Navigating the Challenges & Opportunities of Midlife with Julie Artis

May 23

Written By Adia Gooden

— EPISODE 83 —

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Julie Artis [00:00:00] For many people when they hit midlife, they realize I could be doing anything I want. I do not have to follow the rules, path and socialization that I grew up with. I am compelled in many ways to actually, not to de-socialize myself, but to come back home to myself instead.
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Dr. Adia Gooden [00:00:30] Welcome to the Unconditionally Worthy Podcast. In this podcast, I will guide you on your journey to connect with the true source of your self-worth. Each week we'll discuss barriers to unconditional self-worth, the connection between self-worth and relationships, self-worth practices you can apply to your life. And how to use self-worth as a foundation for living courageously. I'm your host, Dr. Adia Gooden, a licensed clinical psychologist, dance enthusiast, and a dark chocolate lover who believes deeply that you are worthy unconditionally.
Hello and welcome to another episode of the Unconditionally Worthy Podcast. I have a very insightful and thoughtful episode that I'm bringing to you today. My guest name is Julie Artis, and we actually met back in the day when I was in graduate school. She was a committee member on my master's thesis, and now we're both in this world of coaching. She's still in academia, but she coaches women in their midlife on up-leveling their careers. And we really have a thoughtful and insightful conversation about midlife and the challenges that come within that midlife and the opportunities that come. And if you are listening and you are in midlife, you are certainly going to find this incredibly valuable. And if you are not in midlife, you are also going to want to listen to this episode because a lot of what we talk about relates to life transitions and all of the things that can come up, all of the opportunities that we have when we are going through any given life transition. So it's a really thoughtful and insightful conversation, and I know you are going to get so much out of it. So let's get into the show.
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I am really excited to welcome, Julie Artis onto the podcast today. Julie is a published expert on women's work and midlife transitions. She has 10 years of coaching experience and has been teaching at the university level for over 25 years. That's actually how we know each other. And Julie is grateful to help professional women who want to up-level their career and life so they can confidently share their unique awesomeness with their families and the world. Personally, Julie is embracing her fifties as a divorced mom of two great and yes, sometimes infuriating teens. Her own midlife story is still in progress, but every day she makes progress in becoming more and more herself. When she's not teaching or coaching, she's an avid, maybe obsessive maker who taught herself to knit, sew and weave. Recently she started to dabble in woodworking and vegetable gardening. So Julie and I know each other because when I was a graduate student at DePaul, she was a committee member on my master's thesis. So we had to get somebody who's not in our department to be on our committee. And I think my advisor, Susan McMahon.
Julie Artis [00:03:32] Yes.
Dr. Adia Gooden [00:03:33] Recommended Julie. And are you in the sociology department?
Julie Artis [00:03:38] I'm in sociology. Yeah.
Dr. Adia Gooden [00:03:39] Yeah, yeah, yeah. So Julie was in the sociology department. My master's thesis was on attitudes and affiliations with gangs for African American adolescents. So anyway, Julie agreed graciously because she didn't know me, to be on my committee. And then, we've like reconnected on LinkedIn all of these years later and it's so fun to kind of connect around our outside of academia lives.
Julie Artis [00:04:05] Totally. It's so funny because I remember, you have a unique name. And so I remember seeing your name and being like I remember what room we were in. I remember what you wore. I remember-
Dr. Adia Gooden [00:04:19] Oh wow.
Julie Artis [00:04:20] That you gave a really good presentation. You gave a great presentation.
Dr. Adia Gooden [00:04:23] Thanks.
Julie Artis [00:04:24] So it is not surprising to me that you have a podcast and you're speaking in public and doing all this, it's so exciting to reconnect.
Dr. Adia Gooden [00:04:35] Aw, thank you. I'm I have no idea what I was wearing, but I'm glad it was memorable. So I'd love to start our conversation where I start all of our conversations with guests on the podcast, which is by asking you to share a little bit about your own self-worth journey.
Julie Artis [00:04:53] Oh boy. Wow. Self-worth journey. So I think, a lot of the way that I got self-worth as a child and into young adulthood was through being good in school, right? I was a good student. I knew how to get good grades. I got into a great university. I got into a great PhD program. I mean, I was like climbing that ladder, like nobody's business without any trouble. I got a tenure track job right out of PhD. So there's a lot of these like externally recognized sort of markers that were external to me and to my inside self. That was how I felt I was worth something and on the right track. And then I got tenure and had kids and became chair of my department. And somewhere within this five-year period in my late thirties, early forties, all of that went to hell.
Right? So, I don't know, the external thing wasn't working anymore. Especially as chair of a department where you're supposed to be leading, inspiring, but also holding people accountable for their work. And I found that incredibly uncomfortable as somebody who had relied for the most part on external markers of my own self-worth. So that began a long journey of my forties and my early fifties. But until now of starting to shift my identity more inward and rely a little bit more on me, on who am I, who are all the parts of me being willing to show all of the parts of me and not just segment them, right? Because I think what sometimes happens is if you're not truly feeling worthy, you start, I'm just going to show my academic crowd this part and my family this part. And I think in midlife that often regularly falls apart.
