The Power of Authenticity with Moe Ari Brown
— EPISODE 69 —
Click here for the full audio-visual experience!
-
Moe Ari Brown [00:00:00] Showing up authentically. That is the work, is allowing other people to see us and to really receive our journey. Even if it's not that I'm speaking all of my journey, they don't know my whole story, but what they can see and perceive what's meaningful. And I think that was my work. A lot of it has been allowing myself to be seen.
[cheerful music starts]
Dr. Adia Gooden [00:00:26] Welcome to the Unconditionally Worthy Podcast. In this podcast, I will guide you on your journey to connect with the true source of your self-worth. Each week we'll discuss barriers to unconditional self-worth, the connection between self-worth and relationships, self-worth practices you can apply to your life, and how to use self-worth as a foundation for living courageously. I'm your host, Dr. Adia Gooden, a licensed clinical psychologist, dance enthusiast, and a dark chocolate lover who believes deeply that you are worthy unconditionally.
Hello and welcome to another episode of the Unconditionally Worthy Podcast. I'm super excited about having my guests on today. We have been friends since about 2013, and he is just a really wonderful person. Moe comes with a wealth of wisdom from his own life and experience, from doing therapy with hundreds of clients, from being trained as a licensed marriage and family therapist and an energy healer. He's a relationship expert and he identifies as trans. So he's somebody who just has had a lot of life experience and is so thoughtful about drawing from that and sharing about the power of authenticity. And that's really what we get into today, how claiming your authenticity, living in an authentic and aligned way is incredibly powerful and empowering. And so if you are feeling like you want to be more authentic and you're not sure how to get there, or you're scared about what the implications that might have for your life, this episode is going to be incredibly inspiring. If you're looking for some more encouragement to be your full authentic self, be sure to listen to this full episode. Follow us, let us know what you think. Send us a DM on Instagram. I know you're going to really love this episode just as much as I love having the conversation, let's get into it.
[cheerful music ends]
I am so excited to welcome my friend Moe Ari on the podcast today. Moe is a licensed marriage and family therapist with almost a decade of experience helping people find alignment in their lives. Assigned female at birth, Moe Ari uses his own gender transition story to help many others discover their authentic voice and navigate the difficult journey of alignment. As a therapist, energy healing practitioner and lover of all people, Moe shares his journey towards authenticity to help others learn to live in celebration of life's diversity and hopes that it will help all of us to move closer to oneness. I love this. I am so excited to welcome you to the podcast, Moe. Moe and I first met when he was in graduate school getting his Master's of Marriage and Family Therapy, and I was doing a post-doctoral fellowship and we just kind of connected.
I'm not even totally sure how it happened. Maybe you remember it more clearly, but we connected. I feel like you, Moe were like, you're going to be my friend. And I was like, okay. And then we just started hanging out and getting together and talking about life and relationships and navigating all of that stuff. And so since then we now have both gotten married, have both had kids, have both gone into independent practice and building our own businesses and being entrepreneurs. And so, so much has happened since what was at 2013, 2015, when we first kind of met and became acquainted. And I'm so thrilled to have you on the podcast to share your wealth of wisdom and insights and to just reconnect with you because you're an amazing human. So welcome to the podcast.
Moe Ari Brown [00:04:29] Well, thank you. I really appreciate that. That is such a beautiful introduction. Hearing that bio from you just felt very special. And I totally remember when we met, I definitely think it was a moment of me being like, I am going to be friends with her. There are not that many Black people here. You already know who you are, which is beautiful, but you're just a very open, warm, welcoming soul that let me cry on your couch so often. And it didn't feel like you were being my therapist, but it felt like therapy to have friendship and relationship with someone who is that open. I think that that was a first for me. So grad school was really a time that definitely changed my life and you were a big part of it, so I am just honored to be here.
Dr. Adia Gooden [00:05:21] Thank you. I appreciate that. You know what, I also just remembered another memory is when I was preparing for my TEDx talk and a lot of people who listened to this podcast found me through that and had a bunch of friends over to help me prepare and practice and give me feedback and Moe and his twin sister were two of the people who came to share in that process and support me. And that has definitely been a big thing in my life. Thank you for that. And it just popped in my head that's another touchpoint or something that was really big in my life that you showed up and supported me in.
Moe Ari Brown [00:05:58] Aww. Yay. I remember that being so inspiring. I was like, I want to be like her when I grow up. One of these days I'm going to have that kind of experience.
Dr. Adia Gooden [00:06:07] I hope you do.
Moe Ari Brown [00:06:11] We'll keep talking about it.
Dr. Adia Gooden [00:06:12] You need to have a TED talk, so yeah.
Moe Ari Brown [00:06:14] Okay.
Dr. Adia Gooden [00:06:20] Let me know when that's going to happen and I'll support you
Moe Ari Brown [00:06:20] Absolutely.
Dr. Adia Gooden [00:06:21] Okay, let's get into it. I start all of my podcast conversations with guests asking you to share about your own self-worth journey. I'm hoping that we can start there with you talking about your self-worth journey and kind of how you think about that for yourself.
