How Limiting Beliefs Limit Your Life with Jennifer Standish
— EPISODE 93 —
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[cheerful music starts]
Dr. Adia Gooden [00:00:21] Welcome to the Unconditionally Worthy Podcast. In this podcast, I will guide you on your journey to connect with the true source of your self-worth. Each week we'll discuss barriers to unconditional self-worth, the connection between self-worth and relationships, self-worth practices you can apply to your life. And how to use self-worth as a foundation for living courageously. I'm your host, Dr. Adia Gooden, a licensed clinical psychologist, dance enthusiast, and a dark chocolate lover who believes deeply that you are worthy unconditionally.
UWP Ep 94 with Jennifer Standish Transcript
Adia Gooden (00:03.918)
I'm excited to have Jennifer Standish as my guest on today's podcast. Jennifer is an author and personal transformation expert. She is an author of Permission Granted, Live Your Life Full of Joy and Peace, a book in which she shares 91 self-limiting beliefs.
that as a result of being raised by a narcissistic mother and an enabling father, she learned growing up and realized as an adult that she needed to change to be happy. She is also the founder and president of Give Yourself Permission, which helps women create new rules for their lives so they can overcome limiting attitudes that prevent them from achieving career success and finding happiness.
I'm so excited to have you here on the podcast, Jennifer. Welcome.
Jennifer Standish (00:55.195)
Thank you so much. I'm excited to be here.
Adia Gooden (00:58.314)
Awesome. So I'd love to start our conversation where I start all of the conversations I have with guests, which is by asking you to share a bit about your own self-worth journey.
Jennifer Standish (01:07.687)
Well, it was hard fought, for and won As you said, I was raised by a narcissist and an enabler, and I was her number one enemy. And so my older and younger sister got it much easier than I did. But what really ended up happening was I emerged from college a shell of a human being, where I had no.
Adia Gooden (01:09.73)
Mmm.
Adia Gooden (01:17.25)
Hmm.
Jennifer Standish (01:32.091)
I had no sense of awareness. I didn't know what I liked, what I didn't like, what I was good at. I was just this shell that was incredibly codependent and mirrored everybody in the room. So whatever you needed me to be, I was. And I got through college and I got through a couple of years into my career. And then I reached a point where I was kind of expected to have opinions at work and I had none.
Adia Gooden (01:36.674)
Hmm.
Adia Gooden (01:52.939)
Hmm.
Hmm
Jennifer Standish (01:56.135)
because I just repeated what I heard. I just mirrored everybody. And so I ended up having a nervous breakdown and was out of the workforce for about three years. And I went into therapy and I just said that I know two things about myself. I'm blonde and I like pizza. And that's it. That's all I got. And so that was the start of this constant exploration and lots of setbacks because I had to create this foundation.
Adia Gooden (01:59.33)
Hmm
Adia Gooden (02:03.203)
Hmm.
Adia Gooden (02:13.294)
Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
Jennifer Standish (02:26.123)
uh, you know, in order to build, you know, an amazing life on top of it, but I had no foundation and that takes, for me, it took close to 20 years to figure out who I was, what I liked, what I stood for. I mean, I had no moral code. I had nothing. I just was a shell. And so it really kind of took a long time and lots of mistakes. Like I said, it was, it was, it was hard one because it was mistake after mistake, after mistake, after mistake.
Adia Gooden (02:35.01)
Hmm
Adia Gooden (02:40.29)
Hmm.
Adia Gooden (02:49.874)
Mm-hmm.
Jennifer Standish (02:53.695)
Um, and then there were some significant breakups and then a significant, um, divorce that really, um, was transformative for me. And, um, I have to think that, um, the, when I got divorced in my, in my early forties, I crumbled, but as I was putting myself back together again, I put myself back together again in a way where I tell people it's like, it's like, I had no scar tissue.
Adia Gooden (03:03.938)
Hmm.
Adia Gooden (03:23.458)
Hmm
Jennifer Standish (03:24.475)
where before all my healing involved lots of scars and lots of like, you know, tough sort of moments, but I kind of emerged a completely different human being. And that's when I feel like I've arrived. I got this. I know who I am. I know what I want. I know what I like. I can make decisions that are in alignment with myself, but it took a lot of work and I try to help my clients.
Adia Gooden (03:29.294)
Hmm
Adia Gooden (03:35.843)
Hmm.