Dr. Adia Gooden [00:07:19] Yeah. Yeah. Well, thank you for sharing that because I think a lot of people will resonate with your experience. I resonate with it. For me, it sort of like fell apart sooner, but I think will resonate with the like, I followed all the things. I did all of the things.
Julie Artis [00:07:37] Right.
Dr. Adia Gooden [00:07:38]And then you get to this sort of breaking point where it's no longer working, right? And chair of the department, everybody's no longer going to just think you're always doing an amazing job, right?
Julie Artis [00:07:49]Yeah.
Dr. Adia Gooden [00:07:50] In that type of role, people are going to be upset with you. You're going to have to make some decisions that people don't like, right? Like it pulls you out of the like, just do a good job and get the grade and get the whatever.
And so it makes sense that at that sort of leadership role where you think you're sort of at this ideal, you've made it to this place, that that's when it sort of falls apart. And I also appreciate you sharing the compartmentalizing like I will manage how other people see me because I don't trust that if they saw all of me, they would still love me, accept me, approve of me. So I'm going to hide these feelings or hide this part of me and just sort of show a little bit, show just enough. But yeah, it makes sense that as you get sort of into more of living, right? That it just like wouldn't work like that. It would be exhausting to keep it up, that it would feel unfulfilling, that it would feel frustrating and it makes sense that that's a place where you're like okay, I got to do something different. Will you talk about what it's looked and felt like for you to start making a shift and start doing something different?
Julie Artis [00:09:05] Oh, sure. Let's see. So after I was chair for five years I had an opportunity to move into central administration at DePaul, Enrollment Management and Marketing. Still doing some nerdy data stuff, but more focused on student success and some operations side of things. Making sure students got the classes they need when they got them. This was awesome for me because it wasn't really a managerial role, but I'm one of those people and I've come to learn that this is one of my strengths. I'm a good translator in between, like if you think about a typical university at the academic faculty side versus the administrative what faculty would call being counterside, right?
So like I was able to like sort of consistently translate back and forth and communicate and build this bridge between these two sides, two greater and lesser success in different ways and all of that. But I did that for several years and that was really the beginning of me defining or leaning into what I realized hadn't really quite got there before that I was good at, right? And so that was a big deal for me at work. I also had a great boss who really let me, I had something I was working on, but then he involved me in other projects and then I would work on those. And I just feel like I was able to do these different projects that I was super interested in.
But I was able to do them in a team and with a very clear sort of benefit that was constant to the students in the university. And I really, really enjoyed that. Personally around the same time I went through a divorce. And so of course that is like talk about shaking things up in midlife, right? That was a huge change and a huge identity shift that I had to go through as well. I started leaning more on friends and specific friends and really trying to hone in on people that really resonated with me and who I was becoming as a result of this major change in my personal life. And it was hard. I mean, I was separated then got divorced, then had a dear friend pass away from cancer.
And then Covid hit one year, 17, 18, 19, 20. And, which also corresponds politically with not a happy moment in our country and it's just been a real rollercoaster, not just for me, but for everyone. And at the same time that all this stuff is happening up here and all this external stuff is like it's creating all these like internal shifts for me inside. And having to get really, really clear on what mattered to me, right? Having to make decisions about where I would live, my kids, like how I was going to navigate things with my ex and how my family would look moving forward. How we would work together as co-parents, you know? So there was a lot of change personally and professionally for me in that sort of last five years of my forties and then the pandemic hit and then I was like this is great. I can work from home, craft a lot, you know what I mean?
Get into all kinds of trouble, like just doing my own thing. I don't know, I felt like in some sense, I mean, it was obviously so stressful and so terrifying and so horrifying in many ways. But I'm an introvert and I like to do things around the house and I kind of leaned into that and I'd always wanted to have a garden. And so I was like if I'm going to have a garden, this is the summer to have a garden. I mean, since grad school, I had a book about gardening and I'd never had a garden. Since I was a two-year-old, I wanted to have a dog, never had a dog.
Dr. Adia Gooden [00:14:03] Oh wow.
Julie Artis [00:14:04] Got a Covid dog in October of 20, right? And so there were these little things that I started doing that on the outside might not seem like that big of a deal, but that internally to me were like these me expressing outward as opposed to people pushing inward.