Moe Ari Brown [00:06:41] It's a big question, but I love it. I really have thought a lot about this, especially because this is such an anchor in your show. But I think my journey, I have to say I always start with where I came from, of course honoring that I've probably lived many lifetimes, but in this lifetime. Where I started was the youngest of six siblings. I was born to parents who had survived some really challenging circumstances. And with the knowledge they had, whether it was limited or expansive, they really were working hard to try and give us something different than what they had. I had a lot of reverence for that and I think I spent majority of my childhood, college years really wanting to achieve something that they would be proud of. When I think about my self-worth journey, I think it started there.
So achievement definitely was something that was really tied to my self-value, my personal value, how I saw myself. And then being an identical twin was so much a part of how I saw myself. So belonging to something. I'm often thinking of life in these very three, I'm summing up life in these three terms. So belonging, authenticity, love, because those felt like they were such a big part of my journey, that belonging to something felt it was so important as the youngest of a family feeling everybody had their time before me and I'm trying to catch up or being a twin, my identity was just so wrapped up in other people. This external validation, do you see me? Am I good enough? Are you proud of me? Am I like you enough? Relating to my sister. And it wasn't until grad school I would say that I started to really break free from a lot of that, where I was starting to find my own way, do some things that were different.
First getting into the relationship with my now wife Tiffany was a big turning point because I never had that courage before to do something that people didn't expect from me. I was doing everything people expected so that I could keep getting that validation and it was making me feel good until it wasn't. Hard stop in grad school. Once I started dating Tiffany and I realized I could do something that would make them not be happy. And it made me angry. I think my response was this real upset. I don't even remember what our conversations were like. I just remember always having just so much to pour out. And it was so cathartic, those conversations. And I remember some of them being about just my identity and really this recognition that I was different. What am I going to do about it? What was the past 20 something years? I think that those are the foundations of my self worth journey. That doesn't really tell you how I got beyond that. But the beginning of that was this real recognition moment that started to happen in grad school.
Dr. Adia Gooden [00:09:55] Well, I think it's really powerful that you're identifying these themes that were important for you. The belonging, the authenticity, the love, right? And how it played out. And I love that you're also honest about, it felt good to do what other people wanted me to do and get affirmed from that. Right? That felt good until I reached a point where it was like, Ooh, this doesn't feel good anymore. And then it's like -
Moe Ari Brown [00:10:19] Absolutely.
Dr. Adia Gooden [00:10:20] I think often people reach a point of like, how bad does it feel to be out of authenticity and when do you reach the point that it feels worse to be out of alignment with yourself for the approval of others. Right? Versus feeling worse, being in alignment and knowing that other people don't approve. It’s like, which one feels worse and what's the tipping point? And I think it sounds for you a big piece was, one, being in graduate school and you're forced into self-reflection and you are in a marriage and family therapy program. So it's systems, family dynamics, relationship. Right? You're forced to look at it in a way that you just don't normally.
Moe Ari Brown [00:11:05] Absolutely.
Dr. Adia Gooden [00:11:06] And then too, falling in love, right? And falling in a love in an unexpected way and having to grapple with that and being like, but this feels so good and this feels so aligned, so how could it be wrong even if people in my family don't get it? You know what I mean? And so I appreciate you sharing that because it's so much more nuanced I think, than a lot of people think it is on the outside.
Moe Ari Brown [00:11:31] I think you're hitting the nail on the head. I think when you tapped into that love piece, because I was thinking, okay, well then what was the third part of this, if it's not belonging, authenticity, we talked about that then how does love fit in here? And I think prior to this moment where I'm realizing I'm in love with Tiffany and I'm sharing love, I'm creating love with Tiffany, I really was thinking that love was one outside of me, that it was going to be bestowed upon me by my family and other people in relationship with me. And I was also trying to do everything I could to get love, but I wasn't intentionally creating it. And so it's almost a revelation of the heart to be now creating love with someone in this very different way. She accepts me unconditionally and it kind of blew my mind. I was like, this is love. I'm in pursuit of this. I want authenticity and belonging and love all in one.
I do not want to have to sacrifice one for the other anymore. And I'm not doing it, because before I was trading authenticity to get love or to have belonging and acceptance. And I was really living in a scarcity or duality between one of the other, always feeling I had to sacrifice one. And I think that moment was just really pivotal. Like, I could have all of it. I'm going to keep creating all of it. And it's interesting that even our relationship and how it formed the two of us, I would not have been, I was shy. I would've considered myself shy or less likely to make a new friend. So it's just very synchronous that we even connected or that I was even open. I feel it was something about that time in my life as well like you're saying grad school as well.
Dr. Adia Gooden [00:13:27] I love that you're saying creating love. Right? Because I think we have a lot of phrases that we use around love, falling in love, getting love, earning love that are all very passive. I recently was at Semicolon Bookstore in Chicago, which is a Black female owned bookstore, and it moved basically to my neighborhood, which is so cool. And they had this Tony Morrison quote. I'm like, Tony Morrison's my favorite. I'm trying to find the quote. And it said, “Don't ever think I fell for you or fell over you. I didn't fall in love. I rose in it. I saw you and made up my mind.” And it's just so powerful, right? It is like choosing, and I feel part of what you're speaking to is one, this space that Tiffany offered you, right? To be fully yourself to say, no, you don't have to, you can have authenticity, belonging, and love all in one place.
