Mindset Shifts to Start Feeling Worthy with Dionne Regis
— EPISODE 62 —
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Adia Gooden: (0:00:00) This episode is sponsored by Crys & Tiana taking the guesswork out of launching your podcast.
Welcome to the Unconditionally Worthy Podcast. In this podcast, I will guide you on your journey to connect with the true source of your self-worth. Each week we'll discuss barriers to unconditional self-worth, the connection between self-worth and relationships, self-worth practices you can apply to your life, and how to use self-worth as a foundation for living courageously. I'm your host, Dr. Adia Gooden, a licensed clinical psychologist, dance enthusiast, and a dark chocolate lover who believes deeply that you are worthy unconditionally.
Hello and welcome to another episode of the Unconditionally Worthy Podcast. I am recording this at a time when I'm sort of getting back into the groove of working and momming and balancing everything. Sleep is getting better over here in the good and Stanford household, but we are still working on it. So I'm noticing my cognitive function is not quite as sharp as I'd like it to be. Hopefully by the time you listen to this episode, everything is going well. Maybe if it's the tie and we are all good. That is my hope.
So I'm really excited about the episode today. It's another coaching call. So I have another, so audience member who volunteered to be coached by me. And I am thinking about this as an opportunity to share with someone what I would have shared with my younger self. So Dionne is my guest. And, you know, she talks about her experience with being a first generation immigrant. So her parents immigrated of having imposter syndrome of feeling like she needs to be the best in order to be worthy. And we really get into the challenges of that as well as some mindset shifts for her as she lets go of this idea that only accomplishments and influence will make her worthy. I think it's a really powerful episode, and no matter what life stage you're in, I'm imagining that you're going to resonate with what we talk about. We talk about imposter syndrome, we talk about, you know, a really unique way to kind of tap into self-compassion. And so I think you're going to find it helpful. So listen in and be sure to DM me or send me an email, @dradiagooden on Instagram and let me know what you think.
Hello, and I am really excited to welcome Dionne Regis to the podcast. Dionne is currently a master student in the clinical and counseling department at Teachers College Columbia University, specializing in school counseling with a focus towards late adolescents and young adults. Dionne hopes to pursue a PhD in clinical or counseling psychology with research dedicated to the effects of media on minoritized youth self-esteem. In her free time, Dionne enjoys being one with nature dancing, reading self-help books, hanging out with friends, and spending time with family. And I am really excited to have Dionne on the podcast. This is another special episode where I am coaching a member of the audience, and Dionne has graciously volunteered to be coached on this episode of the podcast. So, welcome, Dionne.
Dionne Regis: Thank you for having me.
Adia Gooden: Yeah, you're so welcome. And I'm excited to sort of talk, get into it today. I think, you know, we had a pre-call and a lot of the things that you shared that you struggle with related to self-worth are things that I also struggled with in terms of self-worth. And so I'm sort of thinking this as a little bit of an opportunity to share with you what I would have shared with my younger self, right? Like what I wish somebody had told me when I was your age. And I think that people are going to find it really helpful regardless of what age or life fades and stage they're in. So I'm hoping we can start with you sharing a bit about your own self-worth journey and sort of where you're at in your journey right now.
Dionne Regis: Yes. So in terms of my self-worth journey, it has definitely been a rollercoaster. So just a bit of background on me. I grew up in a first generation household, so my parents immigrated to America in the late 80s. So basically everything in my life has been a first for me. And because of that, it has left a lot of feelings of imposter syndrome and always feeling the need to like, have to up myself or up the game one and just kind of be like, I have to do better than I did the day before or the month before, etcetera. And I think right now I'm currently pursuing my master's degree and I'm very grateful for this step. But again, I realize that even in undergrad and as I've been trying to get this (0:05:00) career that I am so passionate about, I realize that there's been, it's been creating spaces where there's people who look less, who look, do not look like me, basically, and creating communities where I would feel like, oh, like I have to work extra hard not only for myself and to prove that I belong in a space, but also that I'm creating a door for other people who look like me to enter through that door.
So I think in my battle of self-worry and my self-worth journey, I feel like I as I've been reaching these, like growing through this ladder, I've been losing confidence in myself in terms of like, when I'm in classes, I always, especially in high school where it was a predominantly like black Hispanic community, I was always the first one to raise my hand. I was always the first one to feel really proud and like just put my voice out there. But I realized that, as I've been growing up, I've been kind of retracting myself and kind of feeling like, is what I'm saying matter? Like, is what I'm due with is my, like everything in my process doesn't matter and is kind of taking me aback, I feel like a bit. So lately I've just been battling like feelings of self-esteem, like feelings of imposter syndrome, feelings of just feeling negative at times, feeling hopeless at times, feeling like, is this really worth it? And then you throw in social media now that we have, and I see, and most of the times I'm comparing myself to other black women and I see like, this person bought a house by the age of like 21, 23. And I'm like, what am I doing? Like am I on the right path? So then it becomes to a point now where even when I do have successes, even when I do have winds, whether major or small, I don't see it as enough. And then it just continues to be this battle of, okay, I have like, sure I did this. I can like celebrate it for one minute, but I have to do more. I have to keep going. And now I'm at this phase where I'm like burned out basically. So that's been really difficult for me and having to battle all of these emotions.
