The Costs of Believing You’re Unworthy
— EPISODE 68 —
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[00:00:00] When I shifted my sense of worthiness, my dating experience really radically changed. And that's when I met my husband! And it was easy, right? Because I no longer was moving from a space of feeling unworthy.
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Welcome to the Unconditionally Worthy Podcast. In this podcast, I will guide you on your journey to connect with the true source of your self-worth. Each week we'll discuss barriers to unconditional self-worth, the connection between self-worth and relationships, self-worth practices you can apply to your life, and how to use self-worth as a foundation for living courageously. I'm your host, Dr. Adia Gooden, a licensed clinical psychologist, dance enthusiast, and a dark chocolate lover who believes deeply that you are worthy unconditionally.
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Hello and welcome back to the Unconditionally Worthy Podcast. We are in season five. Wow, that feels like a big number. It feels like a lot of seasons. We're in season five. This is episode 68, and I am back for another solo episode, which I'm excited about and I feel like I've kind of missed doing these solo episodes. It's the start of the new year. I'm recording this in January, mid-January, and it's been a little bit of a tough couple of weeks. Just a lot of things that I put on my to-do list for work and meaning to calibrate and remind myself of what is actually important and what is not so important in the larger scheme of things. And so I've really been working on resetting and shifting my perspective and grounding in what I know to be true and what I know to actually be important.
And so today I'm feeling so much better. And then on top of that, Amani had a cold. She had her first cold. And so she was not sleeping through the night as much, which has meant we were not sleeping through the night. And then in the last couple of days, both Jason, my husband and I have started to feel like we are coming down with what Amani had. I'm feeling a little bit better today. So I'm hoping that I can kind of nip it in the bud and we'll be getting a full-blown cold. But it has been a little bit of an intense start to the year. And I think, it's useful to just not make these things, things like what I've been experiencing in my life, things that you may be experiencing in your life mean more than they need to, right?
I think that when I was younger and when I was struggling with self-worth, I probably would've gotten into, what did I do to deserve this? Do these challenges mean that I'm unworthy? Is this a bad omen for the rest of the year? Is 2023 going to be a hard year? I would've just gotten caught up in all of those things, which would've only added to the stress of the pressure that I was already experiencing. And so because I was able to not do that, I could focus on showing up for Amani, taking care of her, showing up for myself, working on getting some coaching and talking to a good friend and really dialing in on my self-care routine, right? Those sorts of things in order to reset, because it's only mid-January and I think 2023 is going to be a great year.
So anyway, I thought I'd tell you a little bit about what's going on with me and how I navigate it. Because my promise with working on your self-worth journey with embracing your unconditional self-worth is that life is going to feel a lot better. But it's not that it's going to be perfect and not that you'll never experience life challenges because that's just, when you're alive, life sometimes is life and things come up. And so the big piece is having the tools to work through it. Okay. So let's get into the actual episode. Today on the podcast we are going to be talking about the costs of believing you're unworthy, of not believing you are worthy. We are going to be talking about what this really costs you. I think it's so important to be honest about this. And the reason I think it is, is because it's kind of easy to go through life with all of these little challenges that you're not addressing and or you're putting bandaids on them and not really recognize how this is costing you in your life, right?
Because it's not an obvious thing. It's not like, we know if you have a car and you don't get it repaired and there's a little issue and you don't get it repaired, eventually there's going to be a big issue and it's going to cost you big, thousands of dollars, right? Or we know that if you don't take care of your health, sometimes this is not as present as it should be, right? Like if [00:05:00] you eat McDonald's every day, right? That eventually you're going to feel not great, probably, after a few days and then eventually that may cost you big time with your health, right? But sometimes the issues and the costs that come up in our lives when we believe we're unworthy or when we are stuck in this place is struggling with our self-worth, feel very abstract and it can be hard to put a finger on it.