And it was a paradigm shift and it opened up this thing and then you said, you know what? I want to create this. Right? Not just, she's giving this to me and I'm just a passive recipient of her love. Certainly I'm sure she offered you lots of love, but I want to create this loving space for me and for her together, and I want to keep creating it. And I think that's powerful. And I also think in terms of our friendship, you were so willing to be vulnerable. And I think we just started in this vulnerable sharing, both of us sharing. I think that's why I didn't feel like therapy, because both of us were sharing relationship challenges and this and that and figuring it out. And we're at slightly different life stages. I'm a little bit older for those listening. Right? But it was just like, we're going to create a vulnerable, authentic space. Right? That we can just show up and be ourselves and all is welcome here. And that was really powerful and unfortunately unusual.
Moe Ari Brown [00:15:35 Yeah. Right. That is unfortunate. I think it was definitely a newness to that. This is all a part of this pivotal moment that's happening. Relationships with other therapists and people who are surrounding these issues, this generational trauma, this lack of vulnerability, all the things that happen in culture that just continue to transpire if we don't do something to change it. We're all rallied around that. And so it's certainly had me looking at my life in just more nuanced ways in welcoming new opportunities to create something different. I think it woke me up to my ability, it was one of the first run-ins I had with my own creative power, the ability to create my life. I think the light bulb fully has turned on now in the past three years. But I got a taste of it then. And it's like, this is a glimpse of what my life can be when I'm really allowing community to reflect the things that I really value, like authenticity, like people who actually cultivate belonging and people who give love freely. This is what I envision the world to be like when it's as it should be.
Dr. Adia Gooden [00:16:55] I love that. So you alluded twice now to, I'm telling you the beginning of the story and then there was something that happened and now I'm on the other side. So I'd love for you to fill us in, right? And if you're willing to share, to talk about how your gender transition played into feelings of worthiness, belonging, authenticity, love, and what that journey and that part of your life story has been like.
Moe Ari Brown [00:17:25] Absolutely. I'm so open or I'm hoping to be, if I'm not open, you have to pull my chain and be like, I want a little bit more. I want to give as much as possible to this. So grad school, there's that pivotal shift. And this is about 2015 when I graduate from grad school and I started doing therapy. And at this time I already know that I identify as LGBTQ plus, I've cut my hair, which is the first thing that I did that was different from my sister in my entire life. It was this big moment where I was recognizing, one, this feels good. I thought that with my hair short, being a Black femme person and having long hair, that was so connected to my identity for the longest time.
I thought once I cut my hair that I was going to feel bad. But when it felt like euphoria, I was like, this is again that feeling. And I created this. I decided, I chose and it worked out. So I was like, okay, where else can I keep doing this? What else can I keep rising to, referencing this Tony Morrison quote. I think that hair cutting moment was a big moment for me because, okay, again, it's the first time I've done anything different than my sister. She continues to love me, which is beautiful. Even if she had challenges with us not looking alike. Okay. And then I just was like, but there's something else happening here. There is this recognition that if this is euphoria for me, this other stuff was not authentic or at least it was no longer authentic, even if it was at some point.
And so then I set on this journey of trying to figure out, okay, where else am I misaligned? I think at the time I was feeling nothing in my life represented what I really wanted it to. And I felt lost. I was trying to go to more achievements. I remember at the time talking to you and having a conversation, like, I want to go to med school because I always wanted to be a doctor and I didn't do that. And it was really like, I didn't get into doctoral programs at the end of grad school. And I like always wanted to be a doctor, but it was because I always wanted to write. I always wanted to do academic things. And now I've got so many opportunities to do stuff like that, but-
Dr. Adia Gooden [00:19:42] Without the…
Moe Ari Brown [00:19:47] Yeah. I was trying to fill up this void. I was starting to feel stuff isn't aligned. So I was trying to go to the things I always go to. So if it's not my appearance and my identity, then let's go with achievement. That did not work. I did do a little wafting back and forth before I figured it out. Somewhere when -
Dr. Adia Gooden [00:20:04] I trying to say, I remember being like-
Moe Ari Brown [00:20:07] Remember you being like…
Dr. Adia Gooden [00:20:08] Of course you can. Right? There's no question about your ability to do a PhD or to do med. Med school, I was really like, oh. But, it's not my choice. And I just want to say you don't have to do that. That is not the only path and journey for you to take. This is my outside perspective, but I think it was probably a blessing that you didn't get into programs at the end of graduate school. Right? Because I know that route, right? For proving self worth and it don't work either. But you spend a lot of time and so I feel that's such an example of sometimes the roadblocks are the blessing. Sometimes the things that divert your path are the blessing, and they don't feel that way in the moment. They can feel like failure. They can feel like things are blocked. They can feel like this is what I needed when I wanted and I'm not getting it and what's wrong with me. But it's really actually like, shoot, maybe this is making me reexamine what I actually want and whether I need that path to get there.
