Self-Worth Challenges Aren’t Your Fault, But They Are Your Responsibility
— EPISODE 77 —
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[00:00:00] Does this sound like you? You're feeling exhausted, overworked, and undervalued, and you're ready to start prioritizing yourself. You are your toughest critic, constantly pointing out mistakes and tearing yourself down. You feel like you're playing small and you want to show up in a bigger and more aligned way. The unconditionally Worthy Group coaching program helps high achieving professional women just like you claim their work outside of the hustle. Through this program, you will show up for yourself, your family, and your community from a place of power while finally experiencing the peace and joy you've been longing for. Apply now for one of the 10 spots available in the upcoming cohort of the Unconditionally Worthy Group Coaching Program. It'll begin the week of April 17th, so be sure to get your application in now. To apply, go to www.unconditionallyworthy.com/program. Can't wait to see your application.
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We are so often looking for someone or something outside of ourselves to swoop in and save us, and to finally make us feel worthy. Here's the truth. The only person who can swoop in and make you feel worthy is you. You are the only one.
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Welcome to the Unconditionally Worthy Podcast. In this podcast, I will guide you on your journey to connect with the true source of your self-worth. Each week we'll discuss barriers to unconditional self-worth, the connection between self-worth and relationships, self-worth practices you can apply to your life. And how to use self-worth as a foundation for living courageously. I'm your host, Dr. Adia Gooden, a licensed clinical psychologist, dance enthusiast, and a dark chocolate lover who believes deeply that you are worthy unconditionally.
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Hello and welcome to another episode of the Unconditionally Worthy Podcast. This is another solo episode. It's been a while since I've done one of those and we are trying to mix it up so that we have kind of mostly guest episodes these days, but then we have at least a few solo episodes and it seems like y'all like them. So let me know. Send me a DM, send me an email, let me know if you like the solo episodes and want those to keep going. And on that note, I really appreciate when you leave a rating or review. It helps me to get feedback to know what is working in the podcast, what's reaching you, what's resonating. And it also helps other people to find the show. So if you could take a few moments after you listen or while you're listening and just leave a rating, a review I would sincerely appreciate it.
So thank you for that. So I'm recording this on the second day of March. So it's a ways before you're actually going to be hearing it. I am really in sort of a recalibration space, so I have been working for myself and running my business for almost exactly two years at this point, which is kind of crazy. And overall it has been great. It is going well. And as I've talked about on the podcast before, I am sort of continually unlearning the habits of overworking, of pressuring myself, of setting these deadlines and setting these goals that make me feel stressed and pressured. And I am in a space right now where I am recalibrating, right? I'm really, wanting to make sure that my business is in alignment with who I am energetically with my life, with having a baby who's almost 10 months old, which is also hard to believe.
And so I'm in this recalibration space, and I really like the word iterative. And I think so many things in our life are iterative, right? We sort of iterate. We have to kind of do it, again and again, to refine, to improve, and also to adjust to where we are now in this life phase, which may be different from where we were when we started. And so I share that with you just in the hopes that knowing a little bit about my process is supportive of you, and that it gives you inspiration to know that you can also iterate, that you can also refine, that you can also recalibrate. And that what you decided was right for you, what brought you a certain amount of success, right?
[00:05:00] My business has been really successful, which I'm super grateful for. That is not always the same thing that you're going to continue. So I'm not planning to make any huge, large changes in my business at this point, and I want to make refinements because I want it to feel even better, even less stressful, even more fun, even more easeful. And so I'm in this recalibration space. So I hope that wherever you are, if you are feeling stuck, or if you're feeling like it's time for a change, that you give yourself permission to recalibrate, to iterate, to look at and reflect on how you want to shift and change things moving forward. So that's just a little bit about kind of where I'm at in my business right now. And now let's get into the show. Let’s get into this episode. So this episode is about the fact that self-worth challenges are not your fault and they are your responsibility. And it is so important that you learn to hold these two truths together on your self-worth journey.
So we are going to dig in to this now. So the first truth, right? Self-Worth challenges are not your fault. There might have been many things that have caused you to believe that you are unworthy. You may have experienced abuse, neglect, bullying, assault as a child or as a young adult or as a teenager, right? You may have experienced these things in your life. You may have experienced traumatic relationships, relationships that ended in heartbreak or rejection or being cheated on or your boundaries being violated. You may have experienced rejection in general, right? Rejection from friends or family members or being fired or not getting a job that you really wanted, right? There's so many forms of rejection you might have experienced that made you feel like who you are isn't worthy. You might have internalized societal messages that who you are and how you identify isn't worthy, right?
