What It Really Looks Like to Show Up Authentically & Set Boundaries with Dr. Tamitra Clark
— EPISODE 63 —
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Adia Gooden: (0:00:00) This episode is sponsored by Crys & Tiana taking the guesswork out of launching your podcast.
Welcome to the Unconditionally Worthy Podcast. In this podcast, I will guide you on your journey to connect with the true source of your self-worth. Each week we'll discuss barriers to unconditional self-worth, the connection between self-worth and relationships, self-worth practices you can apply to your life, and how to use self-worth as a foundation for living courageously. I'm your host, Dr. Adia Gooden, a licensed clinical psychologist, dance enthusiast, and a dark chocolate lover who believes deeply that you are worthy unconditionally.
Thanks for joining me for another episode of The Unconditionally Worthy Podcast. I am really, really joyful. My heart is full after the conversation that I had with Dr. Tamitra Clark. We talk about a lot of things. We talk about holistic self-care. We talk about setting boundaries. We talk about grief and moving through grief. It was really a dynamic conversation and also really special for me. I grew up with Tamitra. She knew me when I was a baby. She used to do my hair. She directed the children's and youth choirs that I was a part of. And, you know, she grew up, I grew up with her as a really close family friend. Her son is my God brother. And so I'm just grateful to be able to have her on the podcast. She shares an incredible amount of wisdom. She has a way of phrasing and putting things that just are very enlightening, and she drops so many gems, so many wisdom bombs. And this is a really powerful episode. So I want you to listen in. At the end she shares about her own internet radio show and her forthcoming book. And I know that you're going to want to check those out. So listen to the end. Be sure to connect with her and let me know what you think. Let's get into it.
I am so honored, grateful, excited to welcome Dr. Tamitra Clark to the podcast. Today, Dr. Tamitra Clark earned her PsyD in multicultural clinical community psychology from Alliant International University and a BA in psychology from California State University, Los Angeles. She has served in the social services and mental health fields for over two decades, working with disproportionately populations. She matured in the field and as she matured in the field, she realized she could not be to others what she was not being to herself. She started doing the work to restore wellness in various dimensions of her life, including addressing grief and loss. She discovered strategies that have given her a renewed sense of purpose, being clarity and transformation that fuels how she shows up in the room and lives life with intention and purpose. Dr. Tamitra shares that these strategies in her dimensions of wellness, grief, and loss workshops. Her personal journey with grief and loss has motivated her to share her experience as well as those of her mother and two sisters in her book, When Numb Is Not Enough, which is due to be released in fall 2022. So part of the reason I am excited to welcome Tamitra is because I have known her or maybe I should say, she has known me since I was a baby. So I sort of grew up with Tamitra and she used to do my hair and she directed the children, the youth choir that I was a part of. And I hung out at her house and her son is my God brother. And so we go way, way, way, way, way back, and it feels really, really special to have you on the podcast with me. And so thank you for being here and welcome.
Tamitra Clark: Thank you for the invitation. And I am just, there are no words to describe how grateful I am for the opportunity to share this platform with you, I think this is super-duper cool. And so I'm excited.
Adia Gooden: Yeah. Awesome. So I want to start our conversation where I always start my conversations with guests, which is by asking you to share about your own self-worth journey.
Tamitra Clark: You know what, when I, when you, when I saw that question and I was looking at their, your website, and when I heard your Ted Talk, I was like, oh my goodness, our lives parallel so much. Because when I heard you talk about how you tried to fit into this and what you did, you threw yourself into school and you threw yourself into these activities. And that still was not enough. I just said, OMG (0:05:00), I felt like I was really listening to my own self story. Growing up the youngest of three, I was, I felt like the bully, you know, like I was being bullied by my older siblings. He would, you know, my brother would make us fight and do all these things. And they had like all the name brand toys. I had the knockoff brands. And so their toys didn't want my toy to play.
And so I just grew up feeling just not wanted. And so I remember, and I know this is going to sound real crazy, but I always wanted to play dress up, right? And so I would get a pair of heels and I would get a purse, and I would walk down the street and my brother would walk up behind me like he was mugging me, right? And he would chug my nose and I couldn't breathe. And I would start screaming and fall to the ground. And I was like that hurts, that's not fair. But I was playing with my brother, so I would get up and be like, okay, let's do it again. And that was like so fun that was like, I felt like, oh, okay. I mean, something, he's playing with me. He's playing with me. And when I think back now in hindsight, I'm like, girl, why would you say that was an okay game to play? We would play cops and robbers. He and my sister were the good guys. I was the bad one.
So of course I got, I was the one that got beat up, but that's how I felt like I was special. And I felt a part of them. I mean, as when we grew older, we all, you know, we all missed, right? And so whenever we would go to events at school and things, they look the three of us, you know, the three TCs, right? And so growing up because that was how I perceive myself as like less than I did those things, I was like, well, I'll just be a good student in school. I'll just do really well in school, right. And I'll be good kid, I won't be the problem child, you know. And as grew up in school and I got to high school because my brother and my sis were there before me, teachers would look at me and say, oh, you're Joy or Tracy's sister? I'm like, no, but I'm not like them. I'm actually a student. I'm actually a student. And so I did that and I put myself in these places to try to feel, because they were the popular, I wasn't, I had a gap in my teeny and I was more kind of like the duckling. I had nicknames that were not, you know, the most socialized accepted, right, nickname. I was like, if that's what it takes, okay, then that's what I'll do.