Adia Gooden: Yeah. I mean, it's heavy, right?
Dionne Regis: Yeah.
Adia Gooden: Like I just sort of imagine you racing up a mountain with a heavy backpack of I'm the first, I got to be better than, I got to prove I deserve to be here. I got to be the representative and make sure the door is open for everybody else who is coming behind me. I got to make sure my parents know that their sacrifices are worth it. I got right. Like, whew, right? And meanwhile you're not like leisurely hiking up the mountain. You're like, let's go. Like let's get to the top of this mountain as quickly as possible, right? So it's like, yeah, I think I understand why you feel burned out. I get it. I think that makes so much sense.
Dionne Regis: Yeah. It's like hard. Yeah. There's moments where I'm just like can't breathe, you know.
Adia Gooden: Well, maybe we could start there. Like let's just take a deep breath. Like literally let's take a deep breath together. Ready? Inhale, sigh it out. Okay. Let's do one more, inhale. Those of you listening, I hope you're breathing with us. Because I think that when we are in this race to the top, when we feel all of this pressure, we do sort of run out of breath. We hold our breath and we feel like we can't catch our breath because we're going so fast and there's all this coming at us and we've just got to keep going, because if we stop, what does that mean, right? So even just breathing can be powerful even though it's so simple, right? Because people just take a deep breath and sometimes that said is like, calm down, take a deep breath, it's not that serious, right? And so it feels invalidating.
And I don't want to invalidate you because I think what you're feeling is very valid and really understandable. And if we can reconnect to our breath, right, this thing that we're always doing, but sometimes forget and sometimes lose touch with that actually can be the beginnings of slowing down to connect to the part of ourselves that's more than the next accomplishment, the next comment in class, the next grade, the next social media post or like or whatever. And so if you notice yourself like in that, I feel like I can't even catch my breath. A place to start is to just deep inhale, deep exhale, hand on the chest. It's okay, right? Like even telling yourself it's okay. And sometimes that might come at the end of the day, right? When you're tired and you've been in class (0:10:00) and you've felt yourself shrinking as you were saying, and thought, oh my God, I didn't know the answer to that or I didn't totally understand everything that was being said, and I'm not this because I used to be smartest kid in class and, right? Like can you let yourself just, it's okay, right? Like it's okay. So that could be sort of a, just a starting place. What is that? So how do you feel after taking a couple deep breaths with me? And what do you think about that as something that you could offer to yourself when you're feeling particularly overwhelmed?
Dionne Regis: I think it's helpful. I think I'm happy you had me do it more than once because even like on the first breath, like I felt my breath really ragged or jagged, like very much like it was coming out, but it wasn't like smooth. It was like all like the, I guess like the pent up energy in my breath. It was like. But then as I did it again I realized like it was more calming and it was, it centered me and allowed me, okay, let's just focus on self. So I think that was very helpful. And I think even like when I do it in the future, like placing my hand on my chest to kind of just like center myself and kind of like be with myself. I think that would be really helpful. Because I don't do that a lot.
Adia Gooden: Yeah. It's so easy to get caught up in the midst of the busyness of the world to forget and, you know, take as many breaths as you want, right? You can take 10 breaths, you can spend five minutes, you can spend 10 minutes. So just giving yourself that space to just breathe and pause I think can be really helpful. I mean I think, you know, so many people are going to resonate with the story that you're sharing, right? The story of being a young black woman of being who's achieving highly, who's feeling like you got to prove that you're worthy, who's experiencing imposter syndrome, who's feeling like you got to be a good representative. So many people relate to that. I know that I certainly have gone through that and experienced some of those pressures that you're feeling. And I think it's also common to have that increase as you sort of go up in terms of education. Because as you said, you started most of the, your classmates were other students of color. So it was sort of a comfortable space, more of a comfortable space, and you felt confident in your skills and your abilities, and you, you were like, I'm going to say that answer, I'm going to be in front of a class, right? Like that was an identity I think for you.