Moe Ari Brown [00:21:19] Mm-hmm. Yeah. I didn't have that clarity then, you were trying to tell me then you really were. I remember the conversation vividly because I think you really did help me to really reconsider it. I was like, I guess I don't really want to do this. I did not apply. I was like, let's redirect. But the thing was, I kept going to what I traditionally knew could make me feel authentic. And then ultimately I realized I make myself feel.
Dr. Adia Gooden [00:21:46] Yes.
Moe Ari Brown [00:21:47] I choose, I decide nothing else can grant self-worth or accomplishment to me. Just I have to live from this passion. And around 2017, beginning to, one, change my legal name, have top surgery, start hormones and all of that whirlwind of going to group therapy for around gender, all of that helped me to begin to own that this was the void that I was feeling.
It started with group therapy. And I always knew since I was really young, I really didn't want to have breasts. I was mad when they were growing. Like, let's just not even do that. I remember crying a lot. I always knew that that was something I wanted to do, but the gender piece was like, I think this is something that's coming to my awareness. Let me figure that out. So going to group therapy, it was not long before I was like, yeah, this is me. Too many people's stories are aligned with mine. I just had no name for what it was to be transgender or else I would've said it when I was 15, I had no words for that, but just that I wanted to wear boys clothes or that I wanted to not have breasts and different things like that.
And that recognition I think was just a major shift. And so then the journey became, okay, how can I live in this authentically with all of this threat to belonging kind of happening in the external space. So if transgender people are not accepted in society, how can I still show up authentically? How can I get through this? So I started considering what I wanted to do was not just authenticity. I started calling it radical authenticity. How can I show up even if there is this threat to belonging? Because there were moments where I was sitting with other clients who were transgender, and they're like, well people don't accept me. So, I guess I need to hide. And of course, as a therapist, it breaks your heart sitting with people thinking about not being their full selves or dimming their lights in order to fit in.
And because I had to not just talk the talk, I had to walk the walk, that's kind of pushed me over into really owning it in my own life. I'm like, I can't sit with people every day and tell them to show up fully if I'm going to hide. And I think clients were a blessing for me because I had people to be accountable to. I had people to whom it mattered if I showed up as me. They noticed every single thing about me as it was changing, whether it was growing facial hair or now I'm getting emotional thinking about it. I love these people, these humans. Just like they were so supportive when I was coming back from top surgery and just any change, when I was going through IVF with my partner, my clients were extremely celebratory. And it just mattered to them in this way where I was able to recognize this part of myself that had been longing to be celebrated by myself for longing to allow myself to be seen. And I was like, this matters. So I just connected so deeply with the work during this particular time, especially when I was in the throes of appearing more gender queer because that was community. I didn't think my clients were going to be my community. They were. And I'm just grateful for the work at that time.
[cheerful music starts]
Dr. Adia Gooden [00:25:27] Are you an ambitious professional woman who is tired of feeling overworked and underappreciated, ready to believe in your worth and to reclaim your power? If you answered yes. I want to invite you to apply, to join the next cohort of the Unconditionally Worthy Group Coaching Program. This program will save you thousands of hours and dollars spent in therapy by guiding you on a clear path to heal past trauma, connect to your inner wisdom and reclaim your power so you can stop overworking and start succeeding with ease while creating a life filled with joy and peace. Apply now and I will personally review your application and invite you to a self-worth consultation call with me if it seems like you're a good fit for the program. Applications close on February 16th or when the limited number of spots are filled. So be sure to apply now before it's too late. Go to unconditionallyworthy.com/program to learn more and apply.
[cheerful music ends]
Can't wait to see your application. I love that so much. It brings tears to my eyes because I think there's a number of reasons, but I think part of what you're saying is you were giving yourself permission to be your full authentic self and express that was giving your clients permission to also do that. Showing that courage of walking in your authentic self, even with the challenges and the risks was giving your clients courage and hope that they could also do the same thing. And then I also love how you're bringing in the mutuality of the relationship that you had with your clients. Because I think in the western paradigm of traditional psychotherapy, it's very-
Moe Ari Brown [00:27:14] Yes.
Dr. Adia Gooden [00:27:15] Therapist is the authority, the therapist is boundaried and cut off from the client. The therapist is the helper, the fixer, the saver, and the client is receiving the help, the healing, the whatever. And I think that what you're showing and what you're talking about is no, this is a relationship, right? And like, yes, there are different dynamics and different roles, but it's not one-sided. And no, you weren't going in then being like, let me tell you everything that happened to me today. Right? It was the client's space. You were protecting that and that you could still have this mutual connection that's so beautiful. And I think this is one of the powers of group therapy, which you mentioned, or group coaching, which I do, is it's powerful for people to tap into their own wisdom and share that with others, right? So just even your clients being able to be like, I see you, that is affirming for them, right? That they're not broken and can't give anything. But even while they're focused on their healing, they can still offer things and connect in this really beautiful way. I just love that you shared that.
Moe Ari Brown [00:28:30] Absolutely. Yeah. Wow. I appreciate you putting it into those words. And that feels it fully captures that experience of showing up authentically. That is the work is allowing other people to see us and to really receive our journey. Even if it's not that I'm speaking all of my journey, they don't know my whole story, but what they can see and perceive what's meaningful. I think that was my work. A lot of it has been allowing myself to be seen. I think it's new levels. Every week there's something different, especially with regard to some of the platforms I'm on now. I didn't think that my authenticity is going to get me this far. And then so it's another challenge to share myself. Even being on podcasts, it's like, okay, now this message is going to reach even more people.
