's part of the reason why even when I had to part ways with my amazing podcast manager and her team, that I was like determined to get to the 100th episode, right? It just felt like...
If I could get to 100, that would feel really good and complete, and I'm really proud of myself. I'm so proud of all of the ways I've grown. I'm so grateful for the team that I've had supporting me along the way, and I'm also proud of myself for sticking it out and making it through to 100 episodes. And so I'd love for you to celebrate with me. And I think the way that you could do that is first,
leave a rating or review on Apple Podcasts if you listen on that platform or send me an email. I'd love to hear from you. You can send me an email at info at dradea goodin.com. And I check that email personally, but I'd love to get your emails and
and your messages about you could DM me on Instagram at Dr. Diagooding. You could LinkedIn message me. But I'd love to hear what the podcast has meant to you. It would feel really special to me. And I think one of the things that, you know, maybe the podcast is lacking, maybe it's just the setup or maybe the way I've done this is there isn't such a feeling of community and connection. And I'd love
to have that in the ending. I'd love to hear from you. So if you feel so inclined to leave a rating or review, I can read those are to send me an email or send me a DM about what this podcast has meant to you, how it has touched you, how it has blessed you, how it has supported you on your journey to unconditional self-worth.
Adia Gooden (07:05.122)
I would sincerely, sincerely appreciate that. And it would help me to honor this milestone and honor, coming to the end of this chapter of the podcast. So that is my ask of you. And yeah, I am not gonna talk all about ending the podcast in this last episode. I'm actually.
going to share, I'm going to talk about my journey to finding love and how that has been incredibly intertwined in my journey to unconditional self-worth. It's something that I actually talked more about in the beginning of the podcast, right? I had more conversations about my solo episodes, about the struggles I had with love, and it's something I haven't talked about
It is, it is, it's a big part of my experience and it also, um, relates to some of the new upcoming things that I'm going to be doing and telling you a little bit about at the end of this episode. So I will go ahead and dive in there. So my belief that I was unlovable, it was a deep belief and it started when I was a kid.
I'm not exactly sure what caused it, but it may have been some combination of the dynamic with my parents. You know, my mom had postpartum depression for two years after I was born, and we haven't talked deeply about it, but I can't help but think that impacted how she interacted with me and how she engaged with me and the energy and the attention that she had to give to me.
So it may have been some of that and just the general dynamics with my parents, which I've talked about in other episodes. It may have been some of the dynamics related to my school, which I loved my school growing up, but like around middle school, junior high, things felt like they started to shift, right? Basically around the time when people started having crushes on each other and liking each other, it became clear to me that no one had a crush on me.
Adia Gooden (09:32.086)
Right? That I wasn't one of the girls who people thought was cute. And I wasn't somebody who people had a crush on. And it was also around that time that my best friend started sort of distancing herself from me and getting closer to the cool girls. Right? Like the girls who were more popular. It was also around the same time when
you know, and I went to a very small school, so there'd be like 23 people in the class, like seventh and eighth grade, 23 people or something. And somebody had a party. And I was like, one of the only people not invited, right? Like it was very obvious. So I was getting a lot of messages. I got, you know, I've talked about this before too. I was in a choir around that age, and I was the only person not invited back because I was too loud. My voice was too bold. So I was
experiencing a lot of messages that who I was not embraced, that I was too much, too loud, that I wasn't attractive enough, that I wasn't cute. Like I just had this feeling that I was unworthy and unlovable. The unlovable part was really tied into that. And because I was the only Black girl in my class at that period of time,
it was really hard not to feel like my blackness had something to do with it, right? Like that my blackness, like it was really hard to feel, hard not to feel like the reason no one likes me and has a crush on me is because I'm black, right? Like that just, I don't have long, long hair or curly hair or light skin. I don't, that's not how I present, that's not my body. And so it was sort of this quiet,
burden and pain that I carried with me. And, you know, I went to an all girls Catholic high school, which was helpful in the fact that it sort of meant that during the day at school, I wasn't worried because I'm straight. I wasn't worried about who liked me or didn't. Right? Like there were some conversations and I felt some kind of way when I was literally never
Adia Gooden (11:55.694)
dance prom, blah, blah. Like I was never anybody's date for their prom or their dance or anything like that. I always had to invite my dates to my dances and prom or whatever. But because there weren't any guys around and that wasn't sort of part of the dynamic, I got a little bit of a respite. But I do remember that I was always surprised when someone was interested in me.
Like I did not expect anyone to think I was cute or be interested in me. Like I think my experience in seventh and eighth grade was like, okay, people don't like me. People don't find me attractive. Like that's not the type of attention I'm gonna get. I shut down my desire for it because I was protecting myself against rejection, right? I think we do that a lot. And so when someone was interested, I was surprised. And...