And then as things get more challenging, you go to college and you're like, ooh, I'm not the only smart one, right? I remember my freshman year, so I went to Stanford for undergrad and freshman year orientation we get. They had us like in this big auditorium, and they were like all the freshman, they were like, raise your hand if you were valedictorian. I was not valedictorian, but like a third, right? Like a third or fourth of people, like raise their hand. And it was sort of like, look around like you are no longer the only, or you are no longer the best. And the point wasn't to like beat us down, but to just be like, hey, like this is a different space, right? You've worked hard to be here, but now you're in community with everybody else who worked really hard to be here. And so there is the need to sort of release the identity of I'm the best or I'm the smartest, or I'm one has the answer fastest because it feels scary to sort of lose that identity in the midst of everybody is really smart and really hard working. And I no longer stand out for that. I wonder if that's some of what you've experienced.
Dionne Regis: No, I mean, it is definitely that, I wasn't valedictorian in high school, but I was like in the top five of like my whole class. So like going from that and then going to a university that was in the south, and then also like having kids who are also in the top 10 of their class come, it was very much like, okay, like I have to find a new identity except like, I didn't know what that new identity was. And I think I still struggle with that because like so much of my life and like love my mother, but I had contributed to this is like, oh, like being smart is what makes you. And like I think that's definitely hard because I felt like up until high school, and even like right before entering college, that was something I was very proud of was like, I have like these top grades. Like I have like the honors to like that you get to prove for it. And then now I'm like in a space where, honestly, its fine if I say it, but like in my first year of college I got a F in calculus and that brought my self-esteem so down because I was like, I didn't even know what a C was before that. So before (0:15:00) like so having to like, I think that for me was the moment where I was like, who am I? And then to this point I'm still like, okay, like who am I?
Adia Gooden: Yeah. Right. And now you're at an Ivy League University doing a master's. And I heard you say it doesn't feel like it's enough, right? Like even getting into a master's program right after college at an Ivy League, an excellent school, your mind says, I said, but that's not enough, right. You got to do the next thing, right? So part of it is watching our mind because our mind will continue to say, that's not enough, that's not good enough. You got to do it more. And for me, that looked like racing to finish my PhD, finishing it, defending my dissertation, and realizing even that wasn't enough. And I was sort of heartbroken because I was like, this was supposed to be it, this was supposed do it. And I know you want to get your PhD or your doctorate and so I want to get off that track before you walk out of your dissertation defense and start sobbing like I did, right. I don't want you to have to go through that. And you can certainly still get your doctorate, right. But let's try to detach it from your sense of worthiness, your belief that this is what will finally make me worthy. So what do you think keeps you attached to the idea that more accomplishments or perfect educational performance is what makes you worthy?
Dionne Regis: I think initially it started with my family. Like initially through high school and then like even parts of college, it was kind of this like, I just really want to make my mom proud. I want to make my aunt proud, just kind of, again, being the first to like do everything was just like, I just want them to see me excel. But then in college I had this transition where I realized like premed was no longer for me. I really loved counseling, had like a whole mental breakdown about it, cried about it. And that's the, my new transition of like, I'm actually doing something for me for once. But then those thoughts of like still wanting to do like excellent and still like wanting that praise, like still, it still continued, but it was no longer from my family, it was from myself. I was still putting that pressure on me, even though my mom had literally told me that like, just do what you have to do in order for you to feel like successful. So it was no longer that like, pressure from my mom of feeling, oh, like, I'm going to let my mom down now. I think now it's like I'm, I don't even know, like am I going to let myself down? Or am I just like feeling like, oh, I'm just not going to look good to like people on the outside now. So I'm still trying to figure out if it's more of just like, oh, I just, like, I just want whoever's in my vicinity to see that I don't look like a failure. I think that's what it is. Because I know if I think about just like my inner self, like my inner self is like, you need a break, just chill out. But then I think the outer self is like, I think it's like if I talk to someone, like I want them to see that like, you know, I'm not just doing nothing. And I think that mindset also is like, because I've gone to really good institutions, I now have people around me who are like, yeah, I just did this internship. I'm working with this bank. I just got into, what is it called? Like McKenzie or McKenna, something like, so it's like, so like, you know, I'm always hearing these things and now I'm just like, okay, you need to step it up so.
Adia Gooden: I get the feeling, I know the feeling, right? It's like, for me it was like, oh, that person's on Forbes under 40, 40 under 40. And so that, and at some point I was like, ooh. Or like, first it was 30, under 30, and at some point I was like, oh, shoot, I'm 30. Like, I missed it. Like I'm not going to make it, you know, but I get it, right. You sort of like look around you and you're like, they're doing these impressive things, but part of what I want to tell is they're looking at you the same way, right? Like, they're looking at you and saying, wow, Dionne went straight into a master's program and then Ivy League University. Like she's going to have her master's in like a couple of years. Like that is so impressive. Like that is how they're looking at you. The challenge is that you don't see you that way. And it was interesting that you said, I want, I don't want people to see me as a failure. What do you think would happen if people saw you as a failure?