And so there were different levels, but now I feel so open and not here for validation. I just feel here and present because I want to share love. And I think that there is like, okay, yes, I feel I've tapped into that love aspect even more now. I'm not here for validation. I feel more confident. I know who I am and I know that I'm choosing who I am. And I think that that journey was almost like I tore down all of what I thought I was, or who I thought I was to get to this place where it's like, now I decided and I chose, I picked my name. So quite literally, I chose who I am and I get to be here now in the space of real acceptance of myself. I think that that's what it feels like.
Dr. Adia Gooden [00:30:22] There's so much power in that. There's so much power in choosing, in deciding who you are and who you want to be and how you want to show up in the world regardless of what other people think, right? There's so much power. And I'd love for you to just talk a little bit more about that, this connection between power and authenticity, right? I think a lot of people shy away from authenticity because it feels too risky, because it feels vulnerable. And people associate vulnerability with weakness, with other people are going to have power over me. I'm going to miss out. I'm going to lose out. And I hear part of what you're saying, which is the more authentic I am, the more power I gain, the more opportunities I have, the more things that flow to me. Right? Because I am standing in my power and authenticity and Yeah. Maybe some things pass you over, right? You didn't get into grad school, but thank goodness, because you wouldn't be doing all of this. Right? And so it's like, wow. Can you just talk about that connection, the power and authenticity that you see for your own life, you see for your clients and how you think about it in general?
Moe Ari Brown [00:31:35] Yeah. Yes. I love your way to put things into words. I just feel that it presents me quite a challenge, I think, to put into words this particular experience. But I will definitely try, I think at the core of a lot of my work around authenticity has been coming to this understanding that when I am hiding from other people or hiding parts of myself, I'm not offering wholeness. And that wholeness is really, really important to connection and ultimately oneness. If I want to be connected or tapped in to what really joins all of us, then I really have to show up fully. I can't receive unconditional love if I don't allow people to love me. And that all of me. It's really been what we've been talking about here so far around ownership, around my ability to create the life that I want to live.
If I want to be connected, if I want to be tapped in, if I want belonging, if I want authenticity in all of my relationships, then I own that. I have to show up and create that. And authenticity really offers us this opportunity to be witnessed fully, to actually fully embody every single emotion that we are experiencing. I think of every single time I was in moments, especially when I was gender queer, where I was uncomfortable going into a bathroom. And I was like, I don't know if I should be here acting really uncomfortable. And then I think about the times now where I'm in there and I'm taking selfies and I'm lingering and I'm looking at people in the eye and people are like, what up bro? And it's a totally different experience. I have the same experiences at the gym and I was like, nothing changed but me. These are still strangers,
But my level of embodiment is different. So my reality and my experiences in life are different. I'm not feeling depressed. I was extremely depressed in things in grad school. But my experience of my life has shifted so much because I feel so in charge of it. I feel when things happen to me that are challenging, that they don't make or break my day. One, I find that challenges are opportunities for us to grow. There are always these sacred lessons and opportunities coming to us. I have these reframes that happen now, but then authenticity has also offered me the perspective that I just decide how my day is going to go. So even if I got into some difficulty this morning, that doesn't mean that we are going to have to have a bad conversation. I think always being in that seat of ownership now has shifted my life dramatically, even down to what you were saying earlier, so powerful. And I have examples of that happening right now. That things just flow to you. You don't have to work as hard or do, do, do, do, do. You get to just be, and things just you attract, it's not inactive. The doing is very strategic. You show up authentically, that's your work. If you do that, then things will come.
Dr. Adia Gooden [00:34:57] Yes.
Moe Ari Brown [00:34:58] And I've been just so grateful to see that play out in so many different ways.
Dr. Adia Gooden [00:35:02] There's just so much about that I love. I think it's really about moving out of victimhood, right? We can create a victim narrative for our lives in so many ways. Right? In so many like, this happened to me. They did that to me. They didn't let me, they didn't like me. And it's victim, victim, victim, victim. When we are embodying or identifying as a victim, we lose our power because what we are saying is they have the power over me to determine how my life goes. Right?
Moe Ari Brown [00:35:50] Absolutely.
Dr. Adia Gooden [00:35:51] yes, people can do things that impact us. That is true. Right? We're not going through the world with nobody and nothing can affect us. And what you're talking about is to be empowered to decide and to choose and to have agency over what you can control in your life, which doesn't mean over control because you're also saying, I show up authentically.
I do what I need to do, I be the way I need to be. And then the universe, whatever, God, whatever you believe brings the rest. Right? It shows up without force and force. You know what I mean? This intensity. And I also love what you said about creating belonging. Because that was a thing I struggled with and I still from time to time can fall into this feeling left out. This is a big thing in my life. Feeling left out. Feeling on the outside. And I think for a long time it was, people aren't including me, people aren't inviting me. Right? And it's like, just reach out. It's now just reach out, Just text, just call. And it's like, oh no, they're not excluding you. They're not.