And what I know from my years of being a therapist, is that one of the biggest motivators for change is pain, right? That's just the truth. One of the things that motivates us most as humans is experiencing pain, physical pain, emotional pain, mental pain, right? Is a sense of I am suffering and I'm struggling and I don't want to feel this way anymore, whether it's with our physical health, mental health, emotional health relationships, right? That's what motivates us to commit ourselves to making a change. And so I want you to be committed to this, and that's your own choice, right? You have to make a choice. And I think it's my responsibility as someone who understands the cost both intimately for my personal experience as well as working with so many clients with hundreds of clients and people that I've coached on self-worth issues.
I want to help you understand how these things are costing you so you can figure out what you want to do about it, so you're not just silently invisibly paying these costs without even understanding how to address it. We're going to talk about the costs of believing you're unworthy in a few domains in your life. We're going to talk about mental and emotional relationships and professional, and we could talk about health, we could probably talk about a number of other domains. But I'm going to focus on these three for today so that this podcast episode doesn't get overly long. I'm going to start with mental and emotional. There are many mental and emotional costs to believing you're unworthy. And this includes feeling stressed, anxious, and depressed, and living with frequent self-criticism that leaves you feeling discouraged and like something is wrong with you.
And while low self-worth isn't the only cause of stress, anxiety, and depression, it is a significant contributor to these mental health issues. I saw this time and time again during the 14 years that I was doing therapy with people. And during my years of coaching people, we could work on managing symptoms all day. And while symptom management is important, think deep breathing, challenging negative thoughts, exercising, right? Those things are important, but if you never get to the root cause of these issues, the symptoms will continue to arise, right? Symptom management is important, but it's kind of like a bandaid in some ways. And so at some point we've got to figure out why you're bleeding, right? And we've got to address that so you don't have to keep running through bandaids. So instead if we address the underlying issue of not believing you're worthy, you'll experience a significant reduction in the symptoms in the first place.
This has been certainly true in my life. I lived with high functioning anxiety for years, right? For years and years, many of those years I didn't even realize that I had high functioning anxiety, but I did. And I went to therapy for it. I spent, I want to say like six years in therapy. And therapy was incredibly helpful, but it was not until I really claimed my worthiness, it was not until I really got to the root of the issue, which was believing that I was unworthy, that I experienced a significant reduction in my anxiety, right? And these days I experience anxiety occasionally, and usually it's situational and how I'm approaching and interpreting situations, but it is not constant in the way that it was before. And so I have gotten so much freedom from anxiety by claiming my worthiness, by embracing the fact that I'm unconditionally worthy.
And the experience of having much less anxiety after working on self-worth isn't just true for me. It's also been true for group coaching members in my programs. I can think of two people in particular who came into the program struggling with daily anxiety, right? They were spending hours every day feeling anxious. And this was getting in the way of how they were showing up at work, how they were showing up with their partners and how they were showing up with family members in general. And it was a constant struggle. And even though anxiety wasn't a specific focus of what we talked about in a lot of the sessions, we did touch on it. And after the program, both of these coaching members that I'm thinking about came through feeling so much less anxious. Did they still have some anxiety? Yes.
But what they found was that they were [00:10:00] better able to manage the anxiety. It was coming up less and it wasn't getting in the way of how they were living their lives. And so addressing these issues of self-worth truly helps to relieve anxiety. And it can do the same for depression and a sense of stress overall. The mental health issues of stress and anxiety and depression are bad enough on their own, right? But that's a big enough cost, right? The amount of time and energy and space that we lose by living in the space of anxiety and depression is huge, right? I talked about this in my TEDx talk, but depression is the number one cause of disability in the world, right? We lose time, we lose energy, we lose opportunities to connect, we lose work, we lose lots of things when we're in this state of depression and anxiety can cause us to overwork, but we also lose out.