Dionne Regis: (0:20:00) I feel like, well, the first thing I thought of was just like me, like turning into hermit and like hiding my face from the world. But I think what that really says is that it's a disappointment on my own character I feel like, like I tend to feel it's more of a disappointment in myself if other people see me as a failure.
Adia Gooden: Okay. So you'd feel sort of ashamed and then also disappointed with yourself.
Dionne Regis: Yes.
Adia Gooden: Okay. What do you think it means to be a failure?
Dionne Regis: I think for me being a failure is, I think it's tied into what I view as success. For me, I view success as I'm contributing something to society and to the world where people will be able to recognize my work and my name and the pleasures that I get out of it. I think for me, when I use the word failure, it's the opposite of that, which is I'm not being recognized for what I'm doing or I'm not getting the credit for what I'm doing. I'm not hearing people say, wow, Dionne, what you're doing is inspiring or your work is influential. I feel like that's such a big word nowadays, but I feel like I think for me is like, am I being purposeful with the time that I'm given on this earth? Like, well, am I making the most out of it? Like, will I be able to contribute or contribute something great to society? And I think that's for me is like, I feel like if I don't do that in some, I don't know, my mind thinks of like, some big way. Like I don't know, like Oprah or Meghan Markle. I don't know somebody. But if I don't do it in that way, then I'm not good enough. If that makes sense. Yes.
Adia Gooden: Okay. So I have two questions for you. I'll start with the first one. The first one is, or it's sort of an observation. You're wanting recognition and acknowledgement for what you do while you are overlooking and invalidating what you do?
Dionne Regis: It sounds like oxymoron.
Adia Gooden: Well, often the thing that we from the world is the thing that we're withholding from ourselves. And so my suggestion to you is that you start recognizing yourself, right? Because you're searching for it in the world. Meanwhile you're like, oh, that's not good enough, whatever. Yeah. You went to, right? Like you're being kind of rude to yourself being like master's program, whatever, who cares about that? That's not good enough. You didn't buy house, right? And so it's like, what would it like to start saying, wow, like I graduated college, I got into a great master's program and I'm like working diligently to learn about something that's going to help me help people. Like I feel good about that. Like I really have persevered and I have put my mind to it, then I had put my energy to it and my time to it. Like I'm doing this. What would that feel like, do you think to acknowledge yourself more?
Dionne Regis: I think as you were saying those things, I think the first thing that popped into my head is that if I say to myself, I don't believe it, which I'm like, as I was like thinking, like while you were talking, I was like, why do you not believe that about yourself? Like why is it easier for people to tell you that? But like you, like if you say it, if I said exactly the way you said it, I probably would just laugh at myself in my head, which is like sad, but I don't know why. Yeah. I think because like I just, my mindset has always just been on a, like a goal oriented or a driven mindset that like, I just never took time to actually say, hmm, you know, what you did was enough today. Like look at all the things you did today. And I think that's another thing. I don't even look at all the things I do in a day. I just do it and then feel tired and then go to bed, wake up and just go again.
Adia Gooden: And probably think about the things that you didn't do.
Dionne Regis: Yeah. And think of the things I didn't do, right. Yes.
(0:24:44)
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Adia Gooden: So that really might be your start, right? Like at the end of the day, spending some time thinking about, what did I do today, right? And it doesn't always have to be like, oh, I finished this paper or I did that, but it's like I, you know, was volunteering or I was, you know, doing some counseling work with a young person and I helped him have an insight, right? Or I, you know, got a great idea for what I want to write for this next paper. Or I, you know, like whatever I helped my mom or my parent or I tutored someone or I helped, right? Like, but like, what did I do? What ways did I contribute today? And I don't think that your life has to only be about contribution. I think contribution is really important because it makes life meaningful. But I don't want you to feel like if you have a day where you "didn't contribute", that that means you didn't do enough, right? Because this is the challenge we get in with our mind. Because it says, well no, you're not contributing enough; yesterday you contributed five times, today you're one, right.
And we can sort of make it this sort of quantitative thing versus, you know, being, acknowledging, but also acknowledging the fact that sometimes the biggest way we contribute is just like being with someone and being present with them, right? I think you'll learn that as you train to be a counselor, right? Yeah. It's the skills. Yeah. That's important. And it's also the being with that can be one of the most powerful aspects of helping people, right? And so if you could spend some time trying to holistically acknowledge, here's what I did today, here's how I showed up, here's how I contributed to myself, to my community, to my family. Here's what I can feel good about today. And start small in a daily way. I think that that might help to sort of shift a narrative that's in your head, which is, I don't do enough. I'm never doing enough, I'm not enough. What do you think about that?