We receive so, so many messages, right? That in order to be worthy, you've got to have a certain amount of money, you've got to look a certain way, your hair needs to be a certain way, you need to be this type of way, you need to dress this certain way, right? And most of us don't fit into that, right? And we can internalize that to mean that if we don't fit into that sort of model of acceptability, of who is worthy, of who is beautiful, of who is whatever, then we're not worthy. And you also may have not received the love that you needed from caregivers, from family members, right? You may have been left feeling like something was wrong with you or I should say, you also may have had experiences that were not as big, right? And so, when I share my story, right?
I didn't experience any major trauma as a kid. And there were a lot of little things that I went through, whether it was with my parents who generally were great parents, and there were some challenges and some misses that I experienced or with friends. And I generally had friends and I sometimes was rejected or left out, right? Sometimes the things that you experience related to your self-worth aren't huge big traumas. Sometimes they are, but sometimes they aren't. And I want you to know that that's okay too, right? You don't have to feel like your challenges with self-worth are unjustified. And one of the things that we do in the Unconditionally Worthy Group Coaching Program is we really actually start out with you uncovering your self-worth story, with you really looking closely at what you have gone through throughout various stages and phases of your life that may have contributed to challenges that you experience with self-worth.
And so we dive into that and it's a really powerful exercise that help people to gain insight into how they came up with a story that they're unworthy. But the point that I want you to take away from here is that whatever your reasons are for feeling unworthy, they're not your fault, right? They aren't your fault. And this is so important because very often we experience trauma, we experience challenge, and our mind makes up that we are to blame for that challenge or trauma, that it is our fault. And we even have a society that says, oh, you were raped, you were sexually assaulted. Well, why were you drinking? Or why were you wearing that? Or why were you out alone? Or why are you in a relationship with that person, right? Just as an example, right? So we tend to blame ourselves for things that are not our fault.
[00:10:00] And often what I hear from people, especially when I'm talking with them about the Unconditionally Worthy Group Program, sometimes even when they're already in the program, is that they feel embarrassed that they have not overcome their self-worth challenges already. They feel like I should have figured this out by 30, 40, 50, 60, et cetera. And the fact that I'm this age and still struggling with self-worth means that there is something wrong with me and maybe even means that I am not worthy, right? I should have figured this out already. Why am I still having this challenge? Can you relate? Have you ever felt that way? Have you ever felt like, why am I still struggling with this? And what I want to tell you is that it's not your fault. I want you to release the self blame because, A, your self-worth challenges were probably caused by some trauma, some difficulty, some rejection, some challenging experience that you had while in your formative years while you were growing up, even in early adulthood, right?
Or currently, right? That they were probably caused by that in a way that was not your fault. And two, or B, I should say, we don't live in a society that teaches us that we are unconditionally worthy, right? This message, this thing that I talk about all the time is different from the prevailing messages that we get in society, right? So you have been swimming in water that says you are conditionally worthy, you have been swimming in water that says you are only worthy if you're perfect, if you look the right way, if you dress the right way, if you act the right way, if you talk the right way. And this message that you are worthy now and that you are worthy unconditionally is pretty different from all of the messages that you have been hearing. And so it makes perfect sense that growing up in the society that we live in, where we get constant messages that we are not worthy, and having your own personal experiences that left you feeling unworthy, that you wouldn't have figured it out by yourself, right?
That you wouldn't have overcome these self-worth challenges magically, right? That's part of the reason why I'm so passionate about this podcast and my Unconditionally Worthy Group Coaching Program, because I want to help you because I know that I struggled with it as well. And to be honest, if I hadn't done years of therapy, listened to hundreds of hours of spiritual teaching and been in a PhD program for clinical psychology, that mind you did not specifically address self-worth, I probably wouldn't have figured it out, right? But it was through those experiences, my own experiences, my training experiences, and also doing therapy with hundreds of clients that I figured out, right? That I came to understand how to help myself on my journey to unconditional self-worth and how to help you on that journey, right? And so the reason that I have this podcast and the reason that I have my group coaching program, Date Yourself course, is because I want to make it easier and quicker for you, right?