When I got pregnant, that's when it hit me that I needed to do something different. Because now my life was not just for me. It was no longer about me. It was about this little bundle joy that I had. And even then, I'll never forget, I was told by someone that I was going to do just rest of them, black mothers and I would not finish. And I was going to be statistic. And now I had a point to, I had a point. I'm going to do this, come hell or high water, I'm going to show you. But I paid for that. That gave me the cost for my body. I literally, and I don’t know if you ever knew this. After I had Cameron at 5:25, I literarily tried to leave the hospital because I had a class at 6:00. And I said, oh, how long is it going to take to clean this up?
Adia Gooden: Oh my gosh.
Tamitra Clark: And the nurse said, excuse me, what did you just say? I said, my class starts at 6:00, I got to go. She said, you just gave birth to whole person. You can't go anywhere. I said, but you don't understand, my professor is a jerk and he's not going to let me out of class. He gave me a D and told me I should not have signed up for his class so close to my due date. So imagine what that did to my character, my sense of being. So I was out of school literarily two weeks and I was back from (inaudible) and I never stopped. And that took a toll on my body eventually. When I was diagnosed in '99 with (inaudible). And so I knew a shift had to made, but still was not quite how I was supposed to make that shift because now I have this life to care for. And so still not really valuing who I was, it was about this life and I was now responsible for that. So I just kept going in that vein, you know, I kept going, I kept going and all the while in the back of my head, having that little birdie say, hey, I'm asking for you to do something different. When I started working at (inaudible) and I started working in LA (inaudible) Center as the Director.
I had a staff, I had an entire case management department. I had a transportation department. I had six satellite facilities, and I had a homebound meals department (0:10:00). The youngest there, everyone was a senior, 65 and older. My case management assistant was 80 something years old. And I'm asking for help and my supervisor was like, nope, don't have a budget. So I had to literally teach myself that. And I literally made myself sick. And I said, give two weeks, I'll bounce back and I'll be back. That two weeks turned into four. And that's when I had to have the whole Jesus conversation. I was like, this is not the way that my life is designed. And so I started looking at areas of wellness, those eight areas, my physical, my emotional, my spiritual, my financial, my vocational, even my environmental, my social. I looked at all those areas and I was like something has to be different.
And so I started looking at those pieces. Have I mastered it? Absolutely not. But I've been able to use that even in the work that I do, grief, loss, and feel me so that I can sit with people to let them know one, when there's a crack in one, it's a domino. And so my journey to soak the work and knowing who I am really is just scratching the surface. For as long as I've been at it and what I do know is that as I continue to learn me and to well in me, what I value and how I see myself may shift and that's okay. Because I see myself as chameleon. I shift and I make the adjustments where I need to, to continue to value and to feel worthy to myself. Because I can't, no one else can see me as that if I don't see myself as that. So that's kind of where I'm today.
Adia Gooden: Wow. I mean, such a powerful story. Right. I think so many people are going to really resonate with it. Right. Both the kind of experiences in childhood and not feeling welcomed and not feeling included and sort of setting you up for this. Okay, well, I'll take what I can get even with what I can get hurts me or makes me not feel good. At least it's something. So I'm going to take that. And then, okay, my identity is going to be the good student. And I, you know, it brought tears to my eyes when you said I was trying to leave, you know, I was trying to leave labor and delivery and go to my class because I knew that my professor would have no grace for me, right. And as somebody who just recently gave birth, right. Like you are not ready, right? There is no way your body is ready for that. Not even two weeks later. And so, but to feel, I understand that feeling of sort of desperation of like, I can't do anything. I cannot let myself stop because this is so important. I am the good student. I am the person who does this. And so I have to keep doing it this way, right? And so, yeah, I think so many people will relate to that and then also will relate to the experience of getting to the point where what wakes you up is getting sick, right, is your body literally saying, stop, enough, I will not do this anymore with you, right. You must stop you. I, you know, you must sit down and look at this because I am no long, I can't function for you the way I used to. And so I think a lot of people will sort of relate to that. Like not totally listening or making a change until there's a physical manifestation of, you know, the overworking, the burnout, the over exhaustion and over extension.
Tamitra Clark: And unfortunately that's what we have a tendency to do as black women, right? Because we've been told that we need to be strong and we have this S in our chest and no matter what we are the power through it. But who said that that's right. We grow up with these values, we grow up with these beliefs. And it's not until we start living life and having our own experiences, at least for me to where I have to stop and say, wait a minute, that doesn't work for me. And create my own set of values and beliefs around what's healthy for me. And not to be disrespectful or not to discount what it was that I was taught, because we are taught on the basis of what we know, you know. And so that's how we're parenting and that's what is brought into our rule. And so I appreciate that. And I've taken those lessons for what they did teach me, but I've had to make those adjustments along the way for my own sanity and for my own life. And for the life of my because I still had a son for, you know, that was still coming up. I had to do it for him, but for no other reason for him.