Dr. Adia Gooden [00:14:26] Yeah. I mean, it sounds like all of the change and the challenges that you were going through personally was first of all very clarifying, right? It's like this force clarity because it's okay, we got to figure out what really matters. And then the pandemic with all its challenges allowed you the space and the slowness to lean into some of the things that you've probably just been putting off. Because there wasn't enough time, there wasn't enough, you know what I mean? You had the commute or you had whatever, and so like allowed you to say, well, what do I want to do at this time if I'm not commuting? Or I don't have to be in office or I'm getting my work done more efficiently or whatever. And I think it's wonderful that you were able to sort of lean into that and say, well, this is what I want. I want a dog, I want a garden, I want these things. Because I think the other thing that the pandemic did do is just okay, we got to live now, right? It sort of connected us more clearly to our mortality and the reality of our mortality, the truth of it. And like okay, we got to do this now. Not five years from now, not one day, but let's create the time and the space to kind of live the life we want to live now.
Julie Artis [00:15:44] Yeah. And I think the other thing was that it was the pandemic and the space, but it was also that I was single, right? So I didn't have this other person living in the house to sort of influence how I was going to be spending that time. And I mean, that would've been in a good marriage or a bad marriage or whatever. I think it just like living together that much if I had still been married, would've brought up similar issues. But I do think that there is this kind of bizarre gift of having to go figure out what I wanted to do with that time not me with somebody else.
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Dr. Adia Gooden [00:16:30] Real talk. The relationship that you probably neglect the most is actually the most important relationship in your life. I'm talking about your relationship with yourself. Your relationship with yourself is the foundation of your life. When your relationship with yourself is riddled with self-criticism, you play small, you settle for toxic relationships, and you'll struggle to take care of yourself. In contrast, when you build a healthy relationship with yourself, you will go to bed at night feeling good about yourself and what you've accomplished for the day. You'll feel energized in the morning and ready to confidently pursue your goals knowing you got this. You'll tell yourself it's not the end of the world when you make a mistake instead of obsessing about it for days on end. And you'll know exactly how to take care of yourself so that it feels good on the inside and out. This is exactly the reality that my course, Date Yourself: 4 Weeks to a Healthy Relationship With You, helps you to create. This course guides you step by step to get rid of self-criticism, practice self-compassion, and take good care of yourself so you can finally get the love and respect you deserve. To learn more and enroll now, go to https://www.unconditionallyworthy.com/dateyourself
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I guess I'm curious about whether there are some things that come up for people in midlife that sort of force us to sort of look at what do I really want, right? You probably, maybe, maybe not like we're having kids later and later these days, but you probably don't have, I have an eight-month-old it's very demanding of my time, right? So I don't have as much to be like well, what should I do in my free time, right? There's not really that space right now, but I know that as my daughter gets older, right? Like there will be more space. I wonder if some of your expertise is coaching women in midlife, but I wonder if you think that there are things that midlife brings up that sort of like causes people to sort of face and look at like-
Julie Artis [00:18:45] For sure.
Dr. Adia Gooden [00:18:47] How they're living, what they really want in a way that's different in other developmental stages. And I'd love for you to just talk a little bit about that.
Julie Artis [00:18:56] Oh, absolutely. Sure, there's a wonderful essay, Brene Brown about this, where she talks, I forget what it's called on midlife. It's very short. It's on her website. It's not in any of her books, but it is this reckoning when you realize you're halfway through your life. And when you said the pandemic brings you closer to mortality when you get into your late forties, you're also brought closer to your mortality. Not just because you're thinking about your own, but because suddenly you have friends who start to get ill, right? Or you lose a parent which brings you closer to understanding that this is life is about these cycles of life and death. You're absolutely right. My kids at the beginning of the pandemic, it's so funny. They were ninth grade and seventh grade, and I remember getting them in the kitchen and being like I will make dinner and I will get whatever you want for breakfast and lunch, but I am not making them.
They learned how to do laundry over the pandemic, you know what I mean? It was a very interesting time, but you're right. Having a little one under five doesn't allow for that time and space. So yeah, I had my kids a little bit later, but now I have a senior and a sophomore in high school, and there is this open time. And coincidentally for me, that happened at the moment of my divorce when, oh, I can leave my kids by themselves and go do something with friends. I don't have to arrange for childcare. It was almost exactly the same time and so what's weird for me is I have a hard time parsing those two things out because they happened at the same time for me, I was completely maxed out.
I mean, not just with sort of a troubled situation in the marriage, but like maxed out just from work and kids and just having all kinds of things going on. We always needed a sitter or somebody to pick them up. And then this sort of year of transition with a divorce and then this odd sense of freedom and having time. And I think you're absolutely right that those moments that are either, I mean, we know a lot from the sociology and social psychology research about the impact of transitions, right? So if we think about transitions as being major markers in people's lives midlife serves them up and a lot, right? So you might have empty nest, divorce, death of a parent, death of a sibling. I mean, it goes on and on and on.