What started was basically a pattern of me being interested in guys and giving them my time and attention because they liked me, not necessarily because I liked them. Right? Like the barometer of like, am I interested in someone and do I want to spend time with them was like, do they like me? If they like me, then yes.
And if they don't like me, then maybe I'll have a silent crush and wish that they liked me and blah, and think about how I might be able to get them to like me. Or maybe I'll just give up the hope. And usually my strategy was like, I'll just be friends with them. Right. But basically I ended up dating. Well, let's put dating in air quotes more like talking to, right? Like when I was growing up, at least we used to call it talking to it. Like, are you talking to them? And it was like,
Are you talking on the phone? Do you, like we didn't text back. I don't think we had texting back then, not yet. Like unless you had a two way, but like, it was just like, are you talking to them? That was what it was. But so I can't really say I dated a lot of people in high school, but like, was I talking to them? It was really like, are you attracted to them? Maybe not. Are they on the same life path with you? Probably not. Do you really enjoy spending time with them? It's okay.
Adia Gooden (14:09.698)
Do they like you? Yes, okay, so that's the yes, right? And so I was really in the mode of waiting to be chosen. I was not choosing. I was not making selective choices about who I wanted to date. So if someone chose me and thought I was cute and wanted to spend time with me, I was a yes.
And there were very few people that I said no to. Now, I was not like there were not multiple, many, many guys beating down my doors to like hang out with me. Like, that's not what the dynamic was. But I know looking back, I'm like, I don't think I even really liked that person. I actually remember just after college and I was like, again, talking to someone who was like a great guy, like he's a great person.
And he was like, cute, and he was an athlete. And we like started talking at the end of college and like kind of continued in the summer. And I was, remember I was like spending time with my, with one of my friends in New York. Actually, it was Issa Rae, because I used to visit her in New York in the summers. And we were like talking about it. And she was like, it doesn't sound like you really like him. And I was like, oh, huh, that's interesting.
Adia Gooden (15:31.214)
I think that was just like a pattern, right? Like I had another relationship in college where college was like a little bit of a respite because I was very immersed in Stanford's black community. And even though I would still be sort of surprised if someone likes me, there was like a people like it was clear that black women were loved, appreciated, found attractive. And so that was like a little bit of a respite from my like waiting to be chosen. Now,
I still was sort of like in relationships where I was like, didn't fully like, I wasn't all in. Like I remember I had one boyfriend and you know, we spent the summer, we were at Stanford together in the summer and a big kind of like conflict was like, he was like, I want to spend time with you. And I was like, I don't want to spend time with my friends. I don't know. Like this is not a priority for me. And that was a source of conflict. So anyway, I got a little break in college. I developed a little bit of confidence.
But when I moved to Chicago after college for graduate school, the little confidence that I had developed became, like, took a big hit, right? And I think the combination of feeling like, OK, well, I'm done with college now. I've got to find my partner and, like, get ready to get married. Like, that was a big thing. Because still underlying all of these things that were going on the surface, for me, there was a deep sense still of.
feeling unlovable, right? Like I'm still feeling like I needed to prove my worth. And so on the one level, I was trying to do that through academic achievements, like go to grad school right after college. And you all have heard the story of me being like, okay, then graduate with your PhD in five years and making myself so anxious and stressed trying to do that. But there's this other line that I haven't talked as much about, which was find the partner who is going to love you. Find the partner who is going to prove that you're lovable. Because...
Even though I had friends in college, even though I dated in college, I still had that deep sense that I was unworthy and unlovable. And that was just exacerbated in my move to Chicago. So part of it was loneliness, like moving to a new city after college. And none of my close friends were here. So there were people I knew, but I had to build those friendships. I had to find community and create community.
Adia Gooden (17:54.066)
It was hard and it made me even more desperate to find love and prove that I was worthy. I like every time I would go out to a club, to a bar, whatever with my friends, it felt like this pressure to find someone, which clearly was not going to be a great recipe for finding someone. But that it didn't help the that I also felt very overlooked in.
the dating scene. So like, even though Chicago is a city with a very large black population, I would go out with my friends and often I would get very little, if any, attention. And this sort of challenge was highlighted and exacerbated for me when I go out with two, I had a number of friends, but two of my friends, two of my closer friends are biracial. So they're black and biracial.
and they have light skin and they have curly hair. And what I would notice is when I went out with them, I didn't always go out with either of them, but when I would go out with them, I would notice that they would always get a ton of attention and I would get almost none. It was almost like I wasn't there, right? Like I would literally sort of get ready at home, feel like, okay, I look pretty cute. Like.