And so it's this place of empowerment that can feel scary in part because it also requires responsibility, right? Not blame. Not, I'm awful and it was all my fault. But okay, this is what I'm responsible for, is texting people or reaching out or doing this. And you get so much power. You move through the world powerfully when you own your authenticity. When you're moving in this space, instead of life is happening to me, I'm a victim. I'm at the effect of, woe is me. I can't do anything to change it.
Moe Ari Brown [00:37:46] Absolutely. Absolutely. Absolutely. And I think I see the ripple effects of all of that in all of my relationships. Even thinking about my wife now, it's different when you're first starting to date. And all of it is intense and passionate and all of the things, all of the time. And then being married for I think four years on the 3rd of November, we're like, it's so much everything has to be intentional. When we look at connection and we haven't connected, I'll find myself having moments where I'm like, she has not shown me affection. And then that other voice now kicks in and it's like, okay, how are you creating connection? I need you to go and do something to foster that. And without fail if I show up with flowers, I'm getting what I'm desiring.
And I think that that has been such a powerful mindset shift to notice the impact of our creative potential in all of our relationships and that responsibility to ourselves first, then that responsibility to others. I think if we can all as people really lean into that, our ownership and that responsibility in a new way, not burdensome, you're right, you were saying, it's not a burden but the responsibility to ourselves and this ownership, and I think it would change how we see relationship with others and our ability to be authentic. You're like, yes.
Dr. Adia Gooden [00:39:25] I really hope people are hearing you because if you were in a relation, if you're listening, you in a romantic relationship, if you're in a friendship, if you want to be in one, Moe is a relationship expert, right? I have done years of couple say like, this is gold what Moe is saying. Right? Because so often we enter into our relationships in a passive way. We're like, why don't they know that I need them to A, B, C, X, Y, Z. And then there's often another layer, which is, well, I don't want to tell them because if I tell them and then they do it, then it doesn't count. Right? Like, woo, that's a setup. Like, so if you tell your partner that you want him or her, they, them to bring you flowers, and then they say, oh, great, I'm so glad I knew Let me bring you flowers.
And you said, well, I had to tell you. I'm like, oh lord. Right? Because we created this narrative and it's like you need to be a passive princess. Often it's gendered and I think people of all genders have this passiveness in relationships too. I don't think it's only folks who are female identified, but it's like, I need to be a passive princess who other people dot on. And if they really loved me, then they would know exactly what I want and need, and they would do that. And if they don't know exactly what I want and need, then it means they really don't love me and they don't care. And I think that there's an intersection with this and authenticity, both in terms of the getting out of victimhood and the creation, which is like, well, what am I doing to promote connection and love and affection in the relationship? Because often what people do is they say, you never bring me flowers.
Moe Ari Brown [00:41:20] Yes.
Dr. Adia Gooden [00:41:21] Which is very different. Which is going to get a, I brought you flowers a month ago versus, hey, I really feel so special when you bring flowers. It really just makes me feel connected. It makes me feel you've thought about me. And I'd love to have that happen more often, which would then should probably get an okay, thanks for letting me know. I'll keep that in mind. Yeah. But so we expect to be doted on. So that's one piece. But I think the other piece I wanted to touch on is, when we don't know what we want ourselves, when we are not in alignment and authentic within ourselves, then we can't articulate what we want our partners or friends to do. And then we get mad that they can't guess. But the truth is we would have a hard time articulating it anyway. And so the authenticity piece, becoming authentic, acknowledging our feelings, acknowledging our emotions like you were describing for yourself. Acknowledging like, I want my hair short. I want to dress like this. That actually enables us to then, one, offer ourselves the space to be authentic, the space to love ourselves the way we want to be loved. And then two, articulate it to the people who we want to love us, who hopefully want to love us and will do really well by us when they know what we need and we want.
Moe Ari Brown [00:42:34] Absolutely. 100000%, if that's a percent, I think at times infinity. You're just making me think so much about how this journey of authenticity for me hasn't just been about showing up authentically. Everybody see I'm transgender, everybody see these external identities. It's also a bit about speaking the truth. I think authenticity, we don't always put truth and authenticity in the same conversation. But that's been this chapter of my life and my journey that's unfolding, is not just about showing up as me. But it's also about the things that I say and whether or not those things are also aligned with my values, the world and the life that I'm trying to create. I've done a lot of things that don't require me to speak so far. I can write some stuff, I can show up on social media. I can go to presentations and offer my advice, the things that I've prepped and written. But this speaking from truth is so much a part of this authentic process. So even if it's speaking your truth to your partner, and if the core of that is that you are grateful for flowers, then say that, don't say you haven't brought me, that's not the truth. It's really that at the core of it's that you're grateful for flowers and you're like, yeah. And so this-
Dr. Adia Gooden [00:44:03] Right? And the core also might be, I feel disconnected and scared that you're not bringing me flowers, and I worry what that means about our relationship, which is also very different than, you don't bring me flowers no more.