And with all of those, there's like layered stressors. There's work stressors too that are aside that. And I think it becomes this moment of what am I going to do and not going to do anymore? So there's this stress component, but then there is this component of having a little bit more time, I think if you've had children. And so you have to, but then you're also, you are facing mortality either because, I mean, for me it was because I had lost a really, really dear friend, she was 49, and I just thought, what am I doing? What am I doing from now and here on out? And I think the years since then, including the years in the pandemic, which only amplified that and some of the changes that I've made and the practices I've engaged in and the things that I'm working on are explicitly about that new North star in a sense.
Dr. Adia Gooden [00:23:10] Yeah. I think one of the things that's coming up for me as you share is in a culture that avoids the fact that we age, right? And is sort of obsessed with looking younger, appearing younger, right? We live in an ageless culture where aging isn't seen as you grow, you have more wisdom. It's not seen as valuable as it's seen as like avoid it, don't show it, hide it, right? And there's not really, I think, thoughtful conversations that happen in the public sphere about how do you age gracefully. What are the different challenges that you might be experiencing? How do you move into a different stage with gratitude and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. That I imagine so many people when they're entering midlife, sort of as you're sharing, are really caught off guard by all that it brings up and kind of don't know where to turn or how to navigate, right?
We have this, oh, they're having a midlife crisis. They're having a midlife crisis, right? That's really the only way you hear midlife it's like a midlife crisis, right? But we don't talk about well, what's behind it? What might cause someone to have sort of a crisis of identity or oh my gosh, everything's going to hell. Or I'm no longer happy in this career that I've spent two decades building or whatever, right? And it's like it's all of these things that you're mentioning, but because we don't talk about it, people are caught off guard and then overwhelmed and in a crisis instead of okay, I'm experiencing new challenges as I navigate this new phase and stage of my life. Because as you're saying, there's not really clear markers of the transition of okay, now you're entering this phase of midlife, right? Like there's sort of clearer markers of you turn 18, you turn 21, right? Like you get married. Like there's these sort of other things, but I feel like midlife is sort of when does it happen? When is it happening?
Julie Artis [00:25:22] Right. But I think that's exactly what it is. So I think for many people when they hit midlife, they realize I could be doing anything I want. I do not have to follow the rules, path and socialization that I grew up with. I'm compelled in many ways to actually, not to desocialize myself, but to come back home to myself instead, right? So that I'm actually really paying attention to what I want, not what society tells me I should want. And so you're right, there's both a lack of external guidance, but I also think that, as you were talking, I'm like no, no, no, no. But that's what it's all about. That's part of the crisis is that there are no guideposts. There are only choice points that are scary because they involve paths that may not have been trodden before. And they're scary because it means, do I still belong if I follow this kind of calling that I'm really feeling pulled toward, this is what I need to be doing.
Dr. Adia Gooden [00:26:47] Yeah.
Julie Artis [00:26:48] Am I going to, what am I going to lose? Like financially, socially, I mean family wise and status wise, I mean, it could be all of the above, identity wise. I'm still a professor I'm still at the university and I'm working on this coaching which has been amazing. And I do feel like is my second chapter calling, but that's a little scary for me to even say publicly, right? Because I have invested all this time in this career. I do love a lot of the work that I've done and that my colleagues have done in sociology. I love it as a topic. And I feel like it's time for me to apply that in a different arena. Like just this conversation about midlife is like making my brain explode.
Dr. Adia Gooden [00:27:45] Wheel explode.
Julie Artis [00:27:46] Right? Because it is basically an intellectual conversation about one's life course and where there are clear markers and where there are not, and then how that intersects with each individual person. And then what happens? And then see now I'm thinking even bigger, like-
Dr. Adia Gooden [00:28:05] I love it.
Julie Artis [00:28:06] Do we not have something about midlife? Because on average we died younger hundred years ago. So there was in effect no midlife, there was adulthood and then death. Like we skipped the midlife part, right? So there's no actual definition for it. So, I don't know. I think there's some interesting questions that this all brings up and is why people feel so in crisis and empty in many ways at this moment. Yeah.
Dr. Adia Gooden [00:28:36] Yeah. And you said this, which is people are scared of what they're going to lose. And I think that's true. And I think it's so important to be honest about like yeah, you may lose approval, acceptance, you may lose identity role. And I think the biggest loss is losing yourself, right? And I think that's what we have to help people have in perspective, right? You might lose some of these external things that you worked so hard for that you thought were going to, in my world, make you feel worthy, that you thought were going to make you happy. And you're now at a period where you're looking around and you're saying, this doesn't make me happy. This doesn't make me feel worthy, this doesn't fulfill me, and what am I going to do, right? And so there is sort of like, yeah, you can keep doing it, right?
And then you won't lose and other people will be happy because you're not rocking the boat, you're not changing how you show up in their lives. But what you may really lose is yourself and what you want and what you need. And I think the challenge is that people often fear that if they focus and prioritize themselves, that's selfish. I think especially women, right? Like that's the-