I like this dress, I like my hair, whatever, I'm ready. And I would go out and I would feel invisible. I would feel like my brown skin, my natural hair was invisible. Like it was unseen. And it was so painful. I felt so much pain at feeling like even, because when I was in middle school, it was like, okay, well, you know.
there was like one other black classmate. I had one male black classmate. So it was kind of like, okay, they don't like me because I'm a black, I'm black, but they're not black. So that's okay, right? Like I sort of like made that okay. But then when I was in grad school in Chicago, it was like, but these guys are black and they still are not interested. Like it felt like they could care less if I was present. So needless to say, this was really frustrating and painful and...
Adia Gooden (20:16.834)
discouraging. And let's just add to this that I think it was like my first year of graduate school, one of my classmates was another black woman. She was partnered with a black man. And I think it was the first year and he was like, yeah, you know, the research shows that black women who are highly educated are less likely to find partners and get married. And it's like even worse if you get your PhD.
I was like, oh, thank you. Thank you for that information. I really appreciate it, right? Like, it was just like that then put another pressure of like, there's not gonna be that many people who actually find me attractive, who also think it's okay that I have a phd. Like it just was so much stress, right? And so I was carrying this fear of being unlovable. I was carrying this.
this belief that I was unworthy. I was desperate to find a partner to prove that I was worthy and lovable. I was feeling like I just had to kind of take what I could get and like lend anyone who chose to think I was cute or like me. Like that was it. Like that, that was a yes. Right. And I'm not, I mean, I'm not saying that like when I was on dating apps, cause I started dating apps pretty early on that like literally I swiped right on every single person. Like it wasn't that extreme, but
I wasn't super tuned into like, does this feel good for me? Do I really actually like this person? It's like, okay, they have the resume, they have their life together. Like it was sort of like those outlines, but does the inside of the connection really work? That wasn't what I was truly assessing and thinking about. So this is going on and I moved to Chicago in August 2007 and then,
The summer of 2009, I fell what I thought was head over heels in love, but in reality was probably more like infatuation with a guy that I met at a lounge one night when I was out with my friends in Chicago. And I've told this heart wrenching story before, so if you want to go back and hear more of that, it's the Self-Forgiveness episode. I think it's episode.
Adia Gooden (22:34.262)
like three or four somewhere in there. But long story short, after a fun summer, he lived in DC. So he's from Chicago, lived in DC, was back for a visit, out with his friends. I was out with my friends. We had this like electric night, blah, blah. And so then we started talking, and I was already planning to visit DC for the summer because I was gonna visit with my grandma, my friends, had that lived there, blah, blah. So...
I was like visiting him and we talked all the time and blah, blah. It was great. And then we have this last visit. I went Labor Day weekend 2009 and things felt off. Like you know one of those things where you like something's off. I don't know what it is, but something's off. So things felt off. And basically.
By the time I got back home from the trip, like he just wasn't really talking to me. And then I was like not feeling well, I was not feeling good. And I went to the doctor and got STD tested and the doctor told me that I had herpes.
Adia Gooden (23:52.634)
And basically he, I didn't really hear from him again. Like I called him, I told him, but that was like it. So the end, the relationship ended, I felt heartbroken. I learned that I had herpes, which immediately felt like a permanent mark against me immediately felt like that's it. That's how I felt like that's it. Like your hopes for love.
your hopes for partnership, your hopes for children, they're done. Like it felt like I would never find someone who would love me. Like that was it. I had made a mistake.
I had gotten an STD from a boyfriend and that was it. That was it for love in my life. And so I fell into a pretty deep depression for the next few months because I thought that
it was proof of the fear that I had carried for so long, which I was, which was that I was unworthy and unlovable. I thought that was it. Like now it was true and there was literally nothing I could do about it. And so I was really in this space of shame and I was hiding also because there are so many jokes about.
Herpes and STDs and so many ways that the people who have STDs are made to feel dirty, are made to feel stupid, are made to feel irresponsible. And so what it meant was I didn't tell anybody. Like I didn't even tell my best friends. I think I told my parents eventually. I told my mom. I don't think I ever actually told my dad, but I'm sure she told him.
Adia Gooden (25:58.166)
But I was heartbroken. I think I told my therapist, thank God for that space. I was heartbroken. I was just feeling like it was over for me in terms of finding love.
And I wonder if you've ever had an experience like that. I wonder if you've ever gone through something. Maybe you've experienced trauma or an abuse or abuse. Maybe you have an STD or had an STD. Whether you've done something that made you believe.
that you were unlovable and that no one could know that about you and still love you. I wonder if that resonates at all.
So...
Eventually, thankfully through therapy, I came out of the depression and even sort of started to date again, but with, you know, real trepidation because now every time I dated someone and we were getting close to being intimate, I had to tell them. I had to tell them that I had herpes. And so that was...