Adia Gooden (03:39.074)
Hmm
Jennifer Standish (03:52.607)
shortened that time frame. Like I don't want it to take 20 years for everyone, right? So if I can help them arrive at that place where they're confident in their skin and they know their core values and they're operating in alignment and they feel joy and peace, if we can do that in a much shorter period of time, God bless.
Adia Gooden (03:53.794)
Hmm...
Adia Gooden (04:14.211)
Mm-hmm. Yeah. Will you talk a little bit more about what it was about your divorce, what you experienced, what insights you gained during that time that helped you to transform in so much in such a radical way?
Jennifer Standish (04:32.519)
Can you repeat that again?
Adia Gooden (04:34.302)
Yeah, are you able to hear me?
Jennifer Standish (04:36.718)
You just popped out for a second.
Adia Gooden (04:38.538)
went out. Okay. So my question was, can you talk about what happened during the divorce that you think sort of transformed was so transformative for you?
Jennifer Standish (04:47.727)
Yeah, yeah. So my marriage ended in five minutes. We were, it was the greatest love affair. And what happened was he just decided that he wanted children and that he wanted to move home. He came from the Middle East and he wanted to move home and have a traditional marriage. But it was basically like the entire foundation of our marriage changed.
Adia Gooden (04:53.186)
Mmm.
Jennifer Standish (05:16.695)
in one conversation and it was, I think you just want to move home and have a traditional marriage and be with your family and have kids. And he kind of looked at me and was like, yeah. So I was like, all right, we're getting a divorce. And we separated with so much love. But what it did was it pulled the carpet out from underneath me and I just couldn't wrap my head around the idea that somebody could change that much. Like how did you not
Adia Gooden (05:17.059)
Mmm.
Adia Gooden (05:30.198)
Hmm
Adia Gooden (05:46.088)
Hmm.
Jennifer Standish (05:46.483)
about this. We discussed this at great lengths. There were assurances that we were going to live in the United States, it was going to be a modern marriage. There weren't going to be children in large, because he didn't want children. And then all of a sudden there was this massive flip. And so I felt like I was in a haze for about a year because we loved each other and we had a good marriage and we were really happy. And so it was just
Adia Gooden (06:02.892)
Hmm
Adia Gooden (06:09.698)
Hmm
Adia Gooden (06:14.53)
Mmm.
Jennifer Standish (06:16.331)
what, how did this happen? And so for about a year I was in this, this fog and I would be in the grocery store and I would just burst into tears and just be like, how can this happen? How did this happen? And then, and then I just through lots of soul searching, I really came to the understanding that people are allowed to change. And he changed and he had every right to change.
Adia Gooden (06:27.395)
Hmm.
Adia Gooden (06:39.33)
Hmm.
Jennifer Standish (06:44.167)
People change all the time. And I looked back at all of my relationships and I stayed in relationships that should have ended much sooner. I had this big thing about commitment and loyalty and you work things out. But those weren't in my best interests. Very often they weren't relationships that were worth salvaging, but I just thought somewhere along the line, I was gonna get an award for being committed, that I was gonna get points.
Adia Gooden (06:44.278)
Mm-hmm.
Adia Gooden (06:51.748)
Hmm.
Adia Gooden (06:56.578)
Hmm.
Adia Gooden (07:00.706)
Hmm
Adia Gooden (07:09.26)
Hmm.
Jennifer Standish (07:11.299)
where in fact there are no points and I should have done what my husband did, which was very quickly when he realized he said something and pulled out. And I said, well, God bless him for doing that because it saved me years. And I also realized that I can now change my mind, that when I enter into a relationship or enter into something,
Adia Gooden (07:22.478)
Mm-hmm.
Adia Gooden (07:33.826)
Hmm.
Jennifer Standish (07:38.483)
a job or whatever it is, some sort of engagement. If it no longer works for me, I am allowed to backpedal. You're allowed to do that. And so I learned how to be more self-sufficient and realize that, you know, as somebody said, you know, people, you really just borrow the people in your life. You know, there's no guarantee that you're going to have them forever. And nothing is forever. And so
Adia Gooden (07:44.298)
Hmm.
Adia Gooden (07:57.89)
Hmm.
Adia Gooden (08:03.307)
Mm-hmm.
Jennifer Standish (08:04.115)
take care of yourself. I made some pretty bad decisions about my future, you know, financially and stuff, being married. And so it was like, no, recognize that everything is on loan and be prepared for changes. And people as well as me may decide this is no longer right for me and I'm allowed to change my mind. And I think that...