Is because I don't want you to have to spend years and years struggling, wandering aimlessly, not knowing which direction to go. So I want you to get there, right? And so I say that because I just want to normalize the fact that many, many, I might say most people are operating from a place where they don't believe they're worthy, right? I'm not in everyone's head. So I cannot say, oh, that person walking down the street doesn't feel that they're worthy unconditionally, right? Like, I can't do that. But what I do know is that what we can see in the world is stress, exhaustion, burnout, substance abuse, increase in suicidality, depression, anxiety, right? We see all of these things, we see violence. And for me, my insight is that one of the causes of many of these things, both on an individual and systemic level, is not believing that we are or that other people are unconditionally worthy.
And I'm not saying that it's the only cause, right? I'm not saying it's the only cause and I think it is one of the causes. And so I just want you to know that you're not alone, right? You are not alone in having self-worth challenges and struggles, right? So I want you to give yourself grace around this. The other piece, right? The other truth that we're going to talk about is that your self-worth challenges are your responsibility, right? So the first truth is that self-worth challenges are not your fault. [00:15:00] And this is important to accept so that you can get out of the self blame and shame. Because when you are stuck in self blame and shame, what's wrong with me? It's all my fault. I'm horrible, I'm awful. I can't believe I'm the only one, right? When you are stuck there, it is really hard to make changes.
When you are beating yourself up, you stay stuck. It's hard to make changes, right? So this first truth that self-worth challenges are not your fault, is important to accept and own because that helps you to give yourself grace, start practicing self-compassion and move out of the stuck place of shame and blame. And then we get to this second truth, which is that your self-worth challenges are your responsibility, okay? I'm going to say that again. Your self-worth challenges are your responsibility. When we get caught up in blame and shame, we feel like victims, right? So I don't want you to take the fact that self-worth challenges are not your fault. And think, well, I'm a victim. I'm a victim of what has happened to me, right?
Because when we feel like victims, when we're stuck in that place, we feel powerless to change our situation. Have you ever felt stuck in your situation? Have you ever felt stuck with the self-worth challenges and been really unsure about how or if you could make any changes? Have you just felt so unworthy and disempowered to actually make changes? Answer for yourself, right? The second truth, the truth that self-worth challenges are your responsibility to address that helps you to feel empowered to change your self-worth challenges, right? So instead of blaming yourself or blaming other people, because that's the other thing that can happen, we can go from blaming ourselves to realizing it's not our fault and then be like, it's everyone else. It's the world. The world's so awful. And like, yeah, that can be true, but you can't do anything about anyone else, right? The only person you are empowered to change is yourself. So I don't want you to stay in a place of blaming the world. You can acknowledge it.
And then let's move pretty quickly to taking responsibility for your own self-worth challenges, right? And this can be a little bit scary, right? Because ooh, if we are responsible, then we've got to do something about it, right? You are responsible for changing how you see yourself and how you treat yourself. It is very easy to wish that some hero, some knight in shining armor or whatever is going to swoop in and save you and change your life, right? And your knight in shining armor may come in the image of actually a person that you want to marry you. And then if they marry you or they propose to you or whatever, you'll finally feel worthy, right? It's not going to work. Or it might come in the form of a job. And if you get that job and that salary, then you'll finally feel worthy.
It may come in the form of a degree or a certification. And if you get that degree and that certification, then you'll finally feel worthy, right? We are so often looking for someone or something outside of ourselves to swoop in and save us and to finally make us feel worthy. Here's the truth. The only person who can swoop in and make you feel worthy is you. You are the only one. And I know that that's a hard truth, right? Because that means that you have to take responsibility for yourself and you have to take responsibility for your life. You are the only one who is going to save you, and you are the one who must take action and make changes in your life to feel better about yourself, to know your worth and experience, the deep peace and freedom that you are longing for.
And here's the challenging part. The very thing, the very thought processes and behaviors that are keeping you stuck are the ones that you have to overcome and change to start to feel more worthy. So it might be avoidance, you might be someone who avoids, right? Miserable at your job, miserable in your relationship, avoid, avoid, avoid, maybe shop, maybe you eat, maybe you buy things, maybe you overexercise, right? I don't know what it is, right? But you may sort of avoid your way through life, but notice that like, hmm, you're not living the life you want. It's not vibrant, it's not exciting, it's not energizing.