Adia Gooden (27:33.106)
really hard. I am grateful for the partners that I had who when I told them did not run away in disgust and were like, okay, I've dated other people who had herpes, that's fine. How do we stay safe? Like those experiences were so helpful to me. So I'm really grateful to those people, to those guys. But I would say that this diagnosis
sent me even further into a space of waiting to be chosen and feeling like I had to take what I could get and feeling like I could not trust that anybody actually liked me or was actually interested in me until I told them about the diagnosis and worrying that, you know, I couldn't get too, you know, attached or into it or excited because who knows, right? Like who knows if somebody would like be like, yeah, I can't do this with you.
because of that and that would be their right. So it just, you know, like made the dating thing and the finding love thing even harder. Like we just added another challenging layer. And you know, I really went through a period of seeking out and being attracted to people who were unavailable.
emotionally or physically. Like I had a whole handful of long distance relationships, which now I used to be like, why do I keep getting in relationships with people who don't live here? And now I'm like, okay, Adia, you were pursuing people who were physically unavailable, right? Like some of these people were physically and emotionally unavailable, but it was like there had to be some distance. Like I couldn't allow myself to be with someone who is in the city of Chicago, which has plenty, plenty of people.
and enjoy that, right? So that was a whole pattern. It was a whole pattern. And part of what came, started to come through is that I struggled with anxious attachment, right? And so there's a whole sort of psychology of attachment styles, and really it's based on how babies attach to their primary caregivers, but there's a lot of research and writing about how that relates to how we as adults attach to our partners. And an anxious attachment style,
Adia Gooden (29:56.074)
Oh my gosh, don't leave me. Don't leave me. Don't leave me. But then also maybe I'm doing stuff to push you away. And so don't leave me, but I'm pushing you away and like not trusting the good. And there was all this anxiety. So I had a lot of anxiety triggered, relationship triggered anxiety. And so I really, again, wasn't tuned into like, what will I enjoy in a relationship? When does a relationship feel good to me? Right. And so then there was this pattern of like either being attracted to people who were
emotionally or physically unavailable, settling for what I could get, not really thinking about what do I want in this relationship? What feels good? What do I want this to look like and feel like? And then there was a lot of dynamics because I was going for people who were unavailable of like, maybe if I do this, they'll like me. Maybe if I do that, they'll like me. Will they like me if I do this? Like trying to prove and earn their love. And it wasn't great.
And guess what? None of it made me feel loved, right? Like even if I was in a relationship, I never felt worthy and loved. And some of that was because of the people I was choosing, and some of that was because even if the people that I was choosing said they loved me, they either acted inconsistently or I didn't trust it. And so I was questioning it. And all of this came to a head during my last relationship, significant relationship before.
Jason, my husband. So starting in September 2013, I started like there was a friendship with somebody. I had a friend, we were in an organization together and we like, you know, got attracted to each other and then slowly because of him, moved into a relationship. And the truth is that he was never fully emotionally available. He was in town, so that helped.
He was a good guy. I enjoyed our time together in general, but there was always a sense of like distance, right? Like emotional distance. Like we were never gonna get in really deep emotionally. Intellectually, sure. Emotionally, not so much. About a year into our relationship, I told him I loved him. This is another story I've told in other podcast episodes so you can go to that if you want the full version. I told him I loved him and he said, thank you.
Adia Gooden (32:19.698)
or something like that, but definitely did not say, I love you too. And then eventually shared that he wasn't in love with me. And so he thought he could fall in love with me, is what he said. So I decided, you know what? I'm gonna give him time. And I felt like that was a space of maturity and growth. And in some ways, maybe it was, because I think in the past, I would have been like, I'm done, I'm, you know, like any.
sort of clear sense of like this person doesn't like me enough or like is rejecting me like I'm out, like was kind of how I operated. So I was like, you know what, I'm going to give him time. I can sort of tolerate this space of I love him. He doesn't love me. I think there can be some truth to that. But as we got closer to, you know, and he said, I'll go to therapy, like all that stuff, right. And he went to therapy. But we were nearing our second anniversary.
So as we like got there, something started to happen. And this was a really good thing, which is that I started to feel annoyed and irritated by the situation. Like even a little indignant, like you don't love me? Like what? And what happened was the part of me that was like, no, this is ridiculous. Like.
he doesn't love you, like this is ridiculous, right? Like that part of me that was a little angry and irritated and annoyed started to come through. And I say it was a good thing because we need that part of us, like whether that's a job, whether that's a partner, whether that's a, you know, bad situation, like we need the partner in the part of us that says, uh-uh, I'm not this, we are not tolerating anymore. And so what became clear was that
The problem was not that I was unlovable. I had feared that for so many years, but in this relationship with someone who did not love me, did not fall in love with me, I became clear for myself that I was lovable. That was not the problem. The problem was that the person I was with had limitations in here in his capacity to love me. That.