Adia Gooden (08:15.19)
Hmm
Adia Gooden (08:26.333)
Mm-hmm. Hmm.
Jennifer Standish (08:29.859)
empowered me in such a way that I now approach life so much differently. And really, I decided to spend way more time on fostering relationships with my girlfriends and let romantic relationships kind of come in and out, you know, because they end and they begin and they end and they begin, but those girlfriends, I made them the focus of my life. And so, and,
Adia Gooden (08:41.75)
Hmm
Adia Gooden (08:46.844)
Mm-hmm.
Adia Gooden (08:51.602)
Mm-hmm. Yeah.
Jennifer Standish (08:57.207)
So lots of, lots of little decisions just have become so much easier because I wasn't committing to them forever.
Adia Gooden (09:06.178)
Mm-hmm. Yeah. Yeah, I love that. And I love kind of what you're saying about sort of prioritizing friendships. I feel like there has been more of a emphasis on that, at least in the social media world, right, like talking about friends as soulmates and these things, because I do think we often.
You know, we're in a society that fantasizes about romantic relationships and prioritizes them above all else. And really often it is your friends who are there with you through thick and thin, through decades, right? And those friendships deserve to be nurtured. And I also appreciate what you're saying about giving yourself permission to change your mind, right? Like that you don't have to sort of stay with the same decision, especially because...
whenever we're making a decision, we don't know everything, right? Like it's just, we know as much, hopefully as much as possible in that moment, but then you're gonna learn something else, right? Your experience is gonna teach you something else. You're gonna get more information. And so having the ability to change your mind and hopefully to do it with grace and thoughtfulness and all of those things, right? But being able to do that gives you this freedom. And I think it also helps because so often people are.
agonizing over making the right decision, right? Because it's so weighty and so heavy to make the right decision versus, what's the best decision for me right now, given the knowledge and information that I have? And then knowing as the situation evolves, as you evolve, you can make a new decision.
Jennifer Standish (10:40.859)
Right, absolutely. And you can make decisions that are based on what's best for you, and that changes what's best for you. And so, you know, and I can, and now I'm more comfortable making temporary decisions, you know, because I don't put as much weight on these decisions anymore. It's like, so I'm thinking of moving to North Carolina, and I found an apartment complex I wanna be in for that next home. It's not the home.
Adia Gooden (10:49.42)
Right.
Adia Gooden (10:56.116)
Hmm. Mm-hmm.
Jennifer Standish (11:10.627)
It's not my forever home, but it's fine for that next one. And then we'll see where we come out. Right? So yeah, it makes, you know, no decision is permanent. And we do, and we are afraid of making mistakes and we're, you know, all the self-limiting beliefs about perfectionism and things like that. Like all of that goes away when you realize that this is just for this particular moment in time. And when I learn more,
Adia Gooden (11:10.828)
Mm-hmm.
Adia Gooden (11:19.903)
Yes.
Adia Gooden (11:33.783)
Yeah.
Jennifer Standish (11:40.643)
and my life evolves and I evolve very, very fast. I've had nine careers. Like I have pivoted so many times. And so, you know, what's right for me now may not, what is right for me in the future? And I give myself permission to make changes.
Adia Gooden (11:45.527)
Hmm.
Adia Gooden (11:59.07)
Yeah, I love that. And I wonder you're mentioning bringing in the self-limiting beliefs. I'm wondering if this relates to self-limiting belief. And I'm wondering if you, you know, I know the book that you wrote has 91. So that's a lot. And I wonder if you could share sort of like the top three that you see most commonly in the women you work with or, you know, in society overall.
Jennifer Standish (12:22.319)
Right, so what I find most common is I'm not good enough. And people just feel very inadequate, unworthy, they self-doubt themselves, they lack confidence, and it can hold them back from pursuing their goals and dreams because they think their dreams are unattainable. And then there's the, and that's coupled with the fear of failure. I can't fail. And I have, so they live very small lives.
Adia Gooden (12:26.514)
Mmm.
Adia Gooden (12:40.974)
Mm-hmm.
Adia Gooden (12:44.834)
Hmm
Jennifer Standish (12:51.379)
They don't approach mistakes as learning opportunities. They, you know, it's like, I'm not gonna take any risks or try any new things, and I'm just gonna avoid big challenges, and they miss so much opportunity for growth. And then the idea of, I must please everyone. There's people pleasing, you know, and all of the foundational beliefs that we are given as children about what's true and not. All of that is tied to some.