Adia Gooden: To be there for him (0:15:00). Yeah. And I think it's so true. I think, you know, we like to joke that black don't crack, right. Black women age well, we look great, right. We love that. And it's fun. But the challenge and the hidden underbelly is that we are actually aging at a faster rate than white women. So even though on the outside, we look great, right? We look young, our bodies' age more quickly because of the stress, because of the discrimination, because of something called weathering that we go through. And that means that we have all of these negative health outcomes, right. That health outcomes, cancer, heart disease, diabetes, all these things, we experiencing them at worse. And part of that is because we are not, you know what, I mean, like we're not taking the time or able to take the time to care for ourselves.
Tamitra Clark: Yeah. Because our body is definitely going to give us signals. The mind, people discount the mind body connection. And when I tell you it is so powerful, OMG, what and I tell people what the mind cannot contain, the body will begin to manifest. Our brains and our mind.
Adia Gooden: Oh that's powerful. Say that again. That's really good. Say, can you say that one more time?
Tamitra Clark: What the mind cannot contain, the body will begin to manifest. Our brains and our minds are built to contain a lot, but it does have a limit. And that limit things will start to spill over because we've been given signals all along the way that we've been ignoring. We've been getting that stomach ache, we've been getting that little headache, we've been having that back ache and we shake up, I slept, I slept wrong last night. You know, oh, I, you know, I laid on my neck the wrong way. You know, we come up with these excuses ignoring what our bodies are telling us, and then almost when it's too late or it's going to take more work to now get back in balance, we're almost crumbling. But you don't see that on the outside. But no one knows what happens at night when the doors closed, the lights are off and everybody is sleeping, everybody going to space by yourself what have, and that's what we have to pay attention to. If when the lights are off and we're by ourselves and we're finding that we're a mess, then something is going on.
Adia Gooden: I think that is so powerful, right? Like when the busyness and the noise of the world falls away, where is your mind? Where is your heart? Where is your body? And you know, I think it's really powerful that you talked about going through these sort of eight areas of wellness when you realized you had to do something different. Because so before we started recording, Tamitra and I were sort of joking about hair and like the challenges of being a black woman and getting braids and you're scout pitching and how much time it takes and all of this stuff. And it was a really, it was a funny conversation because as black, like so many black women can relate to this. Maybe that's why there's a trend of like so many people getting sister locks these days. Because people are like, I'm done with all of this. But I think the other thing that this relates to is that so often for women, I think for black women in particular, self-care looks like get your hair done, which is really gets your hair done so you can look good so that other people think you look good. Sometimes it's so you can feel good, but the process usually is not enjoyable, right? Sitting for five or six or seven hours getting your hair braided not fun, right? Get your nails done, right. And so there's often this sort of self-care that's really on the surface. And I love that you talked about going deep and thinking about all of these areas of your life where you could bring in wellness because it moved beyond just, well, am I getting my hairs done? Am I getting my nails done? Do I get my eyelashes? And so I've done self-care, which we know really isn't deep self-care.
Tamitra Clark: Exactly. And for me, my sister and I were just talking about it. She's like, oh, I got to get my nails done so bad. And I thought about it, I said, I haven't had a pedicure since before Thanksgiving. Because for me, the chance to take a nap is more refreshing than getting my toes done. It's more restorative for me because I have to have a reboot. Yes. (0:20:00) It's good to take that 30 minutes, 45 minutes it takes to get your pedicure done and be in the massage chair and just kind of be in that space. But I still got to get up and drive home after that. And I love massages. But I still got to get up and drive home after that. So for me, if I can just be by myself in a quiet spot to quiet my mind, that's self-care for me. Like my family goes to the big house. That's what my grandparents' home is called.
So every Sunday after church, it's just a given, it's like everybody's car is just on autopilot. They know where to go, right? So after church, everyone goes there, I come home, I grab something to eat, I take a nap for a few hours, and I just allow myself to just be. And sometimes they don't understand that. You never come to the big house, or when you come, you always leave early. Because I need that for myself. And so every day I try to be intentional in what I say and what I do in the space that I feel and what I allow to come into my mind. And I tell people that our mind is the most sacred space that we have. You know, we lead into that space is priceless. So if you don't hold value, I can allow you to squat in my mind. I must serve you eviction papers because the price to pay to be in that space, nothing or no one can afford.
Adia Gooden: Yeah. I love that. I mean, there's so much there, right? You're just dropping all these gems. But like I love the metaphor of your mind as like a home, right? And then two layers, like one, who do you let in, right? Like are you letting in people who will defile your home? Who will tear it down? Who will be like, mm, that's the wallpaper you chose, right? Like right. Are you letting in those people, are you letting people who just like suck your energy and your time, eat up all the food in your fridge, never come with anything? Like who are you letting in? And I even think with like some, you said squat, right? Because you can interact with someone, but sometimes those interactions are sticky and they stay with you, right? And sometimes that's like, I think about, you know, I used to watch Real Housewives of Atlanta, right? It was like fun and entertaining.