Adia Gooden (34:38.678)
was a revelation. The fact that I came to a place where I affirmed for myself that I am lovable and I am worthy was so powerful and it was a game changer for me. It was a game changer. And what was clear to me was that everyone wasn't gonna love me, no.
I am lovable and I am worthy of love. And so that shift meant I was done with the relationship. Time was up. Like I remember having a conversation with my colleague, my co-author for the book, Promoting Black Women's Mental Health. I remember like having dinner outside and being like, yeah, I'm done with this. Like I'm done, time's up, I'm done, that's it.
And I think in some ways it was times up on that specific relationship. And in some ways it was like, I'm done with this BS and I'm not lovable. Like I'm done with that. I'm letting that go because it's not true. It is not true. Has everyone in my life loved me the way I deeply longed for? No. Is that still sort of painful and disappointing? Yes. But I am lovable.
And I can love me and I can choose me. And that was what I did. I ended the relationship. I didn't blow the relationship up. I ended it. Right. I said, okay, I've given you enough time. You're not there yet. That's okay. I'm done. And I moved on. That was choosing me. That was saying I am lovable. I am worthy of love. I moved on.
And within six months of fully owning and believing deeply that I am lovable and connected and relatedly believing that I am worthy, within six months of that big shift and granted there was work to get there, but within six months of that shift, I met Jason, my husband, I don't think that was a coincidence.
Adia Gooden (37:02.746)
Once I owned that I was worthy and lovable, I started to move differently. I approached dating differently. I was no longer just waiting to be chosen. I was screening people. I literally required a phone call before agreeing to go on a date because I, I was not in it for, I wanted partnership. I wanted to get married, right? And I was not in it for a free meal. So I'm like, I don't want to waste your time. I don't want to waste my time.
let's have a phone call because I think we've all been on dates where you go on the date and you're immediately like, this ain't it. And I'm like, you know what, let me save myself a drive and some parking and needing to get dressed up and all done up. Let's have a phone call. Right. So I started to screen and to pay attention not only to like, what's this person doing in their life, whatever, but also how do I feel with them? How do I feel in their presence?
And because I was loving myself and because I was no longer in a desperate search to have someone else prove that I was worthy and lovable, I didn't get overly attached to anyone I was dating before it was appropriate. Like, I was just kind of curious, like, oh, this is interesting. Okay, what's this going to be like? Okay, let's see. And in fact, there were two guys that I dated briefly before Jason. And
both of them in sort of different ways, but both of them expressed concern that I wasn't as into them as they were used to, women being into them or as they were into me. And I was kind of like, huh, I guess that's true, right? They had impressive resumes, they made a lot of money, they were attractive, but.
something wasn't clicking, right? Like it was cool to be with them, but I wasn't like loving it, right? I wasn't feeling alive and like connected deeply the way that I wanted to. And so I wasn't all in and they felt it and they weren't happy about it. And I am so proud of myself for making that shift. And so then I met Jason. Um, I was on Bumble.
Adia Gooden (39:25.262)
And we both swiped right. And on Bumble, at least it used to be in heterosexual pairings, the woman has to reach out first. So I messaged him, he messaged right back. We had a phone call. He asked me about like, well, what kind of restaurants do you like to try? What kind of food do you like to eat? I told him American new. And so he chose this like swanky American new restaurant for our first date. If you're in Chicago, it's called Sky.
or SKY, it's in Pilsen, it's great, check it out. And it was perfect. Like we had great conversation. It was great. And then on our second date, he picked me up and we went to an after hours event at the Museum of Science and Industry because on our first date, I had mentioned that I hadn't been to the Museum of Science and Industry as an adult and he was saying that it's his favorite museum. So we went on like.
a date there. I do remember talking about two things on that date. One was like where we wanted to travel and we both said we'd love to travel to South Africa, which was actually ended up being our first trip together, which was like less than a year later. And we both said we wanted to go to Greece, which is where we went on our honeymoon. And then on our third date, he picked me up again, we went to downtown Chicago and did a cooking class.