Julie Artis [00:29:49] Of course.
Dr. Adia Gooden [00:29:50] Sort of lie that we've been sold. But the truth is that when you focus on yourself, it actually better enables you to show up for other people, right? To show up as a mom, as a partner to show up, you know?
Julie Artis [00:30:04] Absolutely.
Dr. Adia Gooden [00:30:05] As a parent, to show up in your job, right? It actually is the best foundation for showing up and not showing up while you're overextending yourself and overdoing it and burning out and getting irritated and resentful and all these things but showing up in a way that actually feels invigorating and exciting and impactful.
Julie Artis [00:30:30] Yeah. No, it's so true. It's the same thing. Even when I think about going through my divorce, I remember worrying that deciding to go ahead and separate and get divorced because we were actually had a fairly amicable split and everything like that, that maybe we should just stay together for a few more years for the kids. I don't know, there was some conversation about that. And it's the same thing with my job. Maybe I should keep working, for a few more. Maybe I should put this dream of coaching women to become confident in their careers, in their leadership roles and their lives and their families, and take these kinds of essentially courageous steps toward themselves becoming more of who they really are and owning that they are worthy. Not because somebody else says that it's true, but because it is true.
Dr. Adia Gooden [00:31:24] Yes.
Julie Artis [00:31:25] Because they are worthy. We're all worthy, right? We're all worthy. There's no condition for worthiness as we are taught. So I feel like one of the difficult questions there is, and something that I've learned a lot from one of my favorite podcasts, which is of course the Glennon Doyle, Amanda Doyle, We Can Do Hard Things Podcasts, where she talks a lot about, if my child were in the same situation that I'm in, my daughter specifically what would I want for them? Would I want them to stay in a situation where they're not a hundred percent happy? Would I want them to keep working at a job that didn't, like to defer and put away a dream? Absolutely not but then we do it to ourselves.
Dr. Adia Gooden [00:32:23] Right.
Julie Artis [00:32:23] Right?
Dr. Adia Gooden [00:32:24] Right.
Julie Artis [00:32:25] And I'm like what is that about? I've thought about that just over and over and over again through these years because it does seem selfish, right? Sometimes you hear the voice like what are you doing? And I think really it's about learning to love yourself and give yourself the permission to follow your own heart or your own path in the same way that you would want your children to do. And so you're setting an example. And that's what I hope I'm able to do. I mean, of course my teenagers are like you're starting a podcast. Nobody listens to podcasts anymore. I'm like, you're 16 and 18 pipe down, pipe down. You know what I mean?
Dr. Adia Gooden [00:33:27] And not my target audience.
Julie Artis [00:33:29] Yeah. You are totally not my target audience. It was so fun. But no, but seriously, it is about wanting to demonstrate for them that it doesn't matter how old you are, right? You can change.
Dr. Adia Gooden [00:33:50] Yeah. I love that. Because, I get people who come to me and they say I feel embarrassed that I am 40, 50, 60, whatever, and I'm still struggling with self-worth challenges. I feel like I should have figured it out by now. And it's like how, right? We don't live in a culture that affirms that you are unconditionally worthy at all. Who would have taught you? How would you have figured it out on your own? That's why I'm so passionate about like what I teach and coach and share on because there aren't models for this, right? And usually often people have to go through the trying all the other external things before they're even ready to say, okay, this isn't working. Let me look at something different. Let me figure out how to, as Brene Brown says, belong to myself, let me figure out how to own my own worth.
Because these other things, they're not working. And I think that this sort of period is such a great time to be looking at it. And it's also I think also we're talking about, it's like when you have the space, the mental and emotional space, because as we know, right? Like we talk about Maslow's hierarchy of needs, but when you're struggling for shelter or financial support or all of these things, you don't have the space to consider what is it that I truly desire and what life would I like to create, right? That's just not-
Julie Artis [00:35:11] Exactly.
Dr. Adia Gooden [00:35:12] Like where you're able to consider.
Julie Artis [00:35:18] It's a privilege question to ask. Yeah, that's right. It's a privilege.
Dr. Adia Gooden [00:35:23] Yes. Yes.
Julie Artis [00:35:24] It's a privilege to be able to do that.
Dr. Adia Gooden [00:35:26] Yes. I agree.
Julie Artis [00:35:28] Yeah.
Dr. Adia Gooden [00:35:30] I would love for you to share, so for people listening who are you know what, I do want to start making some shifts. Maybe it's making shifts in their career, making shifts in their life to be more sort of centered with what they want to be. You use this term to uplevel their career and I'm assuming/pretty sure I know that doesn't mean you're just going to work harder, right? Like where you're just going to work for more people's approval.
Julie Artis [00:35:51] Oh, right.
Dr. Adia Gooden [00:35:52] But I'd love for you to share, what does that look like? What wisdom do you have for people who are like yeah, I do want to use this opportunity for where I am in my life reflecting and wanting to make some shifts. How do you encourage people to start to do that?
Julie Artis [00:36:12] Well, I think there's a few different ways to start. And it's interesting. I have this amazing group of friends from college. There are 10 of us, and we've stayed in touch for over 30 years. And in fact, I'm going to get to see them in a week and a half. Yeah. Most of them are on the East Coast. There's one here in Chicago with me. But during the pandemic, we Zoomed every other week and it just-