But then I noticed myself being like in my head, why is she doing that? She should, well, like after I watch the show, I'm thinking, why did this do that? And I'm like, okay, now we need to stop watching the show because they're then squatting in my head, right? Like they're then living, I'm now worried about their drama. That has nothing to do with me. This is not relaxing, this is not fun. And for some people it may be, but for me, I'm feeling irritated about some drama between people that I do not know who do not know me. So that means I should not be watching this show. And I think the other piece of that is how do you keep up your own house, right? Because so many of us struggle with self-criticism and tear down the walls of our own house. We ride on the walls, we don't take out the trash, we don't clean it, it smells bad, it's not a pleasant place to be, right? So it's like one, why do you let in? And two, how do you take care of your own house? Do you make it a good place to live and a good place to be?
Tamitra Clark: Right. That's part of that environmental wellness, right? Being safe in this space that I occupy, you know, and that can go for, that's at home, that's feeling safe where I work, that's feeling safe in my community. So I must walk with an intention to protect those things. Because it doesn't take much to creep in there and tear it down.
Adia Gooden: Right. And I think, you know, especially when I think about black women, when we think about, you know, minoritized communities, people with, from communities that have been disadvantaged, safety is such a huge thing, right? And it's often communicated that you're not worthy of safety either by divestment from communities, right, where there's more community violence and not enough resources, whether it's, you know, being unsafe in the hands of police, right? Like whatever it is, safety is so, is such a challenge. And I think there are things that we can do to protect our safety. There are things that society needs to do to make us more safe. And one thing that we do have full agency over is making our internal space safe is making our mind safe.
And so (0:25:00) I think that's really important and powerful. I think the other thing you brought up when you gave such a great example of what self-care looks like for you is how you had to, you had to go sort of against the grain of some of your family traditions. Which does not mean that you're saying we should never get together, or I don't like my family, or I'm cutting them off. Because that's certainly not true. But it's saying, you know, if I tune-in in what I need on a Sunday to restore and get ready for the week, it's that I need to be by myself and I need to be at home. And that's, I think so many people probably feel that way and are challenged to sort of set that boundary and prioritize taking care of themselves if they're expected to be present, you know, with their family in this or that way. Because that's what we always do.
Tamitra Clark: That's what we do. That's what we do. Yeah. And so I have, I still, you know, that challenge. I think they're coming around to accepting it more because they're just like, well, we can call her, but she's not going to come. Or, you know, we call her, she may come for a little bit, but sometimes I’m just mom will call and say, would you like me to send you a plate with Tracy? Please do.
Adia Gooden: Oh, that's nice.
Tamitra Clark: Because I don't think I'm going to make it after all. And I've just become okay with that. And that used to bother me, right. Because that took a war like you said. But as I started growing and started to place more value on who I was and who I am and who I need to be, I had to put that boundary there, you know? And that boundary doesn't have a lot of flexibility.
(0:26:48)
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Tamitra Clark: It does, it does. It does allow me to show up in a more powerful way, even when I'm just trying to just blend in, right? When I'm just trying to slide in this the back door or something. The presence of just being there allows me to be many different things to them in any given space. So I can show up and be the clown, which oftentimes takes them by surprise. It's like, oh my God, you're doing that Auntie or Cameron mom, did you just do that? And I'm just like I'm not a total square. I do know how to let my hair down, you know, within reason. And so when I've had a chance to read through and then I do that, they're just always taken aback by that. That's the part that I like though. I'm like they never really know what they're going to get, when they are going to get it and how they are going to get it and I love that part about myself that I’m into any of our atmosphere. My brother used to call me, apologize for my language. He used to call me the black white girl of the family. And so that was like…
Adia Gooden: Oh, I know that. I've been referred to that way too.
Tamitra Clark: And I would always joke and say, you're just mad because I can fit into any conversation (0:30:00), you know, or I can blend into any room. And that used to bother me. I said, that did used to bother me. But now I've learned to embrace that. I've embraced it and I find the strength in it. And I find the value in it that helps prepare me to be in places where I normally would not be invited.
Adia Gooden: Yes. Yes. I love so much about that one that you're saying when you give yourself space to recharge, you can show up fully and authentically with your family. And I think that's really important because so many people worry and feel guilty about taking time for self-care because they think it's taking something away from their family versus taking time for self-care, which actually enables you to add to and contribute and give more effectively. Because we all know what it's like to be irritated around people. Like you know that you need a nap or you need some rest, or you need to be alone and you're just irritated and you got an attitude, you're there. But you got an attitude. I was like is that really helpful to anyone? Like nobody likes that. You don't like it, your family doesn't like it, right. But if you take the time, they may be disappointed. They may throw a tantrum, right. You said they push back at first and they're getting used to it.