And so it's a big price to pay, right? Like, yes, I'm imagining many of you who are listening, if you experience anxiety or depression at all, you probably experience it in a high functioning way, right? So you're still able to show up to work, cope, do the things that you need to do. But I just want you to consider how is it weighing on your life? How is it wearing on you? And are you ready to be free of that and do something that's really going to help address some of the root causes? All right. So mental health issues, right? We know that mental health issues affect our physical health, affects our relationships, affect our jobs, they affect everything else, which is why I started with them. But now we're going to focus a little bit more on relationship challenges and specifically romantic relationships is what I'm going to focus in on here.
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Are you an ambitious professional woman who is tired of feeling overworked and underappreciated, ready to believe in your worth and to reclaim your power? If you answered yes. I want to invite you to apply, to join the next cohort of the Unconditionally Worthy Group Coaching Program. This program will save you thousands of hours and dollars spent in therapy by guiding you on a clear path to heal past trauma, connect to your inner wisdom and reclaim your power so you can stop overworking and start succeeding with ease while creating a life filled with joy and peace. Apply now and I will personally review your application and invite you to a self-worth consultation call with me if it seems like you're a good fit for the program. Applications close on February 16th or when the limited number of spots are filled. So be sure to apply now before it's too late. Go to unconditionallyworthy.com/program to learn more and apply.
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Can't wait to see your application. I've talked a lot on the podcast about how my self-worth issues led to challenges in my romantic relationships. Specifically you could check out episode two, episode nine, or episode 13 of this podcast. If you want to hear a little bit about my dating woes and challenges and how I've navigated all of that. But I want to talk here specifically about how struggling with your self-worth costs you in romantic relationships. Let's start with those of you who are single and wanting a relationship. When you're single and engaging in a process of dating, it can be tough, right? It's already a rough, wild world out there. I know for myself, I hear from my friends, but when you are also struggling with your self-worth, it becomes even more difficult.
It's even more challenging, because you are more likely to compromise your values and your boundaries in an attempt to get love and acceptance from someone if you don't already believe you're worthy. If you're not grounded in your worthiness. You're also more likely to settle for a relationship that doesn't truly make you feel loved, cared for, and accepted because you think that all you're worthy, you just got to settle for anybody who likes you, right? I lived in that space for so long. Like I think back about, even when I was a teenager, someone might be interested in me and I was like, what? How could you like me? It was crazy. I couldn't believe that somebody would be interested in me. And then it was like, because they were interested. And this continued into my 20s, believe me, because they were interested, it didn't really matter if I enjoyed their company, if I liked how I felt when I was with them, if I really liked them, it didn't really matter, what mattered was they liked me and so this is good.
And that gives me the approval and maybe it'll still make me feel worthy. And so I was going for it, right? And so that dynamic can get created in our dating experiences if we're not grounded in our worthiness. If you are in a relationship, sometimes if you're in a relationship [00:15:00] that's unhealthy, you actually may be more likely to stay in that relationship if you're struggling with self-worth because you believe it's the best you can get, right? If you have a sense of I'm not really worthy or lovable and this person has decided to be with me, well even though I'm not feeling happy in the relationship or affirmed in the relationship or accepted in the relationship, I'm going to stay, right?
Even if the relationship is toxic, I'm going to stay because this is the best I can get and I'm scared that no one else will love me, right? That's a dynamic that can come up, that can keep you stuck in an unhealthy relationship, right? And then lastly, if you are in a loving, healthy relationship, but you're struggling with self-worth, yes, the relationship can help to rework your sense of worthiness, that certainly can happen. And when we struggle with self-worth, we often have a hard time accepting love and affirmation. And so you may find yourself rejecting the love your partner is trying to offer you, or even sabotaging the relationship because you don't feel comfortable with it, because you don't feel worthy of the love they're giving you. The truth is that so many of us want healthy romantic relationships. And so there are some big costs in moving through the dating and relationship parts of our lives without feeling worthy.