Dr. Adia Gooden [00:36:34] Oh, wow.
Julie Artis [00:36:35] Or every week I guess, because we had nothing else to do. And it kind of made us all closer. And I don't know, one of the things that I'm realizing, because we all graduated the same year. We all turned 50 during the pandemic. And so I'm realizing that there are people that they're in their work and they're happy enough, right? And it's because they have these other parts of their life that really turn them on, right? One of my friends is happy with her work and she loves traveling, so she travels all the time with her family. And another friend is an empty nester. So it's the same thing, right? Just using this as an opportunity. So these are people that I would not define as having gone through a crisis and maybe they were closer to their own sense of self than I was.
And so I kind of say that at the outset because I don't think that everyone goes through, well, first off midlife crisis. Look it up, psychologist. There's a little article. It came from this psychologist in the sixties, a male psychologist who studied a handful of male creatives and then came up with this-
Dr. Adia Gooden [00:37:59] Interesting.
Julie Artis [00:38:00] Idea that the stage that they went through and he termed it a midlife crisis. But then it caught, right? So for me, I think yes, midlife has its challenges and crises and some people are closer to their own worth and who they are already. And maybe it's because they went through it younger. Maybe it was because their family of origin is different. Maybe it was that the job that they happened to get happens to match up really well with their identity and what they're passionate about. And then there are others who really aren't. So I think one thing, the first thing is who are you? Like where are you on that continuum of like, and it's almost like I would take stock of all the different areas of your life, family, work, finances, where you live, are you stimulated intellectually? Kind of like where is it that you really feel depleted or that things aren't working as well.
So I usually only get people coming to me when they're really not happy with some form of something in their life, right? So it could be they're burnt out because they've been working too much and they need help with that. It could be they're really wanting to totally switch careers. It could be that they want to go for a promotion, so there's all different, or make a lateral move. They're worried because they haven't put together a resume in 20 years. Like how that's going to work and everything. So I think the kinds of questions that people should ask themselves is to start there. Am I really in a moment where I feel like I need assistance and help? And the second thing is if people are okay, like I feel like I don't have a passion because I think that's where, like there's all this general stuff out there about I don't know what my purpose is.
I feel like I don't have a passion project and I get where that's coming from. But I think it's so vague in the culture. Or the sort of, I don't know, self-improvement kind of arenas that it's really, really important to pin that down, right? So there's a few different ways to do that. There are two I'll mention here that I've used to great success with different people that I've worked with. One of them that I did this myself and I feel like I manifested that enrollment management job. I took a piece of paper and I had written, read about this somewhere, but I marked it off four decades of my life in my, zero to 10, 10 to 20, 20 to 30, 30 to 40.
And I just wrote out like, what was I into? What were my passions? What did I love doing, right? Like what was my favorite book? What was my favorite movie? What was I obsessed with? I kind of have an obsessive kind of curious personality. And it didn't occur to me until I had put some of the pieces together that I really love this intersection between complicated things and communicating about complicated things. And so I think what can happen is you have this internal narrative that you tell about your path and then when you're ending up in this place where you're maybe not so happy, what can be really helpful is like going through photo books and really writing down what made you excited when you are at different stages of your life.
And then seeing if there's any patterns. Because there will be, I've done this before where people will be oh my God, in grad school, I used to volunteer to do A, B, C or X, Y, Z and I don't have any of that now in my job. And I was like but you could, you know? And so sometimes it's just about little things like that. So that's one. The other one is from the designer life folks where you spend a week kind of basically time tracking, but it's like instead of time tracking what your tasks are, you're noticing and writing it down when you feel like you are feeling excitement or passion or joy about something that you're doing. And then looking back like what is that? Could you build more of that in? Could you talk to your manager? Like if it's at work. Could you be assigned more of that thing? Could you be shifted a little bit so it doesn't even have to be a huge change? It could literally just be like really tuning in to what lights you up as opposed to thinking that you have to just follow this job description or you have to just follow this prescription that somebody had for your life.
Dr. Adia Gooden [00:43:24] I love that. I love the idea of a self-assessment, right? Like exploring one, your history. What if you've sort of lost touch with what lights you up? Like what used to, and do those things still light you up? Maybe some of them you're meh, not so much anymore. But some of them may be oh my gosh, I used to love doing that. And maybe you incorporate it. And then I also love the like, through your days, like are there pieces of the work you do or other things you spend your time on that are energizing and enlivening and invigorating? And I really think this is helpful because as you're saying, it doesn't have to be a big overhaul. I think so often we might think I've got to throw this whole thing away, right? None of my life works. And I think when we're really emotional and upset, it's like why? Like everything's going to shit or whatever, right? It just feels like none of it's working.