Usually there are tantrums and people don't like boundaries, right. But eventually they can see, oh wow, like we're seeing more of her full self. She's less tired when she shows up. She's more engaged. She's even like, you know, making us laugh, right? And so you can see the beauty of that. So I love that. And then, shoot, there was something else that you said that I wanted to say something about, and now it's out of my brain. This is what happens when you're a new mom and you don't get enough sleep. Maybe it'll come back.
Tamitra Clark: So then what's my, what's my excuse then? I'm definitely not a new mom, but I don't get enough sleep. I don't remember nothing.
Adia Gooden: Now I remember. The other thing that I loved was, you talking about fully embracing who you are and how there's this piece about you being a chameleon, being able to fit in different spaces and enter different rooms that you used to maybe feel embarrassed about or you used to be made fun of. And now you see the power in it. And I love that because I think part of the practice of self-acceptance, which is a really important part of your self-worth journey is looking at and embracing even those things that you thought were disadvantages. Those things that people made fun of you for, those things that you wanted to hide, and realizing the power in them, and the fact that that actually makes you unique is this way you can contribute, right. I think about, I sometimes tell the story of being kicked out of a children's choir. It wasn't your choir, you did not kick me a choir. But I was in a choir and it was mostly white. And basically I was not asked back. I was the only one not asked back because the whole time they’re Adia you're too loud. You're too loud, you're too loud. Basically my voice was too bold and black for that space, right. And I wasn't back and I felt bad like that did not feel good. And now it's like my voice is my biggest strength, my loud bold voice is my biggest strength. And so I just think it's so beautiful when we can take the things that somebody may not have appreciated, made fun of us for that we didn't appreciate and find the power in them and use that power for good in our lives.
Tamitra Clark: Oh yeah. You know, we always talk about showing up as our authentic self, right. And so when people hear me say, I consider myself a chameleon so I can show up in any given space and be authentic, and I'm authentic according to what space I'm in. So that does not mean I've lost my sense of self. It just means that my authenticity means that the space that I'm in may require me to be authentic in a different way. And so I give myself that space to be that because it's when I can shift my sense of what it is, what's needed to be authentic, that's when my seat at the table carries the most weight. And I don't have to hide behind that.
Adia Gooden: Yeah. That's big. Because I think most people believe that being authentic means acting the same in every single space that you're in. And what you're saying is that there's a through line of authenticity that shows up or manifests or you sort of live out in different ways depending on the environment, but it doesn't mean that you are not being true to yourself. It's that in this space, I am authentically me in this way. In that space I'm authentically me in that way. And I think that that is such a (0:35:00), I think a liberating concept. I think people will hear it and say, oh, I don't have to say act the same way with my child, with my parent, with my partner, with my boss, but I can have this sense of authenticity that carries me through all of these different spaces even if it looks a little bit different.
Tamitra Clark: Exactly. Exactly. The hat of authenticity has many different shades and colors, which may require me to wear four or five or six of them throughout the course of my day, depending on the interactions that I find myself engaged in throughout that day. And it did bother me at first, but again, a lot of things that used to bother me and used to make me kind of shriek and kind sit back in the room and be quiet, I can now say, no, I have a right. And I give myself permission. I give myself grace to show up in this space. How I need to show up and I'm unapologetic about it. And I can't be responsible for how you perceive it and how you receive it, because I know that I'm giving it with a sincere and pure intention.
Adia Gooden: Yes. Yes. I love that. I mean, I think that's what, you know, being grounded in your self-worth looks like, right. I'm going to show up authentically and unapologetically. I'm going to show up with positive intentions that are aligned with my values. I'm going to have emotional boundaries so I'm not overly concerned with your emotional experience of me, right. Often when we're anxious and we're worried and we struggle with self-worth, what do people think? Oh my gosh, how do I sort of try to control what other people think of you? How other people perceive you and react to you because it feels like they have the power to affirm your worth versus being grounded and affirming your worth for yourself and saying, I'm going to show up as me in the best way I can aligned with my values, and I have to let go of the rest. I cannot control how somebody thinks or sees me or perceives and reacts to me, right. Obviously, I'm not going to go in there cursing a bunch of people out like that will impact people. But if I'm, you know, showing up the best way I know how then how they respond is how they respond. And I'm releasing responsibility for that.
Tamitra Clark: Responsibility. Absolutely. I release my responsibility of that. Yep.
Adia Gooden: Yes. I mean it's just, I think that's such, I think, I think the way you say that will really make it feel more tangible for people of like, oh, this is what it looks like to be grounded in my worth. It's so funny, as you were talking, I was thinking, somebody needs to put this woman on a podcast. Like there's so much wisdom there. I'm like good thing we're on a podcast.
Tamitra Clark: Thank you so much. And To God Be the Glory. Because that's my prayer every day is that I speak life and that I am life and that I can encourage someone, then I can go to bed at night with all the things rolling in my head. But when I sit on a night and write those things that I'm grateful for, because I write every night, every morning and every night.
Adia Gooden: Love that.
Tamitra Clark: And at night it's a reflection of things I'm grateful for. And when I know that I have spoken something to someone, or just in my presence has helped them to get over a hump or something, I can go to sleep and be like, okay, thank you. I can rest. Because there's a difference between sleeping and resting. I can rest.