Because, one, we will struggle with dating. We won't attract or be attracted to partners who are healthy and we can build healthy relationships with. Two, we may settle for toxic relationships. And three, we may reject the love that people offer us in healthy relationships. These are some big costs, right? And often when we talk about dating, the focus is on the other person, right? The dating world is crazy, which I noted and it's true, right? But there's often not enough focus on what about me is creating the dynamic that I'm experiencing and dating. And as I've talked about in my past podcast episodes, so you should check them out, when I shifted my sense of worthiness, my dating experience really radically changed. And that's when I met my husband and it was easy, right? Because I no longer was moving from a space of feeling unworthy.
Okay. So those are the costs for romantic relationships. Check in with yourself. Are you experiencing any of these costs? The last part of your life that I want to talk about related to the costs of believing you're unworthy, is professional. Professional challenges. We've talked a lot about imposter syndrome on the podcast because imposter syndrome is connected to self-worth struggles. Essentially when we don't feel worthy, we don't feel like we deserve the professional and academic positions we're in, we feel like imposters and we struggle to show up and share our gifts fully in the workplace, in an academic setting, et cetera. And there are a number of costs that we pay for this. One is we hide, right? We hide because we feel like fakes or frauds. And because of this, we feel like if we can just fly under the radar and avoid being seen, that's going to keep us safe.
And this hiding means that we don't put ourselves out there and truly share our gifts. So we're more likely to be passed over for promotions and other opportunities, right? So hiding, this is one of the most heartbreaking parts for me, right? Is people who are incredible. And I believe you're incredible. I don't even necessarily know you, but I know that you have gifts. I know that you have things to share with this world, but when you hide them, we don't get to experience them. And also you miss out on the aliveness that you will tap into and experience and embody when you are sharing your gifts, right? I know for me, I feel most alive when I am operating in my gifts, when I am using my voice to share something that I think is liberating or empowering. That is when I feel most alive, when I am creating and holding space for people to grow and transform, to help people feel seen, that is when I feel most alive.
I know that if I was still stuck in my last job, doing work that was not aligned or feeling like an imposter and feeling like I just had to be small and hide and fly under the radar, I would miss out on this experience and you would also miss out on what I'm creating right now. And so I want you to have that aliveness, that sense of purpose, that sense of meaning. But we can't get there if we're hiding. Another thing is that when we feel unworthy, we tend to overwork in an attempt to prove our worth, right? We get caught up in this overworking, overextending ourselves, always saying yes, not having boundaries with work. And let's add to that, probably not asking ourselves for the raise that we deserve, probably not asking ourselves for appropriate conversation, for all that we're contributing to our organization.
[00:20:00] And so we pay financial costs, right? We pay health costs because we're overworking. It affects our mental and emotional health. And then also we miss out on time with friends, time with family, vacations, right? These wonderful things that we want in our life, we miss out on them because we're always working. And even if we go on the vacation or we hang out with our friend, we have our work phone, we're checking our email, we're never checked out because we feel like we have to be constantly on and constantly working to prove that we're worthy, to get approval, to not expose ourselves as fakes or frauds, right? Think about the cost of spending five years that way, or 10 years that way. What will be the cost on your relationships with family, friends, romantic partners with your kids? What will be the cost on your mental and emotional health?
What will be the cost on your physical health, right? What will be the cost on your spirit and your soul? Right? Like these costs are big and they add up, right? I want you to just sit with that. Are you seeing your self-worth challenges show up in a professional setting and what are those costs? Are you not going for the promotion? Are you overworking yourself? Are you not taking time off? Are you not showing up and sharing your gifts in a way that makes you feel alive and vibrant? What are the costs? I'm sharing these costs and I know it feels a little heavy, because as I began with, we have to be honest about the costs. If we're going to be truly motivated to change, right? We change because we want to get out of pain. That's the truth, right? Some of us are motivated by like getting to the good part and hopefully that motivates you too.