Um, and both like the MSI, the museum of science and industry, we got dinner after the cooking class, we got dessert after it was just like great. Um, and he took me to a cooking class cause he learned on the first dates that I love to cook. So they were just so thoughtful and intentional and he called me between dates and like, it was just easy. There was chemistry, there was alignment in our goals. Like we both wanted marriage. We both like.
had careers, we wanted to help people in our careers. Like it was just easy and aligned. And on our first date, I mentioned to Jason that I was preparing to give a TEDx talk. You know, the one where I share my journey to unconditional self-worth. So that was gonna be, that was in April. And so our first date was early March, early mid-March. And without prompting, Jason searched for and found,
Adia Gooden (41:46.306)
tickets to the sold out Tedx, Tedx DePaul event. And he let me know like a week or so beforehand that he was able to go, he was gonna take off work. And mind you, Jason's a high school teacher. He never takes time off work. So he was gonna take off of work. And he took me to the event in the morning, went home, got ready.
came back to the event in the afternoon, stayed through three hours of the talks, including my 12 minute talk, right? So that was a big commitment. And then he brought me flowers and took me to dinner afterwards. And it is, then this was a month after we started dating. And...
Adia Gooden (42:31.218)
It is not lost on me. Like I think it is just so beautiful and powerful that on the day that I stood boldly and in my power, proclaiming my worthiness to the world that Jason was there cheering me on because when I, when I applied to TEDx De Paul and started preparing, I didn't know about Jason, right? But he was there.
so happy for me to be in my full power. And I had dated people in the past who seemed a bit threatened by me in my power. But Jason loved it and celebrated it and supported me in it. And is such a beautiful representation of our relationship.
And I have no doubt that if I had not worked on my self-worth, if I had not removed my blocks to love, if I had not owned fully that I was lovable, I would not have been ready to meet and be attracted to because, mind you, I used to be attracted to guys who were emotionally unavailable. I would not have been ready to meet and be attracted to Jason when he came along. I am so grateful.
that I did that work. It was essential because I used to spend, I spent so much time talking about, complaining about, venting about, why there weren't good guys, why the dating pool, blah, things outside of my control. And it's really easy to stay there. It's really easy to stay in the problem is out there. The problem is with the guys available, the problem is...
blah, blah. And there are realities to that. I'm not ignoring the fact that, I mean, I mentioned this as a highly educated brown skin, natural hair, black woman, you know, it's challenging. And I was 34, I wanna say, when Jason and I met.
Adia Gooden (44:45.458)
I do think there's this big piece of doing our inner work, right? That we could be the victim and then we are not going to get a different result. Or we could say, yeah, there's pieces of this dating a relationship experience that are outside of my control, but I'm going to do the work to make sure that I am in a space mentally, emotionally, spiritually to be ready and available for my partner when I meet him. Right?
That is work we can do or when I meet her or when I meet them.
Adia Gooden (45:20.914)
I am so grateful that I did that work because I mean, basically now we're living in the happily ever after, right? We got married in July 2021. Our wedding was a dream. We went on an incredible honeymoon. We have a 19 month old daughter who's amazing and so fun. We're building a life together that we love. And I have a partner who supports me.
in my entrepreneurial endeavors, emotionally, financially. I support him in all those ways as well. And life is much better for me with healthy partnership.
So I know that was a long story. I hope that it resonated and I hope that it also helps you to feel encouraged and inspired if you're on your own journey to finding love. I want you to know that it's possible and I want you to know that you can be empowered in the experience.
by doing the work, the internal work that you need to do to be ready and actually also attracted to the people who are also available. And in terms of what's next for me and what I'm offering is help to have, help you, is helping you to do exactly that. Is to make the shifts to claim your worth and...
find love. And so I want to tell you a little bit about a new group coaching program that I am going to be releasing that we're going to be starting in January. And so this group coaching program is focused specifically on helping high achieving professional black women claim their worth and find love. I'm really excited.
Adia Gooden (47:30.594)
to use the wisdom from my own experience, struggling with and eventually finding love, and my professional experience of coaching women to claim their worth, working with hundreds of clients, my experience as a post-doctoral level trained couples therapist, my research and writing on black women's mental health and black women in relationships. I've actually, you know.
written two academic chapters on black women in relationships. So I'm really excited to combine my personal wisdom, my professional knowledge and experience to help black women find the love that they want. So many black women that I know who are in my circle have achieved incredible things in their professional lives.
and they still struggle with love and relationships. And so if that sounds like you, I'm here to help. So the group is gonna be called Black Women Claiming Their Worth and Finding Love, and it's gonna start in mid-January. There are 10 spots available. And so this program is for you. If you wanna find a partner who loves you fully as you are in your strength and power, who makes it safe for you to show your vulnerabilities,
But you've been challenged to fully accept and love yourself that way, unconditionally. You want a partner who cares for you and protects you, and yet you struggle to care for and protect yourself with healthy boundaries. You want to build a life with someone who's on your level, yet you keep settling for people who have impressive resumes but don't prioritize you or the relationship. You know it's possible to find love.
You have other black women in your life who have done it, but you find it hard to feel hopeful with the discouraging statistics about black love and frustrating dating experiences. So this program will help you heal from past relationship trauma and release emotional baggage, will help you get clear on what you want in a partner and feel worthy of receiving it, will help you identify...