Adia Gooden: Yes. I love that. Because often when I would work with clients and they'd have trouble sleeping, like we'd go through the sleep hygiene stuff. You know, basics stuff. You know, get to bed on time, make a bedtime, don't be scrolling, don’t do caffeine, you know, like, you know, at 5:00 PM all this stuff, right? But then if we dug deeper, there was often the issue of you don't feel it's okay to rest and if you don't think it's okay to rest, right. There's a few things going on. One is you probably are deriving a sense of worthiness from productivity. And it feels like the way that you're worthy and okay in the world is to always be doing something. And so to let yourself take a break from that is scary and threatening, right. Two, it just, it just, you don't even know how to wind down, right. Your mind is going so much. There's so much anxiety. There's so much pressure. It's like you don't even know how to soothe and calm down and relax.
And so the real work was how do we let you rest? How do we help you to know in your body, in your mind, in your spirit that rest that you deserve rest, you’re worthy of rest, rest is helping you. And I love the practice that you're sharing, which is sort of a gratitude practice and also a reflection of how did I contribute today. And it doesn't have to mean (0:40:00) did I check all the things off my to-do list, but did I make, did I impact someone in a positive way? Whether it's a kind word or a conversation or, you know, doing something small for someone and can I rest in knowing that I sort of did something meaningful for the day? And it doesn't mean you have to do something every day. But that sort of helps with permission to rest.
Tamitra Clark: Absolutely. It does. It does. It does. And so that's what, that's just, that has just become my life's mission. And it's a ministry for me. I know I’m here to be a service. And so that's actually what my goal is by the book, you know. And the book is called When Numb Is Not Enough. And it's ours journeys and it's talking about how do I live my life with intention to honor loss, and how can I help others do that? Because there is a way to continue living through that. Doesn't make the pain go away. How do we embrace the pain and say, okay, I have this pain, but this pain does not have to define who I am cannot perform. So how do I use it to move away myself get to the next level because I know that that's what that loved one would want me to do. And so that's the story that I'm trying to convey in this and sharing things that I use and that I still have to use every day to keep myself moving.
Adia Gooden: I'm so glad you brought up the book because for those listening, the plan was to talk about like grief and coping with grief. But we've got on all these other topics, which I'm like, there's so much to talk about. So I'm so glad that you brought in your book When Numb Is Not Enough. And, you know, a lot of people are dealing with grief and I think a lot of people, there's like the explicit, like a family member passed away or something happened. And then there's also lots of little sort of like grief grieving loss that people deal with. And I think as a culture society, we don't know really how to deal with grief. Like we know how to like make funeral arrangements and have a service. But beyond that, and we know that grief goes well beyond having a service, right, to honor someone's life. I think that people are often in the dark and not sure what am I, is the grief supposed to end when the service ends? And it's like, that's not what happens. And so I'd love if you could share, you know, what are some of those practices that you have or what are some of those things that you encourage people to think about when they're, they're moving through grief?
Tamitra Clark: Well, first of all, I encourage people to give themselves permission. So there's Dr. Alan Wolfelt who has one of the biggest of grief counseling institutes in Colorado. He has a model that he uses that he calls The Mourner's Bill of Rights. And when I looked at that, it was much more to me, I was like, yeah, we may have a right to do this and that, but the right doesn't mean nothing if I don't give myself permission first. Because society has put a choke hold on how we are to grieve and how long we are to grieve. You get three, maybe five days and you need to handle all the business. But then I need you back at work and I need you to work. But I have permission. I got to give myself permission to grieve my own way, how I need to do it, when I need to do, where I need to do, allow my emotions to be what they need to be. Give myself permission to set the emotional boundaries and limits for myself. And so I go in, once we have set up some context of understanding better the difference between grief, mourning, and loss that it starts with a mindset that we deserve these things, those things that we value and then giving ourselves permission.
If we don't give ourselves permission idea, then the work is not going to happen. Because we're closed off to it. So I start with giving myself permission every day to know that if I have a day and I'm not okay, it's okay for me not to be okay today. And I can't apologize for it, I cannot do that anymore. And then I have an exercise where it's called a letter to my loss, and we're going to open that letter with the term of endearment and then we're going to simply talk about in that letter that what we missed the things that we enjoyed. And if there’s little anger and what (0:45:00) what upsets us about that. We are going to close it on a good note, because we are going now going to start to celebrate. And then we have in psychology, you know this, they have one of the theoretical orientations, the chair technique. So I kind of use that in having a conversation now.
So I've written this letter. Because to me, if it comes up, we need to let it come out. And there's something that's so powerful in writing something and looking at the words that you're actually writing on paper and the connection that comes from that. So then after we've done that, I need to have a conversation now with this loss. Be it a loved one. Be it a job I lost. If it's a relationship I lost. If it was a pet that I lost. And so I have those chairs there, and now one is representing the loss and one is the person or the group that we have. And now we're going to read that letter to the loss if you choose to. Or you're going to just come straight from the heart and you're going to confront the loss, gently confront the loss, but give yourself permission to just let it all out and then just kind of sit there and exhale and allow yourself to feel the response that that loss may have to you. And sit with, I have to do that almost every day. I have a picture of my dad in the dining room. That kind freaks me out sometimes because it looks like he's, because we have to cropping, it looks like he's peeking around the corner, like looking at you morning.