Adia Gooden (12:56.433)
Mm-hmm.
Adia Gooden (13:07.264)
Hmm. Mm-hmm. Hmm.
Jennifer Standish (13:19.707)
their self-worth and that then can mean that they overextend themselves. They don't say no when they need to or they neglect their own needs and desires. I've had a lot, I've worked with a couple of women who have ended up near retirement and have said, I have never had the luxury of making a decision that just makes me happy. I've always had to consider what everybody else needed in my life.
Adia Gooden (13:41.198)
Hmm.
Adia Gooden (13:47.605)
Mmm.
Jennifer Standish (13:49.823)
I, the kids are out of school, the in-laws are there, you know, have made perhaps passed away. And now I have this, I'm in this situation that I've never been in before, and I don't know how to answer these questions. So, you know, I must please everyone, you know, is a huge one for women.
Adia Gooden (13:56.983)
Hmm
Adia Gooden (14:01.764)
Hmm.
Adia Gooden (14:10.086)
Yeah. I mean, all three of those resonate. I mean, I also are connected to things that I talk about as well, right? So not feeling good enough, not feeling worthy. My mind just blanked on the second one. I have to please everyone was the third one. And then the second one you said was, it was also very good. A Afraid of failure. Yes. So I had like a couple of thoughts. So related to the last one,
Jennifer Standish (14:23.404)
and I have to please everyone.
Jennifer Standish (14:29.251)
I'm afraid of failure.
Adia Gooden (14:38.45)
You know, it was making me think about, so I spent a lot of time in my 20s, agonizing about like trying to date people and finding the right partner and it's taking so long and when am I going to find them and will I ever find, wait, like there was just a lot of like stuff in there for me. Yes, energy and...
Jennifer Standish (14:57.381)
energy.
Adia Gooden (15:03.038)
I think what I missed and I see now, and it was highlighted when you were giving the example of a woman you worked with is that there was such a gift in not getting married until I was 30, how old was I? 35, 36. I'm like, I don't know, 36. I got married at 36, I think. I'm 38. It was two years ago. Yeah, that's right. My brain is working slow today. But...
Jennifer Standish (15:27.539)
I'm going to go to bed.
Adia Gooden (15:31.998)
there was such a gift in that, right? Because I had this whole decade plus, and because I have a good amount of privilege in that my parents are very self-sufficient, right? Like they have more money than me, they're doing very well. And I don't have like younger siblings or people that I'm like responsible for. And I didn't have kids yet, I have a child now, but I didn't, that I had this whole period of time where
I don't think I always did it because I was struggling with the self-worth stuff, but I could just make decisions about what I wanted to do, right? And like what I wanted to eat at night and where I wanted to go and how I wanted to spend my time on the weekends. And I see that, you know, it was such a gift to have that time to live alone without a partner, without kids, without, you know, being responsible for other people.
and to be able to construct my life and generally live my life in the way that I wanted. And I can see how the people who, you know, found a partner, got married, had kids at a younger age, or maybe had other family members who like depended on them didn't get that luxury of just a lot of life when you're young, you know, just doing what you wanna do. And I think that...
I wish that I knew that more. I wish I understood more when I was in that period that how much of a gift it was, because I think I enjoyed it, but I could have enjoyed it more.
Jennifer Standish (17:04.783)
Right, right. You know, that is the life of a single woman without children is that I have always been able to make decisions based on what I wanted. And I never, because I'm not in contact with my biological family, I was never forced to make mom happy or dad happier or any, you know, it was, it really has been a free for all. Now with that comes almost a paralysis of options because
Adia Gooden (17:10.842)
Mm-hmm.
Adia Gooden (17:25.45)
Mmm.
Adia Gooden (17:32.578)
Hmm.
Jennifer Standish (17:33.635)
You then have so many options, but if you are, but if you have low self-esteem and low sense of self-worth, you are not going to take advantage of that gift and really go and explore. And my fear was always retirement, was always having enough money and being very fiscally responsible when I really didn't need to. And I could have enjoyed life.
Adia Gooden (17:44.438)
Mm-hmm.
Adia Gooden (17:55.874)
Mmm.
Jennifer Standish (17:58.971)
and you know much more than I did because I was always concerned about not having a safety net. But no it is it's it I don't think either I mean one definitely allows more time for self exploration and self-development and you I think you can possibly live without you know as many regrets.