Dionne Regis: No, I think that's really important for me because like, even when you're just talking about like the example of like being with a person versus the skills, I think even in that mindset, I'm like, I'm definitely the skills person when it comes to like my therapy and working on that. I'm like, make sure you got all this. Like even when I take classes and we do the work, I'm like, am I using all the correct skills? And sometimes my teacher told me to like, Dionne, are you just listening to the person? Like you're so focused on the skills and what you should apply that you're not fully focusing on what the person is saying at times. And I'm like, I do that to my own self, so yeah.
Adia Gooden: Right. And I think, you know, we all, I think have experienced the power of someone's being with us and truly listening and like how healing that can be, okay. And so I, I really do, especially since you're becoming a counselor, I want you to remember like your most powerful moments as a counselor are going to be when you're very present and you're in being mode versus let me check the box of doing and what I do as a counselor. And so I want you to pay attention to that. Like pay notice when you have those powerful moments of clients and what came before it was probably you being truly present and hearing something and saying something back to them more than you being like, okay, like this is the skill and how do I do the skill and this is the right way to do the skill. And, you know, okay, let's, you know, and not that that's a bad thing, right? But I want you to balance that with the part. Because I think you're going to find that it's really powerful and energizing and exciting. So that's one thing. So the second (0:30:00) sort of challenge question to you is, you know, you sort of said, I feel like if I don't contribute on the level of Oprah, which like, my goodness, oh, then I have not like, I have not used up my time and space in this world well, good enough.
Adia Gooden: Right. Tell me about, do you have a good relationship with your grandmother?
Dionne Regis: My grandmother passed away.
Adia Gooden: Did you have a relationship with her?
Dionne Regis: Yes I did. We were really close up until she passed away.
Adia Gooden: Okay. Tell me about how she contributed to your life and to the world?
Dionne Regis: I mean, for me, she made me see, she made me feel seen, like when my mom was always like very much like, you know, be smart and do that. I think for our relationship it was more of like the personal just like, are you eating well? Are you sleeping well? Like, is life okay for you? And I think that I really missed those factors about her, where it's just like, she just cares if I'm alive. Not just so that my mom doesn't care, but she very much is the, like the grandmother feeling of like people so.
Adia Gooden: Same with my grandma who also passed away. And I imagine you might relate that it's a big loss to lose someone who loves us that way. It's hard not to have them here in this earth, right? So I asked you about your grandmother for one reason, and it's going to lead to something else too. And that reason is don't you think your grandmother was powerfully impactful when she was here, even though she probably isn't well-known, like Oprah?
Dionne Regis: She was impactful to me.
Adia Gooden: Yeah. And probably your cousins and if you have siblings and your parent, like she made a significant meaningful impact on you, on the world and the ripple effect of how that affects you and how you affect the world, right? And you would never ever say, well, I mean, people didn't know her name all over the world, so that mean she didn't contribute enough. Like you would never say that about your grandmother, would you?
Dionne Regis: No, I would not.
Adia Gooden: Right? And so I point that out because I think its fine to strive for greatness. I think its fine to want to be great in the world and you want to have a wide impact. But my concern is attaching that and saying, if it does not happen in this way, I have decided I want it to happen. Then it means it was nothing, then I did not do enough. Then I am not worthy enough. Does that make sense?
Dionne Regis: It does make sense. Yeah. To put all, to attach all of like your, like this idea of greatness to one label and whether or not you match that label, that determines everything I feel. Yeah. That's also just a lot of pressure.
Adia Gooden: It's a lot of pressure. It's a lot of pressure. And when we, there's like a healthy amount of pressure when we want to achieve highly. And part of it is like, okay, you're motivated, you're energized, you're like, let's do this, right? But then when it gets too much, which is like, if you don't do this, I don’t know, right? Like, oh, you're sick. Do you want to rest? No, no, you know what I mean like, then it's unhealthy, right, and unhelpful. So, we want to balance of like, you know, I really want to impact a lot of people and I’m excited about the possibility of like really, you know, like being, having a widespread impact. But when it's a lot is like, was your name written in a magazine? Well, who cares what you did?
Yeah?