Sometimes it's better than I can say, hey, good morning dad, be gone a good day today and going to my kitchen, and sometimes I tell Tracy when you move you’re going to have to take Dexter with you, because it’s freaking me out. I had conversations with my dad and with my brother all the time. I had a conversation with him about this. I was like, I do this because this helps me often and I have to, I spend a lot of time in my car. So I get a lot, I have a lot of time to talk. I have a lot of time doing this. I have a lot of time to ask them, how can I honor you? Am I really doing you all a service by my actions? And so I walk people through that. That's what I live every day. And it's a daily and people ask me, when does the grieving stop? It stops when you have become totally okay in full acceptance that at any given moment you might have a flashback and find yourself right back in position. For me, I say the grief doesn't stop for me. I just learn how to honor, I learn how to honor and go forward with it, so that it doesn't grip on me. And so I hope that people can see and make use of some of the strategies in the book that I offer.
Adia Gooden: Yeah. I mean, it sounds incredibly powerful. Just such an important guide to moving through grief with grace, honoring where you are at any given day. I love this giving yourself permission because there is so many shoulds, I should be over it. I shouldn't feel this way. I shouldn't, you know, and it's like, you will, and one day, and people feel on both sides. One, I should feel sad. I'm have a good day. I feel happy, I feel joyful, but I feel I should feel sad and lost. And it's like, well, you've got to have permission to both feel the grief, feel the sadness, feel the anger, feel the frustration, all of that. And you need permission to feel the happiness, the joy, the release, the gratitude, right. Because it's messy. And it's all mixed up.
Tamitra Clark: It's all mixed up.
Adia Gooden: Exactly. And I love how, you know, guiding people to write this letter, have this conversation really encourages people to identify and then make room for, make space for all of the complexity of the loss. And I think that's such a powerful intervention that people could use. And I know they'll find it so useful when they, when they have your book.
Tamitra Clark: And that's my prayer that, you know, it shows up in a way to where they think and say, oh, this is okay. And that's how I came up with the title. Because at that moment with things coming back to back like that, the emotions were just all tied in together. And I didn't know, people would say, well, are you okay? Well, how are you feeling? And I was just like, I don't know. I don't know. And my response would be if there was another word for numb, that's how I would. Because it just wasn't enough to capture that. And the other thing I'm hoping they will see is that all these emotions within the word emotions is (0:50:00) emotion. And so our emotions are designed to be fluid. They're designed to move. And so I hope that I can take them from that place of being stuck in that emotion to giving themselves permission to let that emotion move. Doesn't mean that it won't come back. But when it comes back, you'll recognize it for what it is and then you won't find yourself stuck in that space so long. Because it will come back around. But now you are going to gang the tools to deal with.
Adia Gooden: Yeah. I love that. I love that. I've never thought about motion being in the word emotion and wanting to let them move, move through you, move with them, sometimes moving helps you process. Oh, I'm going to keep that. That is so good. I mean, I feel like I could talk to you all day.
Tamitra Clark: I know our time is up.
Adia Gooden: I know you have shared so much wisdom. I probably am going to have to have you back on the podcast because it's just like gems everywhere, everywhere. And I am, it's resonating with me. I know that the listeners will find this really powerful and really helpful. And I'm also sure that they're going to want to connect with you. They're going to want to hear more about they can, how they can learn from you and how they can connect with you. So where should we direct people?
Tamitra Clark: Well, one place they can hear more is by joining me on Thursday evenings Pacific Standard Time from 8:00 to 8:30. And then Saturday mornings from 8:00 to 8:30 AM as I'm doing the internet radio show called When Numb Is Not Enough. And so we're talking about grieving, people are emailing me questions about their situations with grief and how to navigate them and nothing does my heart gather than to have that conversation with people. So you can call in. That number is area code 319-527-6090 and you can just call in and it'd be a conference call and it's with Blog Talk Radio hosted by Flashback Academy. You can also email me at dr.clark.rotm@gmail.com. So you can call me 626-399-6784.
Adia Gooden: 626 numbers for life.
Tamitra Clark: For Life. Yes.
Adia Gooden: I may live in Chicago, but I still have Pasadena 66 number.
Tamitra Clark: That's right. That's right.
Adia Gooden: Well, I'm going to make sure to get all of that information so we can link that in the show notes. So check out the show notes, those who are listening so you can find the number to call in for the internet radio show, the name of the internet radio show and the times, and Dr. Tamitra’s email and all of that stuff, so you'll know how to reach out to her. I'm really excited that you have this radio show because the world needs to hear you. I know you are blessing so many people, and so I'm very glad to hear that you are having, you have a platform to get your message out because it certainly is a blessing. And I sincerely appreciate you taking the time to be here with me. It's been a complete joy and I'm grateful for you.