But then on the other hand, having that structure and having those responsibilities and stuff, in a way you can almost go on autopilot and life becomes very easy because you're not really making choices. You're just fulfilling obligations. And so in a way it can be an easier life because you're not, you're, you know, you're, well, if you are self-aware, then it's not easy, but you can kind of go on autopilot and just kind of.
Adia Gooden (18:40.187)
Hmm.
Adia Gooden (18:45.25)
Hmm
Adia Gooden (18:51.766)
Hehehehe
Jennifer Standish (18:54.631)
you know, show up and do what's required and not have to think about it.
Adia Gooden (18:57.19)
Yeah, yeah, yeah. The other thing that you said about sort of fear of failure or I can't fail, I mean, I think that's very real, right? Like I think we've all been on the precipice of failure or experience failure and it feels really bad, right? And then I think, you know, when we're in it, it's really hard to see beyond it. It feels like that's it.
life is over, this is over, you know, and then you get past and you're like, oh, it actually wasn't as big of a thing as I thought it was. But I think, you know, what comes to mind when failure is keeping people from trying or going for it is really that the biggest failure is not living full out and is not going for the chance, is not trying and being willing to fail. And I think, you know,
that comes through when you hear about interviews with people who are on their death beds, right? And what they're saying is, I regret not trying. I regret not going for this or that or spending time with the people, right? I regret not living life full out in whatever way, right? Like it may not have been a big shiny life but in whatever way that felt meaningful. And I think that we would all.
benefit from sort of seeing the actual big failure, the true failure, which is like looking back over your life and thinking, wow, I'd never got on the field. Like I just didn't play.
Jennifer Standish (20:24.719)
Right, right. Yeah, and you need, you need a, you have to be resilient. You know, you have to be able to bounce back. And once you realize that, that you can recover, you know, whatever ends up happening, you're gonna recover and you're gonna be fine. It makes the decisions easier because nothing becomes, nothing is catastrophic. But if you're living in fear,
and you're making every decision, every decision you make is fear-based, those decisions, and you don't feel resilient, then it is like, oh no, the stakes are so high, I'm not willing to take the risk for an outcome that I don't believe is even possible. So I'm gonna stay small and safe. But that is not fulfilling, it's not fun, it's not, you don't grow, you don't,
Adia Gooden (21:14.359)
Hmm
Jennifer Standish (21:24.219)
get to explore how magnificent you can really be. And so once I realized that I can do anything I wanna do, I can achieve anything that I wanna achieve. Now, that doesn't mean that it's not gonna take me a ton of time. Like don't make me a neurosurgeon in two years, I will probably need 40. But like I am such a hard worker and that
Adia Gooden (21:29.469)
Mm-hmm.
Adia Gooden (21:45.451)
Yeah
Adia Gooden (21:51.158)
Mmm.
Jennifer Standish (21:53.831)
give me enough time and I can do anything, made me realize that whatever life sends my way, I will always rise to the occasion and I will always survive and regroup and put my life back together again. But that took a long time and it took a lot of mistakes and I just had to think back, look at all the things that I've overcome, look at all those...
Adia Gooden (22:05.636)
Hmm
Adia Gooden (22:13.316)
Hmm.
Jennifer Standish (22:23.887)
you know, those learning experiences, you know, what really can life throw at me that I'm not going to be able to deal with? So I may not know what's coming my way, but I'm confident that anything that comes my way is going to be fine.
Adia Gooden (22:33.719)
Hmm
Adia Gooden (22:40.162)
Hmm. Well, it sounds like you've developed a lot of trust in yourself, a lot of self-trust, that over the years you've sort of been like, no, I can make it through and go ahead.
Jennifer Standish (22:50.939)
Sometimes, yeah, well sometimes, you know, I have my moments because there are times when I sit and am in much confusion and when I quiet myself and I meditate and my guides, you know, will say just be patient. I'm just like, I don't want that answer.
Adia Gooden (23:03.566)
Hmm
Jennifer Standish (23:13.787)
But when I was living in New York before my marriage, and I was like, all right, what is my next step? What is the next step for me as a human being? Because I am an overachiever and I always need to be working on the next thing. I just can't sit and enjoy. So it was always like, what's next? What's next? And my guys just kept telling me, you're gonna be fine. And I was like, that's not good enough. I'm gonna be fine. I know I'm gonna be fine, but tell me more. And they were like, no, you don't need to know more.