And the truth is usually everything isn't falling apart. It may feel that way, but if you can sort of slow down, like process the emotions, give yourself a moment, vent to a friend, like collect yourself, feel the feelings, and then take some time to reflect well what is working, right? Like get curious about what is working, not just what's not working because that is going to give you clues into what do you want to spend more time doing. And some of it may be yeah, like your friend who's like yeah, I'm not super into my career, but it's good enough and it allows me to travel. It funds my travel, so that's what I'm doing, right?
Julie Artis [00:44:53] That's right.
Dr. Adia Gooden [00:44:54] And so there's lots of different ways you can design or create your life, but you have to first spend the time to reflect and envision what it is that you want. And I think this what we're sort of talking about with this like midlife period, or anytime you get to where you're like what I have been doing is not working is that it's sort of this opportunity to reflect and reconsider what you want versus following the path that, your family, society, whoever has set forth for you and deciding, no, I want to go in this direction.
Julie Artis [00:45:28] Right. And also, and explicitly in terms of a partner or an employer asking for what you want.
Dr. Adia Gooden [00:45:39] Hmm. Hmm.
Julie Artis [00:45:40] How can you ask for what you want? And I have people coming to me that are terrified. They kind of know, and it's not, and I'm like you could totally ask for that. And then you know it takes a little while to work through that, right? But it is this thing of first identifying what you want and then having the courage to take some action toward that.
Dr. Adia Gooden [00:46:10] Yes.
Julie Artis [00:46:11] And those are two different things, right? Like figuring it out and then acting. And so I've been learning a lot about how to coach and help people in that second part in particular, like when I need to do something and I'm getting anxious and nervous about it. Like what are some ways that I can calm myself down? What are some self-soothing tools that I can use in the moment? As you were talking, I'm like what lights me up is learning new things. So I've been taking a class on coaching and neuroscience and-
Dr. Adia Gooden [00:46:56] I love it.
Julie Artis [00:46:57] Training, like rewiring neural networks and things like that. And that can be really effective in that courage and fear and so that when that comes up, because it's hard because this is the thing that you're meant to do. This is the thing, and then you hit a roadblock because I mean, it could be for many different reasons, but a lot of it is because we are socialized, especially as women and especially people of color to not need anything.
Dr. Adia Gooden [00:47:27] Right.
Julie Artis [00:47:28] To just go, just be quiet, do your thing and go on.
Dr. Adia Gooden [00:47:33] Right. And it's how could you ask for something.
Julie Artis [00:47:37] Right.
Dr. Adia Gooden [00:47:38]There's a dynamic of you should just be grateful to be here. How could you ask for a raise? How could you ask for it, that dynamic often plays out.
Julie Artis [00:47:45]To change your job description. Who are you to do this, right? Yeah.
Dr. Adia Gooden [00:47:51] But I love the self-soothing and all of those pieces.
Julie Artis [00:47:57] Yeah. Yeah.
Dr. Adia Gooden [00:47:58] Well, I really appreciate you taking the time to be here and to share your insights. I think they will be valuable for people who maybe are in midlife, and I also think they're valuable for people who are going through any life transition. And it's like whoa. What's this new phase of life and how am I going to navigate it, right? And so I really appreciate you sharing your own experience and sharing some tools that people can use and come away with, which I think are incredibly valuable. So thank you so much, Julie.
Julie Artis [00:48:32] It was such a fun conversation. This is also something that lights me up, talking to people about ideas like this, right? We're both, nerds unite. We'll just say it that way.
Dr. Adia Gooden [00:48:44] Yes, yes.
Julie Artis [00:48:45] Right?
Dr. Adia Gooden [00:48:46] I love it. Yes, absolutely.
Julie Artis [00:48:50] Well, thank you so much for having me. I really appreciate it.
Dr. Adia Gooden [00:48:53] You're so welcome. And where can people find you, right? So if people are oh my gosh, what she's talking about is exactly where I'm at or where I need, or I need her to be my coach. Where can people find you and learn more about what you do?
Julie Artis [00:49:06] So I think the best way to reach me is to email me at julie@julieartiscoaching.com. I think, Adia you guys have that information.
Dr. Adia Gooden [00:49:18] Yes.
Julie Artis [00:49:19] I also have a website. I'm just going to be switching it up a little bit. So that may be under construction. And I'm also on Instagram. I'm on LinkedIn. There should be links that these guys have. And I just started my own podcast last week, so I will hopefully be having Adia on that podcast. And that's called Her Leading Story and it's everywhere you can find podcasts. So it's been a really incredibly creative time for me, and I am just reflecting back on this conversation about how exciting it is to think through these things and to be of service to women and people who are in the midst of these kinds of transitions. So please reach out to me if you have any questions or want to have a conversation. I really appreciate being able to talk about everything that I'm passionate about on this podcast with you, Adia.
Dr. Adia Gooden [00:50:16] Yes, I love it. It's so good. And it is a service. I think it's really, really needed and as we've discussed, like not talked about enough. So thank you. And I'm happy to help get the word out and I appreciate you.
Julie Artis [00:50:29] Thank you so much.
Dr. Adia Gooden [00:50:30] I appreciate you and your time.
Julie Artis [00:50:32] Thank you. Take care.
[cheerful music starts]