Adia Gooden (49:44.478)
and clear your internal roadblocks to relationships and eliminate patterns of self-sabotage. Through this program, you will feel confident in dating and having fun while doing it, and you'll have the tools to build a healthy, long-lasting relationship. So if this sounds like you, if you are ready to make the shifts you need to make so that you can find lasting, healthy love in 2024,
I want to hear from you. This is the program for you. So if it sounds like you, email me at info@dradiagooden.com or feel free to DM me on IG at @dradiagooden or message me on LinkedIn. All you have to say is I'm ready and I will send you a link, we'll set up a call and have a conversation, right? And the conversation is just going to be where you're at in your journey to love and claiming your worth and whether this program could be the right fit for you.
I'm really, really excited. We're going to do a bonus Q&A call with my husband Jason. You can ask him all your questions. I think it's going to be really exciting and transformational. And it's going to help you feel confident in yourself, feel confident in dating, have fun while doing it. So yeah, if this sounds like you, if you want to be the first to secure a spot,
message me and email me. Okay, that's all I have for today. I do not know what the future holds for this podcast, but I am so, so grateful for you listening, for you being with me, for you sharing the podcast, for your reviews. I am so grateful.
to you and for you. Again, I would love to hear from you if there's something that you'd like to share about how the podcast has touched you and supported your life. And you can find me on IG, you can find me via email. If you are not yet on my email list, now's the time to do that so you can stay connected and actually related to kind of the relationship focus.
Adia Gooden (52:02.746)
I have created a new, a free guide on preparing for the relationship you want. So if you're like, I, you know, I want to prepare for the relationship I want. You can go to dradiagooden.com/ relationship and sign up for that free guide. That'll get you on my email list. So you'll stay in touch with me and you'll hear about the things that I'm doing and where I'm speaking and free events and, and just hear from me. Right. Like I, I send.
emails that are encouraging and uplifting and supportive to your self-worth journey. So if you're not on my email list yet, be sure to do that. I'll link all of this in the show notes. I'll link my email on the show notes. I'll link where you can get that free guide on preparing for the relationship you want. And I really hope to hear from you. Thank you so much for rocking with me and listening to me. And I wish you so well. I hope the last couple of weeks of 2024.
go well, are filled with joy and rest and connection. And I hope that the beginning of, sorry, last few weeks of 2023, and I hope the beginning of 2024 starts with joy and love and a deep knowledge that you are worthy. Bye.[cheerful music starts]
Dr. Adia Gooden [00:46:48] Thanks for joining me this week on the Unconditionally Worthy Podcast. Make sure to visit my website, dradiagooden.com and subscribe to the show on iTunes so you'll never miss an episode. You can also follow me on social media at Dr. Adia Gooden. If you loved the show, please leave a review on iTunes so we can continue to bring you amazing episodes. Lastly, if you found this episode helpful and know someone who might benefit from hearing it, please share it. Thanks for listening and see you next episode.
[cheerful music ends]
This episode was produced by Crys & Tiana and the music is by Wataboi.
Cali by Wataboi https://soundcloud.com/wataboi
Creative Commons — Attribution 3.0 Unported — CC BY-SA 3.0
Music promoted by FDL Music https://youtu.be/ZdQI7WQWi_g
I deeply believed that I was unlovable for years and the biggest challenge I had on my journey to embracing my unconditional self-worth was believing that I’m lovable and letting go of the belief that I needed a partner to prove that I was worthy.
I wonder if you’ve ever struggled with the same thing?
I want you to know that you’re not alone in what can be a sometimes painful journey and that there are things you can do to turn your journey to finding love beautiful and empowered just like mine was in the end.
Tune in to hear the nitty gritty of my struggles in love and how I triumphantly created my happily ever after.
How My Journey Started
My belief that I was unlovable started when I was a kid. I’m not exactly sure what caused it but some combination of the dynamic with my parents and the dynamics with kids at school made me feel like who I was and how I was made me unlovable.
Around age 12 when people started liking each other, it became clear to me that no one had a crush on me or thought I was cute like they did my friends. As the only Black girl in my small class it was hard not to feel like my Blackness had something to do with not being wanted in that way.
My feelings of unworthiness caused me to start a pattern of me being interested in guys and giving them my time and attention because they liked me, not necessarily because I liked them. When I look back over my dating in high school and college, I can see that I spent a lot of time with guys who I didn’t really like, was only borderline attracted to, and didn’t fully enjoy spending time with.
I was in the mode of waiting to be chosen, not choosing, so if someone chose me, thought I was cute, wanted to spend time with me, I agreed. There were very few people I said no to.