Adia Gooden (23:25.398)
Hmm.
Hmm
Adia Gooden (23:39.502)
Hmm... Mm-hmm...
Jennifer Standish (23:43.103)
And I just had to, you know, so sometimes I really do trust my instincts. And sometimes I don't think I ask, you know, maybe the right questions or I don't phrase things the right way. And I get these little like, you know, just be patient, you'll be fine, sort of. And that's not satisfying to me. So yeah, yeah. Well, that's the other thing that I talk about in my book a lot is...
Adia Gooden (23:49.322)
Mm-hmm.
Adia Gooden (24:04.207)
Mm-hmm. Yeah, not knowing is hard. It's very hard.
Jennifer Standish (24:13.091)
is having faith without evidence. And that's it. You guys, they're saying hi to somebody at the door. That's something that is really difficult. I struggle with it sometimes. I think it's difficult for everyone is to just say, my move to...
Adia Gooden (24:16.523)
Hmm
Adia Gooden (24:23.33)
Hehehehe
Adia Gooden (24:31.797)
Mm-hmm.
Jennifer Standish (24:39.555)
You know, my move to LA was that way. I felt so confident in that move that was like an easy leap of faith, but other leaps of faith haven't been so easy.
Adia Gooden (24:42.338)
Hmm
Adia Gooden (24:49.59)
Mm-hmm. And what helps you to practice that faith without evidence? Like what are what are the things you do the things you remind yourself of the things you practice when you're in that space?
Jennifer Standish (25:01.151)
Yeah, so my, it's very uncomfortable, very uncomfortable for me. And so I think I make the mistake of asking everyone around me. I do a survey of everyone around me and well, what do you think I should do? What would you think I should do? What do you think? You know, and everyone has their different things and none of it feels right, you know. And I really have to just kind of.
Adia Gooden (25:07.163)
Mm-hmm.
Adia Gooden (25:15.586)
Hmm.
Jennifer Standish (25:28.771)
The best thing to do is reduce the stimuli that I have around me, simplify my life, wait for the dust to settle, and then I have clarity. I'm somebody that can't make intuitive decisions quickly. I need the dust to settle, and I need information, more information often before I'll move forward with any kind of confidence. But.
Adia Gooden (25:33.976)
Mm-hmm.
Adia Gooden (25:39.691)
Mm-hmm.
Jennifer Standish (25:56.323)
So I have to wait for the dust to settle. That's just me. Some people are much quicker at it.
Adia Gooden (25:59.456)
Mm-hmm.
Yeah. And it's helpful to know how you do it, what you need. And when you're saying, wait for the dust to settle, the image I got was like, and also don't kick up more dust. So I'm imagining somebody in the dust kicking, in a dirt, dusty desert. The dust needs to settle, but I'm kicking it because I'm struggling and I'm resisting and I don't know what to do and it's never going to work. All this dust.
Jennifer Standish (26:18.768)
Right!
Adia Gooden (26:31.81)
And it's like, well, it's not going to settle if you do that.
Jennifer Standish (26:32.035)
That is the-
It's not gonna settle, yeah, you have to stay still because if you start pacing, you're just bringing up the dust, right? And so yes, that is very much, we do that to ourselves. It's like, you know, just stop and the dust will settle quickly. But I'm a worker bee and so I like movement.
Adia Gooden (26:47.918)
Mm-hmm.
Adia Gooden (27:32.991)
Yeah, and I think, you know, for me, that's also why a practice of stillness, whether that's meditation or doing something that centers and grounds you is so helpful because, you know, when things are going really well and everything's smooth sailing and everything's working out the way we want, we may not feel as much need to kind of have those practices, right? Because we're good, but then it's like,
starts to get dusty and then we start to resist and we start to kick around and we start to blah, blah. You know, and it's like, oh, we need it. We need that five minutes, 10 minutes of like, at least trying intending to be still, so there can be a little bit of dust settling so you can actually see, right? Because if you're creating a dust storm where you cannot see, you can't see a foot in front of you, you're not going to be able to figure out what the next best move is.
Jennifer Standish (28:28.923)
Right, absolutely. I agree.
Adia Gooden (28:31.454)
Yeah, yeah. So I'd love to know what are some sort of practices that you've engaged in, that you offer to your clients around shifting limiting beliefs, getting out of limiting beliefs that tend to keep us stuck.