Dr. Adia Gooden [00:50:36] Thanks for joining me this week on the Unconditionally Worthy Podcast. Make sure to visit my website, dradiagooden.com and subscribe to the show on iTunes so you'll never miss an episode. You can also follow me on social media at Dr. Adia Gooden. If you loved the show, please leave a review on iTunes so we can continue to bring you amazing episodes. Lastly, if you found this episode helpful and know someone who might benefit from hearing it, please share it. Thanks for listening and see you next episode.
[cheerful music ends]
This episode was produced by Crys & Tiana and the music is by Wataboi.
Cali by Wataboi https://soundcloud.com/wataboi
Creative Commons — Attribution 3.0 Unported — CC BY-SA 3.0
Music promoted by FDL Music https://youtu.be/ZdQI7WQWi_g

Are you currently navigating midlife or curious about what midlife will be like for you? Let me first tell you, it’s not full of crises! Midlife is actually a beautiful, transformative time that can enable you to live a life full of curiosity, passion, wisdom, and above all, FUN.

In this episode of Unconditionally Worthy, I welcome Julie Artis, PhD, a Leadership and Career Coach for women who want to up-level their career and life so that they can confidently share their unique awesomeness with their families and the world. Julie is a published expert on women's work and women’s midlife transitions.

Listen in as Julie and I shine light on the challenges and opportunities that come up during midlife and how we can navigate them with a strong sense of self-worth and openness to change. Julie breaks down three powerful midlife challenges and opportunities we have as women, along with advice on how you can start making changes in midlife to live a more fulfilled, joyful life.

Whether or not you’re in midlife, you’re certainly going to find this episode helpful and inspiring.

Julie starts by sharing how her divorce and the pandemic shook up her midlife, impacted her identity, and shifted her mindset on what’s really important in life. She started gardening, got a dog, and started learning crafts like sewing and weaving, all things she had wanted to do since she was a young girl.

When women enter midlife, there’s this reckoning that brings you closer to your mortality. You have more time and less time. You might lose a parent or friend, loved ones start getting ill, and you see first-hand how our time here on Earth is made up of these cycles of life and death.

Life is also full of transitions. Like Julie says, midlife serves them up… a lot! You might experience an empty nest, divorce, death of a parent, death of a sibling, career pivots, and the list goes on. These transitions spark questions like, what am I doing? How am I spending my time? What will the rest of my life look like? From these questions, a new north star can be born, if we let it.

Let’s be honest… We live in an ageist culture where aging isn’t seen as valuable or welcomed. Aging is hidden, avoided, and prevented at all costs. There aren’t many thoughtful conversations about how we can move through life and through these midlife transitions with grace, gratitude, and even pure excitement. This leaves many of us to fear the midlife stage and to be caught off guard when we don’t know how to navigate the challenges and opportunities midlife brings us.

So, let’s explore some of these challenges and opportunities.

The Challenges & Opportunities of Midlife:

In midlife, there’s a lack of external guidance. You no longer have to follow the rules, path, or socialization that you grew up with. The world is truly your oyster, which means you have the opportunity to listen to what you want, instead of what others want.
You might lose some of the external things you’ve worked so hard for - acceptance, approval, identity, role, wealth - that you thought might make you worthy, and you’re now realizing those things don’t make you feel happy, worthy, and fulfilled. So, what are you going to do then? We think there’s an opportunity there for you to focus on yourself, become more of who you really are, and learn to own your worthiness.
If you have children in midlife, you might be growing apart, but you can still demonstrate to them that it doesn’t matter how old you are, you can change. You can start a new career, pick up a new hobby, travel the world, embark on a self-worth journey, whatever it is you feel called to do in your time.

How to Start Making Changes in Your Midlife:

Identify where you are in life. Take stock of where you feel depleted and where things aren’t working well.
Prioritize areas of life that turn you ON. Start prioritizing friendships, travel, hobbies, spirituality, learning new things, etc. It may help to look back on each decade of your life and see what lit you up in each stage. There will be patterns and insights you can use to jazz up your life right now and into the future.
Write down when you feel excitement, passion, or joy in your daily life. How can you implement more of that into your life? These can be small changes or big ones - the choice is yours!
Reconsider and ask for what YOU want, instead of what your family, partner, or employer wants.
Enlist individual support and/or community support. The older we get, the more connection we need. Hire a coach, join a group, start therapy, or simply talk to a friend about your midlife challenges and opportunities. You never know how it could change your life!

Resources Mentioned:

Enroll in the Date Yourself Course - 4 Weeks to a Healthy Relationship With You: www.unconditionallyworthy.com/dateyourself

Read “The Midlife Unraveling” by Brene Brown: https://brenebrown.com/articles/2018/05/24/the-midlife-unraveling

Listen to Glennon Doyle’s We Can Do Hard Things Podcast: http://wecandohardthingspodcast.com

About Julie Artis (she/her):

Julie Artis, PhD, is a published expert on women's work and women’s midlife transitions. She has 10 years of coaching experience and has been teaching at the university level for over 25 years. Julie helps professional women who want to up-level their career and life so that they can confidently share their unique awesomeness with their families and the world. Personally, she is embracing her 50s as a divorced mom of two great (and yes, sometimes infuriating) teens. Her own midlife story is still in progress, but every day she makes progress in becoming more and more HER. When she’s not teaching or coaching, she’s an avid (obsessive? :) ) maker who taught herself to knit, sew, and weave. Recently, she started to dabble in woodworking and vegetable gardening.

To connect further with Julie Artis:

Visit her website: http://julieartiscoaching.com

Email her: julie@julieartiscoaching.com

Listen to her podcast, Her Leading Story: https://apple.co/3NvSpZB

Follow her on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/drjulieartis/

Connect with her on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/julieartiscoaching

Connect with her on LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/julieartiscoaching

This episode was produced by Crys & Tiana.

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