Moe Ari Brown [00:44:18] Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Yeah. It didn't get all the way down to what it actually is. And so, right. It could be a myriad of things, but if we are able to take the conversation from that surface level and how it comes out and the judgments associated with that, then we are getting closer to truth. And I think this has been the next part of my journey of authenticity, but also self worth. Because I don't always, or I haven't always operated the things that I say matter. So even if I don't text you for your birthday, for instance, you specifically, if I don't text you for your birthday, I could have been thinking some of those years, it's not going to matter, Adia got so many friends undervaluing whether or not that matters to you that I text you.
And so that is not me operating from authenticity or full truth. Because I'm blind to it in so many ways because of this lack of, this feeling that I'm maybe not worthy to show up in certain relationships or spaces fully. But that all has to do with me and how I'm thinking, that it's not going to matter to someone or I'm not going to matter because I've operated from that for so long. So even if I'm showing up in the professional space, like, hey, I'm Moe, in my professional life, I have some learning to do around my speaking, speaking the truth, which is often that I love so many people and I just don’t know how to be vulnerable. This is the next part of the journey, or I'm relearning how. Thank you for pulling that because I was like, that's very aligned with where I am now. Stepping out of victimhood and sharing my truth.
Dr. Adia Gooden [00:46:03]: Those are powerful things, right? And I really hope those of you who are listening will take those away. If you find yourself creating a story of it's happening to me, how do you step out of that and into your power? What do you have agency over? What do you have the power to do? We always have more choices than we think we do. What choice can you make? And then this truth and believing that your truth is worth hearing. Right? That's what you're saying. It's one, acknowledging your truth is a big part of authenticity and then speaking it and sharing it and putting it out in the world. And I think we shy away from that because it feels vulnerable, right? Like, what if somebody says, I don't like your truth, or I don't like you because of your truth. And that's where we come back to like, if I like me, if I have people who I know love and like me, that's enough.
And I don't need everybody to like me, because guess what? Everybody's not going to like you just not going to happen. And if everybody likes you, you may be vanilla, but nobody loves you. Some people love vanilla, but hopefully people get my point, right? The reason people love and get excited about people is because they are their authentic selves, not because they're trying to blend in to the wall. And so I hope that people will hear this is a powerful path, a powerful journey, and I really believe that people will be inspired by you, Moe and all the things you're sharing about your journey and even your honesty and authenticity about like, it's still evolving, right? I've come this far and it's an ongoing evolution, which it is for all of us. So thank you for sharing that.
Moe Ari Brown [00:47:42] Yeah, absolutely. I love, again, how you're phrasing that, it just made me think just getting to this thought of power and authenticity, how much authenticity is a spark that grows into a small fire and then it spreads and then it becomes this huge event. And it's not destructive. It only takes in its path what no longer is serving everything and then it's leaves room for something new to grow, something new to emerge inside of everyone that it reaches. I just can’t think of how powerful that was to go through that destruction process or that breaking down in order to really emerge new. I don't see myself quite like a phoenix, not in a self-serving way anyway, but just in the sense that I surrendered to this process and allowed for something new to emerge. But I think that when you're talking about feeling like a victim, that's often where that's coming from. It's like we're seeing the destruction happening, but we're not seeing what the potential is for what potentially might take its place.
Dr. Adia Gooden [00:49:00]: Mm-Hmm. Right? We see the loss, but we're not seeing the opportunity for gain, for growth, for evolution, for all of those things. And sometimes you can't see it in the moment and that's okay. You can hold in the space of I don't know, of I feel lost, of I feel scared, of I feel challenged. Right? And you can hold in that space still without being the victim and just try to hold onto the faith and trust that it will change and evolve and eventually you will come through it and be able to see the opportunity, the evolution, all of those things. I know that people are going to want to connect you further and I know you're also sharing your wisdom in a bunch of different places. So please tell people how and where they can find you and follow you so they can just get more of the goodness that you're putting out in the world.
Moe Ari Brown [00:49:51] Yes, absolutely. Thank you so much. So many places. Where do I start? Okay, first you can download the Mine'd app, that's M-I-N-E-D. The Mine'd app is an emotional wellness platform and I'm there along with some other experts, people you've had on your podcast already like, Dr. Alexander Solomon.
Dr. Adia Gooden [00:50:14] Yeah, Alexandra Solomon. I know is on there.
Moe Ari Brown [00:50:16] Yeah, absolutely. And so then we offer just regular advice. So if you want to follow me there, that's a great place. Also my wife and I started a podcast, #LoveGoals Podcast. The whole premise for the podcast is learning how to be your own love goals. So we're not modeling our relationships after anyone else but ourselves. And now we just approach love from an intentional way then at Love Out Proud on the Instagram or my website at theemoeari.com. I think those are the best ways, but I'm always looking to connect and I'm just grateful for any opportunity to learn from someone else. So definitely feel free to reach out to me.
Dr. Adia Gooden [00:50:55] Awesome. Thank you again. It's been an honor and a joy to have you on the podcast and to connect and just be in conversation with you and hearing your wisdom, so I really appreciate you taking the time.
Moe Ari Brown [00:51:08] Yes, thank you for having me. It's always good to connect with you too.