Jennifer Standish (28:46.927)
Yeah, well, the first one, and I think this is the most important one, is just pure self-awareness. Is let's just sit down and have a conversation about what you believe to be true. And let's, and when I go through them, you know, by category, well, what do you believe to be true about your job and your career and how you earn money and what you define as success? And let's talk about
Adia Gooden (29:06.617)
Mmm.
Jennifer Standish (29:11.143)
children and family. And it's just like just a slew of categories that you can just go down and go, what do you believe to be true? And let's then see, does this work for you? It may. It may not. And if it doesn't work for you, then let's change it. So yeah, I say you have to do some sort of inventory about what you believe to be true. And the critical ones are
Adia Gooden (29:23.07)
Mm.
Jennifer Standish (29:36.795)
the foundation, what I call the foundational rules, which are the rules that you were taught as a child. Anything under eight is like a permanent imprint in your subconscious, you know? And so whatever you see and hear and experience becomes the truth, whether it's true or not. So self-awareness is key. And then challenging the belief, like, you know, is this really true and how does it limit me?
Adia Gooden (29:46.394)
Hmm
Jennifer Standish (30:07.735)
I think the cognitive restructuring of just replacing the internal monologue that you have or the negative limiting belief is like every time somebody goes to say, oh, I can't do this, no, you automatically, you go, no, wait, and you change it. And that's where positive affirmations are very helpful because it is, you can.
Adia Gooden (30:26.661)
Mmm.
Mm-hmm.
Jennifer Standish (30:35.235)
restructure your subconscious. You can change your limiting, but it's a lot of practice and repetition. And you can visualize things, you can visualize a great meeting coming to its conclusion, or you didn't think you could finish your race, or a small little marathon or something, and you can use visualization to help you. And the other thing is that when you are going through life, you can...
Adia Gooden (30:40.853)
Mm-hmm.
Jennifer Standish (31:07.733)
If you're aware enough and conscious enough, you can see, oh gosh, that was a limiting belief that I had before that I no longer have. And so kind of keeping track on, I used to believe this, but I now no longer do. And now this is like a core of who I am. But also just being like really compassionate with yourself and...
Adia Gooden (31:16.203)
Hmm.
Adia Gooden (31:27.895)
Mm-hmm.
Jennifer Standish (31:30.323)
And I do think meditation and being quiet and just being really mindful. And if you can, what I have been doing lately is when I get into a place of confusion and anxiety, is I try to imagine myself as the observer of my life. And I'll say, well, this is Jennifer panicking for no reason at all. Well, this is Jennifer, you know,
Adia Gooden (31:50.007)
Hmm.
Hmm. Mm-hmm.
Jennifer Standish (32:02.567)
trying to reach for perfection and is procrastinating instead. So this is Jennifer doing this. And so I find that to be really helpful, because it kind of separates me from the little picture to the big picture.
Adia Gooden (32:09.027)
Mm-hmm.
Adia Gooden (32:21.005)
Mm-hmm. Yeah, you get some distance from it.
Jennifer Standish (32:22.035)
what? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So those are some of the, you know, and then there's, you know, coaches and therapists that you can work with. And, you know, little, little things like keeping a list of, like, all of your accomplishments. So that way, when you're
Adia Gooden (32:43.84)
Mmm.
Jennifer Standish (32:46.183)
you think I can't do something or I'm dumb or I'm blah, whatever it is, you can go back and keep a list of all the things, if you keep a list of all the things you're good at and all the things you've accomplished and all of the awards and all the promotions and blah, you start having evidence. And the evidence is not in anyone's opinion. It's like, no, this is clear. This is real. This is not somebody's, you know.
Adia Gooden (33:00.97)
Yeah.
Jennifer Standish (33:13.787)
It's hardcore. So that's what I find helpful.
Adia Gooden (33:16.954)
Yeah. Yeah, I love that. I, you know, the evidence, I think, is so important because our minds are not objective evidence collectors. Our minds collect all of the negative evidence and tend to discard all of the positive evidence. And so then we have this data set to this picture that is biased. And we think all the failures, all the things that I have done wrong.
Jennifer Standish (33:25.888)
No.