Tamitra Clark: Thank you for having me. And I will be having you as a guest on the radio show, so get ready for that.
Adia Gooden: Happy to do it.
Tamitra Clark: Get ready, get ready, get ready. Thank you so much. I have enjoyed our conversation so much. And I just pray that someone has been blessed by our conversation and the words that were mentioned.
Adia Gooden: Yes. Thank you.
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What does it look like to show up authentically and set boundaries, even while moving through grief? This week, I have a special guest to help break this down for you…
In this episode, I welcome Dr. Tamitra Clark, Psy.D., a Wellness Coach and Grief and Loss Support Specialist. During her own personal journey with grief and loss, Tamitra discovered strategies that have given her a renewed sense of purpose, clarity, and transformation that fuels how she lives life and "shows up in the room". Now, she lives life with intention and authenticity.
Listen in to this rich discussion as we talk about holistic self-care, being unconditionally authentic, setting boundaries, and moving through grief.
“What the mind cannot contain, the body will begin to manifest.”
- Dr. Tamitra Clark
Our minds are built to contain a lot, but there’s a limit. When that limit is reached, our body gives us little signals that we often ignore. A headache, stomach ache, neck pain, a cold… whatever it is, it can be easy to overlook when there’s so many other things to focus on. But when the busyness and noise of the world goes away, what’s going on inside your mind, body, and heart?
If you feel like it’s not okay to rest, you’re probably deriving a sense of worthiness from productivity. I’m here to tell you that you are worthy of rest because rest enables you to recharge, prevent burnout, and do meaningful work when you need to. Rest goes hand in hand with self-care.
There’s a difference between self-care on the surface, like getting your hair done, and holistic self-care that goes deep to really make a change within you. Deep, holistic self-care comes in the form of restorative acts, which often look different for each person. For Tamitra, napping and being present in solitude is her preferred form of deep self-care.
Practicing deep self-care requires not only taking care of the physical space around you, but also the energetic space around you. It requires setting and enforcing boundaries. Family and friends might not understand your boundaries or the ways you practice self-care, but that’s okay. They might adapt and they might not. That’s okay. As you practice setting boundaries and prioritizing rest, you’ll be more able to be your authentic self and better show up for your loved ones. They’ll certainly love that! This goes for anyone at any time, but especially for those moving through grief.
Tips on Moving Through Grief:
It starts with a mindset that you deserve to grieve. Give yourself permission to grieve in whatever way you need to, for however long you need to.
As a society, we don’t know exactly how to deal with grief. Grief looks and feels different for everyone. Allow yourself to set the emotional boundaries and limits for yourself.
Have conversations with loved ones.
Write a “Letter to My Loss”. Open with a term of endearment, then write about what you miss, what you enjoyed, what makes you angry, etc. If it comes up, let it come out. Then, close on a good note.
Grieving stops when you have become totally accepting of the fact that, at any given moment, you might have a flashback and find yourself right back to being in pain again. Focus on acceptance.
Being authentic doesn’t mean acting the same in every space that you’re in. We’re human. We have many layers and personality traits within us. It’s so powerful and liberating when we can embrace the authenticity that carries us through different types of spaces. “The space that I’m in may require me to be authentic in a different way,” Tamitra says, “and so I give myself that space to be that because when I can shift my sense of what’s needed to be authentic, that’s when my seat at the table carries the most weight… and I don’t have to hide behind that.”
That’s what being unconditionally grounded in your self-worth looks like.
About Dr. Tamitra Clark:
Dr. Tamitra Clark earned her Psy.D. in Multicultural Clinical Community Psychology from Alliant International University and a BA in Psychology from California State University Los Angeles. She has served in the Social Services and Mental Health fields for over two decades working with disproportionately serviced populations. As she matured in the field, she realized she could not "BE" to others what she was not "BEING" to herself. She started doing the work to restore wellness in various dimensions of her life, including addressing grief and loss. She discovered strategies that have given her a renewed sense of purpose, being, clarity, and transformation, that fuel how she "shows up in the room" and lives life with intention and purpose. Dr. Tamitra shares these strategies in her Dimensions of Wellness/Grief and Loss workshops. Her personal journey with grief and loss has motivated her to share her experience as well as those of her mother and two sisters in her book, When Numb is Not Enough, which is due to be released in Fall of 2022.
To connect further with Dr. Tamitra Clark:
Visit her websites: https://rotm.la and https://www.drtamitraclark.com
Connect with her on LinkedIn: https://linkedin.com/in/tamitraclark22/
Connect with her on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/tamitra.clark.54
Buy her book, When Numb is Not Enough: https://bit.ly/3V0bUtK
Listen to the When Numb is Not Enough radio show, airing every Thursday evening from 8-8:30pm PST and Saturday mornings from 8-8:30am PST: https://www.blogtalkradio.com/grassroots-talks/2022/02/04/when-numb-is-not-enough
Call in at (319)-527-6090 or email your stories/questions about grief to drclark.rotm@gmail.com.
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This episode was produced by Crys & Tiana.
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