[cheerful music starts]
Dr. Adia Gooden [00:51:16] Thanks for joining me this week on the Unconditionally Worthy Podcast. Make sure to visit my website, dradiagooden.com and subscribe to the show on iTunes so you'll never miss an episode. You can also follow me on social media at Dr. Adia Gooden. If you loved the show, please leave a review on iTunes so we can continue to bring you amazing episodes. Lastly, if you found this episode helpful and know someone who might benefit from hearing it, please share it. Thanks for listening and see you next episode.
[cheerful music ends]
This episode was produced by Crys & Tiana and the music is by Wataboi.
Cali by Wataboi https://soundcloud.com/wataboi
Creative Commons — Attribution 3.0 Unported — CC BY-SA 3.0
Music promoted by FDL Music https://youtu.be/ZdQI7WQWi_g
Who is your authentic self? Are you aligned with them? Loaded questions, I know, but let’s dive into them because I have a feeling you might find something you’ve been looking for…
In this episode, I welcome Moe Ari Brown, a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with almost a decade of experience helping people find alignment in their lives. Moe is also transgender and uses his own gender transition story to help others discover their authentic voice and navigate the difficult journey of alignment.
Listen in as Moe and I talk about how powerful it is to claim your authenticity and live an authentic, aligned life. We discuss tips and advice on how you can find and embrace your authentic self, along with tips on how to be more authentic in your relationships and friendships. Moe also shares a bit about his journey with self-worth as an identical twin, the youngest of six children, a (former) grad student, and a trans man.
If you’re feeling like you want to be more authentic but you’re not sure how to get there or you’re scared of how it might impact your life, this episode is for you. This discussion is full of encouragement, sage advice, and insight into how to find and fully embrace your authentic self.
“This is a glimpse of what my life can be like…”
The moment Moe cut his long hair, he felt a euphoria and authenticity that he’s never felt before… except he felt lost and misaligned. So, he went on a journey to figure out where else he was misaligned and how he could begin to align with his most authentic self. Using his usual strategies of achievement and changing his appearance, Moe was trying to fill the void. With those traditional strategies not working, he began to focus on things like changing his legal name, starting hormone therapy, getting top surgery, and going to group therapy focused on gender. “All of that helped me to begin to own that this was the void that I was feeling,” Moe says.
Ultimately, the journey became one of figuring out how to live authentically in a society where there’s so much threat to belonging for people like him. So, he started pursuing radical authenticity.
Think about it… How can you show up as yourself even when your authenticity and sense of belonging are threatened?
Power and Authenticity
Too many people shy away from authenticity because it feels too risky or too vulnerable. They associate vulnerability with weakness. The truth is the more authentic you are, the more power you gain and the more opportunities you have in your life.
We can’t receive unconditional love if we don’t allow people to love us. We can’t allow people to love us for who we are if we don’t show up fully and authentically. This concept of authenticity gives you the opportunity to own your ability to create the life you want. Once you empower yourself to decide how your day, your week, your year is going to go, your reality changes. Creating your life and embodying your true self are not passive choices. “It’s not inactive, the doing is very strategic,” Moe says. “You show up authentically, that’s your work. If you do that, then things will come.”
To put this into practice, here are a few more tips and strategies you can use to connect with your authentic self.
5 Steps to Finding and Embracing Your Authentic Self:
Give yourself permission. You don’t need permission from anyone else to be your authentic self because YOU are the creator of your life.
Acknowledge your feelings, emotions, and desires. Then, share your truth! Is there something you’ve been wanting to say or do for a while? Acknowledge, share, then see what happens!
Embrace your creative potential and create belonging. If you feel left out in your community, make an empowered decision to reach out to 1-2 friends and reconnect. Relight that flame that has died out or start a whole new fire! It’s up to you.
Focus on love rather than validation. Choose to be and love who you are instead of the version of yourself who might be more accepted by others.
Step out of victimhood. You always have more choices than you think. What do you have the power to do right now that can lead you closer to your authentic self?
“This is a glimpse of what my life can be like when I’m really allowing community to reflect the things that I really value, like authenticity, like people who actually cultivate belonging, and people who give love freely. This is what I envision the world to be like, as it should be.”
- Moe Ari Brown
Want to join the next cohort of the Unconditionally Worthy Group Coaching Program starting on February 16th, 2023? Apply now at https://www.unconditionallyworthy.com/program.
About Moe Ari Brown (he/him):
Moe Ari is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with almost a decade of experience helping people find alignment in their lives. Assigned female at birth, Moe Ari uses his own gender transition story to help many others discover their authentic voice and navigate the difficult journey of alignment. As a therapist, energy healing practitioner, and lover of all people Moe Ari shares his journey toward authenticity to help others learn to live in celebration of life's diversity in hopes that it will help us to all move closer to oneness.
To connect further with Moe Ari Brown:
Visit his website: https://theemoeari.com
Follow him on Instagram: https://instagram.com/loveoutproud
Download the Mine’d app: https://www.doyoumined.com
Listen to the #LoveGoals Podcast: https://lovegoalspodcast.com
This episode was produced by Crys & Tiana.
If you enjoyed this discussion, share it with a loved one, then…
Stream & Download The Unconditionally Worthy Podcast NOW for FREE on Apple Podcasts, Google, Stitcher, Pandora, and Spotify!
Leave a review and share this podcast, or DM me on social media to let me know your thoughts on this topic!