Dionne Regis: Yeah. I agree with that. Yeah. I feel like, yeah, just even talking about that is like, it's helpful for me because like, I think that that has been my mindset for so long is just kind like, oh, well, literally, like if I like just thinking about all the things that I've done, I'm like, if it's not in a magazine, like who cares? Like you still did like a lot of great things and I mean, I will continue to do a lot of great things, but like it doesn't, it shouldn't add up to one moment of like, oh, like your name's in the magazine, X, Y, and Z. Like everything that I am doing, it does matter. Because like it has already been impacting people. Like just like even people like that were younger than me in college who like also look up to me and like I think about those things, I'm like, you know, like there are people who like see what I'm doing and like, or like I aspire to just have that same passion that she has. So I think it's important for me to like continue to remember that because very easily, like again, like I get back into that mindset, if I think, if I could keep remembering this, like my work (0:35:00), my passions, like all of these things I'm doing, there were more than just one label, then that's really important.
Adia Gooden: Yeah. And I think we could expand it beyond, right? Like so many people have had an impact on your life whose names are not in magazines.
Dionne Regis: Right.
Adia Gooden: Your grandmother is one wonderful example. And I chose a grandmother because often the way grandmothers impact us is by their love and is by how they, how they be with us, right? How they see us, as you said, you felt seen versus like what they are doing, right? You didn't, you said, yeah. Like she was like are you eating, but it wasn't like, well, she cooked this meal and because it was this meal and it was delicious, that's what, you know, like maybe she cooked some amazing meals, but that wasn't the point, right? It was her being her energy that impacted you the most. And it's true for us too. We may not be grandmothers yet and it's the energy that we bring into the spaces that we inhabit that are, you know, that that's what impacts people, right? That that's what blesses people. That's what that, that's what supports people. And if we only thought that the people who made it in magazines were valuable, like, my gosh, most of us would not be seen as valuable or worthy, which would be very sad. And you would never say to someone else, you would never say to your friend like, yeah, it's kind of impressive that you're doing this, but like have you made it into a magazine yet? But you were never there.
Dionne Regis: Yeah. That's the funny thing. It's like I look at others, I'm like, wow, your work is so valuable. And like, I don't think like that towards, and I'm like, everything you're doing so great. Like, doesn't matter if it gets seen by like a 100,000 people, like as long as like their work is like benefiting the people that's around them. So I want to apply that same energy to myself, you know.
Adia Gooden: Exactly. Exactly. And, you know, I think that you have the disadvantage of growing up in the age of social media where the possibilities for influence are just vastly, vastly different than when I was growing up, right? Like when there was no social media, like yeah, famous people were famous. Like if you were on TV, you know, or you, like you were an actor, you were head of a big company. Like there were those people who were famous, but like reality TV is a fairly new thing. Like when I was in high school, it was like, oh, real world. And I don't even know that happens, but like, you know, it's like reality TV is a new thing. So that's a way of being famous. And then you have, your generation has influencers, right? So who are literally sort of like famous for living their life, right? And I think another challenge is like, is everyone who's an influencer and has like hundreds of thousands of followers, like does that mean they're making a significant impact in the life? Some of them are, but some of them are telling you that like this is the lip gloss you should buy. You know what I mean? So we have, we live sort of in a world right now where impacted influence is a little bit distorted and our sense of what is like a meaningful contribution can be distorted by the possibility of having a million followers on TikTok or Instagram in a way that may or may not be connected to actually doing something meaningful that's helps other people.
Dionne Regis: Yeah. I definitely, I feel that, I feel that. Because I think that's, I think that's another thing with like the social media and just like influence and stuff. I feel like once you have this big following that like you're automatically like doing something great to society or like you are very valuable I guess. But then when you mention like the lip gloss thing, I'm like, oh, I mean, you're selling lip gloss or promoting a lip gloss, so I don’t know, but yeah.
Adia Gooden: Yeah. So some of this is like, how do we challenge or dismantled these ideas that your mind has told you about what it means to be worthy, right? Because your mind is saying, to be worthy, you have to be on a magazine, to be worthy, millions of people need to know your name, to be worthy you got to get as many degrees as possible, right? And what I'm helping you to do right now is sort of like let's look at that. Like let's look at that. Because often these thoughts just live in our heads rent free, and we just believe them. We're like, yeah, that's true. Of course it's just the truth in the background. But when we bring it into the foreground and we actually look at it, we're like, oh, does that, is that, do I really believe that, I don't believe that to of anybody else. So why would I believe that to be true of myself, right? Or like if I really look at it like, yeah, (0:40:00) you can have a lot of influence and not a lot of contribution or impact, then that's not really what I want, right? Like, and so you start like let's look at it and then when you look at it, it's easier to say, you know, I'm going to choose not to believe that anymore. And the thought may still come up, right? It may not sort of eliminate the thought, but it can come up and you can say, you know what? I'm not believing that anymore. I don't, I no longer believe it's true that the only way to impact and have a meaningful, meaningful contribution in my life is by having millions of people know my name. What I can focus on is how do I have a positive impact on the people I'm interacting with today? What about this one client, this one student I'm sitting with right now? What if I was really present, took deep breaths and focused on supporting this student as best as I could in this moment? What if that was where I focused my impact energy versus on the big, the shining the bright lights?