But when it's only about what is the possibility that's positive? Sometimes it feels optional. And when it's like, you know what, I'm no longer willing to pay these costs, then I no longer feels optional, right? And so the truth is that committing to going on the journey to embracing your unconditional self worth does take commitment of your time, your energy, and maybe even your money. But when you think about that investment in the context of the cost that you are paying for not working towards claiming your self worth, I think that that will shift your perspective, because ultimately those costs are much bigger than any investment in time, energy, and money that you'll put into your self-worth journey, right? That will pay you back tenfold or more. I want you to take some time to consider whether you're experiencing any of the costs I shared related to believing you’re unworthy.
And I talked about the cost related to your mental health, related to your romantic relationships and related to your professional lives. You also might experience cost related to your health, related to your spiritual health, related to relationships with friends and family, right? You may also experience related to your finances, right? That could be a really big one. We've had some podcast episodes on that too. I want you to get serious and get honest with yourself. I want you to be compassionate, right? This is not an opportunity to beat up on yourself, right? Like no, no beating up. That's not helpful, right? And I want you to be honest, right? What are the costs that you are paying for not believing that you are worthy? And what will happen in six months if you don't start shifting things? How much will you pay over the next six months if you don't do something different, right?
How much will it cost? Will it cost you relationships that are on the brink? Right? Will it cost you your health, your mental health? Will it cost a promotion? What will it cost you? And are you willing to pay that cost? And so my next question for you is, are you ready to start intentionally seeking to embrace your unconditional self-worth so that you can stop paying these costs? I hope your answer to that question is yes. And if it is, I want to help you with that. That's exactly what we work towards in the Unconditionally Worthy Group Coaching Program. The program is designed specifically for high achieving professional women who are overworked and ready to shift out of searching outside of themselves to prove their worth and to start living with more peace, ease and joy. This program centers the experiences of BIPOC women and it is a supportive, and I would say magical space.
It helps you to embody your unconditional self-worth and live from that place so that you're no longer overworking, you're no longer ridden with anxiety and stress, so that you can pursue the relationships that light you up and fill you up and feel healthy so that you can pursue a career that is enlightening and invigorating and affirming, right? This program is transformative. [00:25:00] We are now accepting applications for the next cohort, which starts on February 20th. So if you're listening to this episode, the day it comes out, or in the week or so after, I'm inviting you to apply for the Unconditionally Worthy Group Coaching Program. I'm incredibly excited to welcome in a group of people who are committed to going on this journey and embracing their unconditional self-worth. And I'm going to be there supporting you every step of the way. The process is you go to unconditionallyworthy.com/program to apply. The application takes five, 10 minutes at most.
It really doesn't take very much time. I'm going to review your application personally and then if I think that this program will be the right fit for you, because I'm really being intentional about making sure that the right people are in this group. And just to note, there are limited spots available, right? It's not like a huge program, but if I think it's the right fit, then I'm going to invite you to join me for a call. We're going to have a conversation about where you're at on your self-worth journey, what kind of challenges you're experiencing, and then we'll talk about the transformation this program offers, whether that helps to address the concerns you have with self-worth. And I'm going to support you in making a decision about whether or not this is the right time to join the program. So I encourage you to apply at unconditionallyworthy.com/program.
I'm excited to see your application, have a conversation with you. Just so that you know the last day to apply is February 16th, because the last day to join the program is February 17th. We'll have the weekend off and then we'll get started with the program the week of the 20th, February 20th, 2023. I'm so excited to help you stop paying these costs that we've talked about. I'm so excited to help you live a life filled with ease, joy, and peace, and I cannot wait to see all the things that you do and experience in your life once you know that you're worthy. That's it for this episode, episode 68, first episode of season five. And my ask for you is to please share this podcast. I know that it is a helpful resource for so many of you, and I'd love for you to share it with friends or family who you think would also benefit. That does so much to support me and to support the podcast. I hope that you are having a wonderful day and week and that this episode just helps to brighten it. Can't wait to hear from you soon.