Hitting Rock Bottom
I hit rock bottom in my journey to love when I contracted herpes: I was crushed and fell into a depression for the next few months.
I felt irredeemable, that this STD was proof that I was unlovable and would never find someone to love me. I thought I had to give up my hope for love and partnership because no one would ever love me now.
Do you have anything like that? Have you ever gone through something or done something that made you believe you were unlovable?
My pattern of searching for love and not finding it came to a head during a two year relationship I had that started in September of 2013.
After about a year into the relationship I told him I loved him. He said thank you and eventually shared that he was not in love with me. I decided to give him time to work through the things that were keeping him from falling in love with me. He went to therapy.
As we got close to our 2nd anniversary I began to feel annoyed by the situation. I started to get clear about the fact that the problem was not that I was unlovable, as I had feared for so many years, the problem was that the person I was in a relationship with had limitations in his capacity to love me.
This was a revelation: I affirmed for myself that I am lovable.
Will everyone love me? No. But am I loveable as I am and worthy as I am? Yes!
This shift meant that I was done with the relationship. I was done waiting for him to figure out how to love me. I fully accepted that he wasn’t going to be able to do that because of his issues, not mine, and so I moved on.
My Happily Ever After
Within 6 months of standing in my worth and believing fully that I was lovable, I met Jason, my husband. Coincidence? I don’t think so.
Once I owned that I was worthy and lovable I started to move differently. I approached dating differently. When I met Jason, everything was easy and the first three dates he took me on were the most thoughtful dates I had ever experienced (be sure to listen to the episode for deets!)
On our first date, I mentioned to Jason that I had been preparing to give a TEDx talk (you know the one where I share my journey to unconditional self-worth). Without prompting, Jason searched for and found tickets to this sold out event and a week or so before the day of the talk he told me he would be taking time off of work (something he never did as a high school student) to attend. This was only a month after we started dating.
On the day of the talk Jason picked me up and took me to the venue, went home, got ready, came back and happily attended the 3 hours of talks, and cheered me on when I gave mine. It’s not lost on me the significance of the fact that on the day when I proclaimed to the world that I was unconditionally worthy, Jason was there cheering me on, fully happy for me standing in my power.
I have no doubt that if I hadn’t worked on my self-worth and the blocks I had to love I would not have been ready to meet and be attracted to Jason when he came along. I’m so grateful I did the work because now we are married, with a 19 month old daughter, and we are building a beautiful life together.
I want to help you on your journey to love
I hope reading about my journey to finding love has you feeling encouraged and inspired. If you’re ready, I want to help you make the necessary internal shifts to claim your worth and find love.
That’s exactly what I am going to do with my new group coaching program Black Women Claiming their Worth and Finding Love, which is focused specifically on helping high achieving, professional Black women in their 30s and 40s claim their worth find love.
I’m so excited to use the wisdom from my own experience struggling with and eventually finding love and my professional expertise of coaching women to claim their worth, my research and knowledge about the particular challenges and strengths of Black women, and my postdoctoral level training and experience as a couples therapist, to support Black women on their journeys to love.
The group, Black Women Claiming their Worth and Finding Love will start in mid-January 2024 and there are about 10 spots available.
This program is for you if…
You want to find a partner who loves you fully as you are in your strength and power and who makes it safe for you to show your vulnerabilities. The challenge is that you don’t fully love and accept yourself this way yet.
You want a partner who cares for you and protects you, yet you don’t care for yourself or protect yourself through healthy boundaries.
You want to build a life with someone who’s “on your level” yet you keep settling for people who have impressive resumes but don’t prioritize you and your relationship.
You know that it’s possible to find love (other Black women in your life have done it) but you find it hard to feel hopeful with the discouraging statistics about Black love and frustrating dating experiences.
Through this program you will:
Heal from past relationship trauma and release emotional baggage.
Get clear on what you want in a partner and feel worthy of receiving it.
Identify and clear your internal roadblocks to relationships and eliminate patterns of self-sabotage.
Feel confident in dating and have fun while doing it.
Have the tools to build a healthy long-lasting relationship.
If this sounds like you and you’re ready to make 2024 the year where you finally find the love you deserve email me at info@dradiagooden.com or DM me on IG (@dradiagooden) or message me on Linked in.
We’ll schedule a time to talk through all the details and make sure this is the right fit for you. I can’t wait to hear from you.
Also, if you want to start making shifts and preparing for the relationship you want now, I’ve got you. Be sure to grab my brand new FREE guide on Preparing for the Relationship You Want.
To connect further with me:
Follow me on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/dradiagooden
Connect with me on Linkedin: https://www.linkedin.com/in/adiagooden/
Subscribe to my YouTube channel: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCURnbYiU8WTj_2RlMIyER0w
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