Dionne Regis: I think, yeah. Yeah. Just being present. I feel like that's another thing. Because I think my mindset is always so future oriented that like even just like, just sitting in the present and like, there's so much people that's around me just like throughout the day not really thinking about, oh, just like how have I been helping someone today? I feel like if I thought more about that, I feel like that would also bring a sense of gratitude, which helps usually help to me what I feel like when I'm more gracious and there's more gratitude, I'm more like I'm actually just helping people. Like I'm actually just being in the moment. So I feel like that's also something that I like I should consider and like really think about deeper as well.
Adia Gooden: Yeah, I think a theme that's coming out of our conversation is slowing down and getting present. We started by talking about the deep breaths. When you feel overwhelmed, can you slow down, breathe deeply, right? Connect to yourself, right? Can you be present with the students that you counsel? Can you focus on sort of like what you did today and what you're doing today versus what am I doing in the future and 10 years from now and five years from now? Like let's get hyper like focus on the local, the right now the presence. Like I'm in this moment in this class and maybe I don't have all the answers and that's okay. I can bring my presence, I can bring my curiosity, I can ask questions, I don't have to perform, I can be present, right? And that's how I can contribute to this class in this moment or with the client, right? And so like really like focus on the present I think is going to be helpful.
And then I think the last thing I'd recommend is using your grandmother as a voice of compassion. Imagine her guiding you, checking in on you. How are you today? What's going on? I'm so proud of you, right? Like, imagine her voice accompanying you throughout the day because we want to turn down the volume on this inner criticism, the part of your mind that says that's not good enough. Why did you do that? I can't believe you're going to be a fit. Turn down on that and turn the volume up on your grandma that says, have you eaten? Why don't you take a rest? It seems like you've done a lot. Why don't you take some time off this weekend? Come here, let me give you a hug, right? That part of that voice, right? Right? And so that's what I, whatever your grandmother sounded like, right? Like that's what I want you to remember because that is a voice that says, you worthy right now, you don't have to do one more thing, you're worthy. I love you, I'm here for you. I see you, right? And that's the sort of what I want you to be little connect to and remember and I think the easiest way to tap into it in the beginning is by using your grandmother's voice. What do you think about that?
Dionne Regis: No, I think that's helpful because even when we were just talking about like the grandmother's voice and like my grandmother specifically, it brings back happiness. It brings back a sense like calm, like it's calming, it's soothing, it's ah, like I just think about like my grandma's hugs where it's just like your whole body like was tense and it just like falls into your grandmother and I'm like, that feels so great again.
Adia Gooden: Yeah. Okay, good. I also was just going to mention, so I have it's like a micro course and it's on the app Insight Timer and it's (0:45:00) on overcoming imposter syndrome. And so it goes over like some of the things we talked about today, but like a lot, like there's a lot more details. So it's like a 15 day, every day there's like a 10 to 15 minute audio lesson with strategies on overcoming imposter syndrome. And I think that that would be a really good fit for you. So you could, I'll send you the link and we'll also link it in the show notes for those who are listening and like, oh, I might be interested in that too. But basically, I'm pretty sure it's still, it's like $20, so its way more valuable than $20, but it's just $20, you get access to it or if you use the app Insight Timer or interested, there's lots of courses on Insight Timer. I think you can sign up for an annual membership to access all of the courses for $60 and that'll take you through a year. So I'll send that to you because I think that that might be another way to like, you could listen to a lesson every day for the next 15 days and like really, you know, learning about what's contributing to your imposter syndrome, some of what we talked about and like learning strategies that help with overcoming it. I think it might be really supportive to you as, you know, just like continuing some of the things that we were talking about in this conversation.
Dionne Regis: I would definitely tune into that. I could use all the tips.
Adia Gooden: Okay. All right. So I'll send that to you. Well, Dionne, thank so much for being willing to share your experience. I know that so many people are going to relate to the same challenges that you're having and I really hope that this call, this coaching is helping you to start shifting your thinking and start, you know, moving towards acknowledging yourself, right, being present, slowing down, right? And as you do that, you're going to start to tune into what is it that I'm uniquely here to contribute? It's going to be easier to tap into that when you slow down and you listen to yourself and your present in the moment and see what emerges, as that happens you'll get a sense of like, what am I contributing uniquely? And it'll be confident that contribution, which is different than the achievement part of it, like the achievement orientation. Any last questions or thoughts?