[00:20:00] And so what you're going to have to do is to stop avoiding. That's going to be your pathway to unconditional self-worth is to take action to own and acknowledge that where you are is not where you want to be and to start making changes. You may be an overworker, your strategy may be to overwork, to distract yourself, right? To never let yourself be still or quiet or rest because you're always working, you're always filling your schedule. Always volunteering and volunteer activities and signing up for this and signing up for that and always doing and always working, always moving up because there's no space to even think about how you feel about your life and yourself. So you overwork yourself, you fill your life up and your pathway is going to be to slow down and make space to consider, to reflect, to shift, to invest in yourself, right? These are the things that you have to do and it's hard and it's uncomfortable. And let me tell you, it is so, so worth it. So here's what you need to do. You need to hold these two truths together and they're so important to hold them together.
You need to hold the truth that your self-worth challenges are not your fault. This truth helps to give you grace and compassion and helps you to be patient with yourself as you get ready to make more challenges. But if you only stuck with that truth and you didn't keep the second truth, then you might get stuck in blaming the world. You might get stuck in feeling there's nothing you can do to change your self-worth and to change your situations. But there is, so you must hold the first truth for grace and compassion with yourself and that it's essential that you also hold the second truth, which is that self-worth challenges are your responsibility. No one is going to save you but you, you are the one who is responsible for taking action and making changes in your life so that it feels the way you want it to feel.
No one else can do that for you. And it is so easy to get stuck in thinking, well, if they would just change, if my partner would just change. If my boss would just change, if the world would just change, then I would feel better about myself. Do you really want to wait for that? You might be waiting a long time. In fact, you might be waiting forever. And so my encouragement to you is to not give away your power to other people but to claim your power and say, I am responsible and I have the power and the agency to change the way I see myself, the way I feel about myself, the way I treat myself. I have the power to claim that I am unconditionally worthy. I hope you're feeling inspired by this and empowered by this. And if you are ready to start taking action to embrace your unconditional self-worth, I am inviting you to apply to join the Unconditionally Worthy Group Coaching Program.
This program will support you in holding and integrating the truth that you are not to blame for your self-worth challenges, and it will support you as you take responsibility for claiming that you are worthy. This is a powerful 12 week, three month group based program. It is curriculum based, so the curriculum, the course that you get access to, guides you step by step on your self-worth journey. It gives you the strategies as you're taking responsibility. It gives you the strategies so that you know what to do differently in your life, right? So it's not just coaching and inspiration that's powerful. It's also the strategies to start making steps to make changes in your life. I guide you step by step in that. You're going to uncover your self-worth stories so you can understand where your struggles with self-worth began. You can give yourself grace.
You're going to learn to release self-criticism, stop beating yourself up so you feel stuck in this place of shame and blame and start practicing self-compassion. You're going to work through forgiving yourself for burdens and mistakes so that you can free yourself from the past. Then you're going to be guided to truly love and accept yourself in the way that feels best for you. You're going to learn how to build and cultivate healthy loving relationships and actually accept the love that others offer you, and also to release toxic relationships and set healthy boundaries. And then you're going to learn to tap into your internal wisdom, to guide you moving forward in your life. The spots in this group program are limited because I only accept 10 people in each cohort because I want to be able to give you the time, the attention and the energy that you need, deserve and are worthy of as you go through this self-worth journey.
All of this takes place over the course of three months with weekly live coaching with me and other high-achieving professional women who are also committed to learning, growing, and healing on their [00:25:00] self-worth journey. The Unconditionally Worthy Group Coaching Program is truly empowering and transformational, and the next cohort starts the week of April 17th. So be sure to apply now because there are limited spots available. I can't wait to read your application. Once it comes through, I'll read it personally and if it seems like you're a good fit, I'll invite you to join me for a consultation call where we can talk through your self-worth challenges. I can share more about the program and support you in making an empowered decision about whether or not to join.
So go to unconditionallyworthy.com/program to learn more and apply. You can read all of the details, read some of these fabulous testimonials from the program, and I'm so excited to see your application. The link is also in the show notes. Remember, as you move away from this episode, as you leave this episode to hold these two truths. Self-Worth challenges are not your fault and they are your responsibility. Get ready to start taking action now so you can truly transform your life. Thanks so much for listening as always.