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Thanks for joining me this week on the Unconditionally Worthy Podcast. Make sure to visit my website, dradiagooden.com and subscribe to the show on iTunes so you'll never miss an episode. You can also follow me on social media at Dr. Adia Gooden. If you loved the show, please leave a review on iTunes so we can continue to bring you amazing episodes. Lastly, if you found this episode helpful and know someone who might benefit from hearing it, please share it. Thanks for listening and see you next episode.
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This episode was produced by Crys & Tiana and the music is by Wataboi.
Cali by Wataboi https://soundcloud.com/wataboi
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Music promoted by FDL Music https://youtu.be/ZdQI7WQWi_g
How does the belief that “you are unworthy” impact your health, relationships, career, and quality of life? You might be surprised by how much low-self worth really costs…
In this first episode of Season 5, I shine light on the costs of believing you’re unworthy so that you can figure out where and how your relationship to self-worth needs to change.
You know that if you don’t get your car repaired or your leaky roof fixed, it’s eventually going to cost you BIG. So, you tend to prioritize getting those repairs done pretty quickly, right? Low self-worth may not be as obvious as a leaky roof, but believing you’re unworthy has just as big (if not bigger) and deeper consequences. Sometimes, the issues that come up in our lives when we believe we are unworthy feel very abstract and it can be hard to put a finger on them. That’s what this episode will help you do.
As a therapist, I know that one of the biggest motivators for change is pain. Pain motivates us to commit to creating a change so the suffering will stop. If you’re suffering with low self-worth or struggling to connect with your unconditional worthiness, that’s what I want you to do… commit to making a change.
You don’t have to feel unworthy anymore. In fact, it’s very possible for you to feel unconditionally worthy of love, respect, abundance, prosperity, healthy relationships, a fulfilling career, and so much more… whatever your heart desires! It’s possible.
In order to figure out how you want to change your relationship with self-worth, it’s important to know how your belief that you’re unworthy is affecting you. Let’s explore some of the costs of not believing you are worthy, particularly in terms of your mental and emotional health, relationships, and your professional life.
The Costs of Believing You’re Unworthy:
Mental and Emotional Costs
Feelings of stress, anxiety, and depression.
Living with frequent self-criticism that leaves you feeling discouraged or like something is wrong with you.
Costs to Your Relationships
If you’re single, you’re more likely to compromise your values and boundaries when dating in an attempt to get love and acceptance from someone else. This will lead you to attract or be attracted to the wrong people.
You’re more likely to settle for a toxic relationship that doesn’t truly make you feel loved, cared for, and accepted.
If you’re in an unhealthy relationship, you’re more likely to stay in that unhealthy relationship because you believe it’s the best you can get. (spoiler: it’s not!)
If you’re in a healthy relationship, you might have a hard time accepting love and affirmation.
You’re more likely to reject the love you’re being given or even sabotage your own relationship because you don’t feel comfortable with (and worthy of) the love they’re giving you.
Costs to Your Professional Life
A common symptom of low self-worth is Imposter Syndrome: Struggling to show up and share your strengths and talents in the workplace.
Flying under the radar at work and avoiding being seen so that you’re “safe” from criticism, judgment, or worse. This causes you to be passed up for promotions and other opportunities to grow and share your gifts.
Overworking yourself in an attempt to prove your worth, which causes health problems, compromises your relationships, and weakens your social life.
Avoiding asking for or negotiating appropriate compensation or raises, which will eventually create financial deficits.
What are the costs you’re paying for not believing you’re worthy?
If you don’t start shifting your relationship with self-worth now, how much will it have cost you six months from now?
Investing in your self-worth journey pays off BIG TIME. If you never get to the root cause of these issues (your self-worth), the symptoms will continue to arise and you’ll never see a real change. If you address the underlying issue of not believing you’re worthy, you will notice a significant reduction in symptoms (costs).
If you want to finally commit to your self-worth journey this year, I invite you to join the next cohort of the Unconditionally Worthy Group Coaching Program, starting February 20th, 2023. Visit https://www.unconditionallyworthy.com/program to learn more and apply!
This episode was produced by Crys & Tiana.
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