Dionne Regis: No, honestly, those have been really helpful for me just because it's something I've always struggled with and like I acknowledged it but never knew where to go with it. So being able to have this conversation with you has really provided me like a lot of insight and just like, honestly, I think the word that just keeps sticking out to me right now is compassion, because I like don't have a lot of that to myself. So I'm definitely taking all of this and will continue to apply it. So thank you for that.
Adia Gooden: You're so welcome. I'm honored to be able to support you in this way and make sure we stay in touch.
Dionne Regis: Of course.
Adia Gooden: Thanks for joining me this week on the Unconditionally Worthy Podcast. Make sure to visit my website, dradiagooden.com and subscribe to the show on iTunes, so you'll never miss an episode. You can also follow me on social media @dradiagooden. If you love the show, please leave a review on iTunes so we can continue to bring you amazing episodes. Lastly, if you found this episode helpful and know someone who might benefit from hearing it, please share it. Thanks for listening and see you next episode.
This episode was produced by Crys & Tiana and the music is by Wataboi.
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It’s important to challenge and dismantle the ideas that your mind has sold you about what it means to be worthy. How do you do that? Let’s talk about it!
In this episode, I welcome Dionne Regis, a Master's student in the Clinical and Counseling department at Teachers College, Columbia University, where she’s specializing in school counseling. With a focus towards late adolescents and young adults, Dionne hopes to pursue a PhD in Clinical or Counseling Psychology with research dedicated to the effects of media on minoritized youth' self-esteem.
Listen in to this 1:1 coaching session as Dionne shares her experience being a first-generation immigrant and the challenges of having imposter syndrome while working towards a Master’s degree. We also discuss a few mindset shifts she (or any of you) can practice to let go of the idea that only accomplishments and influence will make you worthy.
No matter what age or life stage you’re in, I imagine you’ll resonate with this powerful conversation. So, let’s get into it!
“It comes to a point now where, even when I do have successes, even when I do have wins, whether major or small, I don’t see it as enough and then it just continues to be this battle of, sure I did this and I can celebrate it for like one minute, but I have to do more, I have to keep going. And now, I’m at this phase where I’m burnt out.” - Dionne Regis
With social media playing a huge role in young people’s lives, it’s hard for us not to compare ourselves to other people, especially in terms of success. Dionne has noticed herself comparing herself to other women of color on social media, which has caused her to question her own success. This has not only harmed her self-esteem and self-worth, but she’s becoming burnt out, too.
When we’re in this race to the top, carrying so much pressure and expectation on our backs, it’s easy to feel like we can’t even slow down to catch our breath. Taking moments to take a few deep breaths and be present is a great way to start reconnecting to the part of yourself that’s more than the next accomplishment, grade, social media post, etc. If you notice you’re feeling overwhelmed or you’ve been breathing shallowly, that’s the first place to start. Breathe.
Mindset Shifts to Start Feeling Worthy:
You can’t expect recognition from others for your accomplishments if you’re overlooking and invalidating what you do. Often, the thing we want most from the world is the thing we’re withholding from ourselves. What would it feel like to acknowledge yourself more?
It’s great that you want to strive to make an impact on the world, and you can make an impact just by being. Life isn’t all about doing, doing, doing and achieving the exact outcomes you envision. Notice moments where you’re being present rather than being busy or worrying about the future. Sit in those moments and be grateful for your existence.
People look at you the same way no matter what goals you reach. The challenge is that you’re not looking at yourself that way. Try to detach your accomplishments from your value as a person.
At the end of the day, reflect on everything you did that day. What did you contribute to yourself, your community, your family, etc.? If you have a day where you didn’t contribute, that’s okay. Practice validating what you do each day as enough, regardless of what you actually did.
Apply the same energy and validation you give to others to yourself. Would you tell your best friend or colleague that their accomplishments aren’t good enough? Probably not… So why would you tell yourself that?
If you’re interested in learning more strategies for overcoming imposter syndrome, check out my microcourse on Insight Timer - Overcoming Imposter Syndrome: https://insig.ht/v9hJ1ZcOOub.
About Dionne Regis:
Dionne Regis is currently a master's student in the Clinical and Counseling department at Teachers College, Columbia University, specializing in school counseling. With a focus towards late adolescents and young adults, Dionne hopes to pursue a PhD in Clinical or Counseling Psychology with research dedicated to the effects of media on minoritized youth' self-esteem. In her free time, Dionne enjoys being one with nature, dancing, reading self-help books, hanging out with friends, and spending time with family.
To connect further with Dionne:
Follow her on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/live_foreignly
Follow the Inner Healing Journal on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/theinnerhealingjournal
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This episode was produced by Crys & Tiana.
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