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Thanks for joining me this week on the Unconditionally Worthy Podcast. Make sure to visit my website, dradiagooden.com and subscribe to the show on iTunes so you'll never miss an episode. You can also follow me on social media at Dr. Adia Gooden. If you loved the show, please leave a review on iTunes so we can continue to bring you amazing episodes. Lastly, if you found this episode helpful and know someone who might benefit from hearing it, please share it. Thanks for listening and see you next episode.
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This episode was produced by Crys & Tiana and the music is by Wataboi.
Cali by Wataboi https://soundcloud.com/wataboi
Creative Commons — Attribution 3.0 Unported — CC BY-SA 3.0
Music promoted by FDL Music https://youtu.be/ZdQI7WQWi_g
Self-worth challenges are not your fault. However, they are your responsibility. As you start and progress on your self-worth journey, it’s important that you learn to hold these two truths together. Let’s dive in deeper to explore why…
In this solo episode of Unconditionally Worthy, I talk about why your struggles with self-worth are your responsibility and how you can take back control of your self-worth, starting today. At the end, I highlight a few thoughts and behaviors you need to overcome to start feeling more worthy.
Self-Worth Challenges Are Not Your Fault
There are many factors and experiences that can cause you to feel unworthy. Rejection, bullying, traumatic relationships, abuse, neglect, the list goes on. You could have received societal messages that who you are and how you identify isn’t worthy of respect, acceptance, and love. You may have not received the love and care you needed as a child from family members or caregivers, leaving you to feel like something is wrong with you. Or you may not have had any trauma… you could’ve had a great childhood, but you’ve had little experiences that build up over time into feelings of low self-worth.
However your self-worth challenges came to be, you don’t have to justify them. The first step to working through these challenges is uncovering them and naming them. That by itself will give you insight into how you came up with the narrative that you are unworthy.
The point is, whatever your reasons are for feeling unworthy - they’re not your fault. This is important to realize because so often, our brain makes us feel like we’re at fault for the traumas and challenges we experience, when we’re really not.
I often hear from people that they feel embarrassed that they haven’t overcome their self-worth challenges already. They feel like they should have figured it out already. Can you relate? Well, again, it’s not your fault. It’s time to release the self-blame.
To be brutally honest, we don’t live in a society that teaches us that we are unconditionally worthy. You have been swimming in water that says you are only worthy if (fill in the blank). So, give yourself grace, give yourself compassion, and remember that you’re not alone in this journey. Just keep swimmin’.
Self-Worth Challenges Are Your Responsibility
This truth is vitally important to accept so that you can get out of the shame/blame cycle and effectively make changes. You are not the victim of your self-worth challenges, you are in control of them. Once you acknowledge that self-worth challenges are your responsibility to deal with, you can feel empowered to take control of how you see yourself and how you treat yourself, and finally make yourself feel worthy.
A job, salary, degree, or romantic partner won’t solve your self-worth challenges. The only person that can swoop in and make you feel worthy is YOU.
Thoughts & Behaviors You Have to Overcome to Start Feeling Worthy:
Avoidance: You feel miserable and unworthy at work, in your relationship, or another area of life, so you do your best to ignore your struggle. Instead, you shop, eat, work, exercise, etc. to avoid your way through life.
You need to stop the avoidance behaviors because they’re blocking you from connecting to your unconditional worthiness.
Overworking Yourself: You overwork to distract yourself from feelings of low self-worth. You fill your life up so as to believe this fake “fullness” will make you feel worthy, but it doesn’t.
You need to slow down and make space to reflect and invest in yourself.
“My self-worth challenges are my fault.”
No, they’re not your fault. Change that narrative!
“I’m a victim of my self-worth challenges, therefore it’s not my responsibility to fix them.”
False! The only person that can heal your self-worth is yourself.
Remember, if you ever feel stuck in life or like it’s time for a change, give yourself permission to recalibrate, reflect on how you want to change things, and iterate until you feel more aligned.
If you’re ready to take control of your self-worth and embark on a journey to connect to your unconditional worthiness, I invite you to join the next cohort of the Unconditionally Worthy Group Coaching Program, starting April 17th, 2023. Visit https://www.unconditionallyworthy.com/program to learn more and apply!
This episode was produced by Crys & Tiana.
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