Adia Gooden (33:41.886)
And we forget all of the things that we have done right, all of the things that we have done well, all of the things that have worked out. And so writing down, I think having that sort of list of things that is going well is really important. I recently sort of, I'm sort of learning to do new things in my business that are hard for me, and it's not going as quickly as I would hope. And I was messaging with one of my friends and she was like, she was just sort of like, here's the context, right?
things that you've done, but it wasn't like everything, but I was like, Oh, right. Like I am very narrowly focused on this specific time period. And I am not taken into account all of the other things, right. And all of the time that I have done things, whatever. And so I think writing it down and then also having people in your life, right. We were talking about friendships, right. Having people who can be that honest mirror, not the critical mirror, but the honest mirror who can remind you.
of all of the things you've done and how wonderful you are, even if you are experiencing failure or challenge or whatever. So I love that. I also loved your recommendation of a self-assessment because I think so often our beliefs are living in the background and they're unexamined, right? And so there are these unexamined beliefs that we operate out of and just even bringing them into the foreground and saying, let me look at this. I believe that I am a failure.
Jennifer Standish (34:59.324)
Yes.
Adia Gooden (35:11.054)
Hmm, like if somebody else said that to you, would you believe it, right? Is that really true? Is it working for you, right? I love that question, right? And so getting people to actually examine and look at, because just looking at it and as you're saying, bringing it into your conscious awareness, then gives you the space to make a choice about whether or not you want to continue to believe it. When it's in the background, it's really hard to make a choice. But once it's out in front of you,
you then get to choose. Now the choosing and the practices of choosing can be challenging, but they work, right? And you have to do it again and again, but you still get to choose.
Jennifer Standish (35:49.211)
Right, well, I have a great self-limiting belief that popped into my head, like in my 40s, that I didn't even realize was, I was always, I was told that I was dumb, brain damaged level dumb. I would never go to college, I would never succeed, I would always need help. And that only, the only time good things happened to me or the only time I ever achieved anything was dumb luck. And I was, and you know, I just hear my mom saying,
Adia Gooden (35:59.319)
Hmm.
Adia Gooden (36:13.164)
Oosh.
Jennifer Standish (36:16.999)
Jennifer's so lucky, Jennifer's so lucky, you know? And so when I was building my first, my second business and it required a lot of networking and self-promotion, I really resisted. And I said to myself, I'm waiting for something lucky to happen. I'm waiting for that chance meeting of somebody in a supermarket or I'm gonna ride the train and this business executive is gonna be sitting next to me and it's gonna be dumb luck. And I was like,
Adia Gooden (36:20.746)
Mmm.
Adia Gooden (36:30.326)
Hmm
Adia Gooden (36:34.67)
Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
Jennifer Standish (36:46.643)
No. So, if you do not examine what's in your subconscious, that's how self-limiting beliefs affect your lives is I sat around waiting for something, a dumb luck, serendipitous sort of coincidence, and I wasn't doing the work because it was going to be dumb luck. And I was just patiently waiting inside my home, you know, rewriting my LinkedIn profile, you know.
Adia Gooden (36:46.771)
Mmm.
Adia Gooden (36:58.853)
Mm-hmm.
Adia Gooden (37:07.694)
Mm-hmm.
Jennifer Standish (37:16.535)
not doing the work and it wasn't until I realized that it was like oh yes this is what an unexamined life does for you.
Adia Gooden (37:20.898)
Mm-hmm.
Adia Gooden (37:25.446)
I love that you, yeah, I mean, I love that you're sharing that, right? Cause I think so many people will relate. Maybe they didn't have a mom who said, you know, awfully, like you're just lucky and it's just dumb luck, but I think relate to their being beliefs that hold us back. I, you know, similarly in my business, a thing that I'm having to lean into, which is very uncomfortable for me is reaching out and doing business development, right? Like actually reaching out.
promoting my services, asking for introductions, like all of that, like it makes me almost queasy. Like I really dislike it, but I'm having to get good at it. And for me, my mom, and this, I don't think, it wasn't intended to be harmful. It wasn't harmful necessarily, but she was like, you have to make sure that you are always invited.
Jennifer Standish (37:57.691)
Right, right.
Adia Gooden (38:13.726)
Right? So like if I was gonna go to a friend's house or something like it was, she was like, you must be invited. And I think some of that was her trying to protect me as a little black girl in a predominantly white environment and never wanting me to be in a situation where I was at someone's house and their parents didn't want me there or people didn't want me there. And for me, it translated and this lasted for a long time. It even sometimes is like, but they didn't invite me.
Like, are you sure you're inviting me? And I would like in college and high school, like I wouldn't, people would just be popping by each other's, you know, dorm rooms and stuff. And I wouldn't do that. And so I held back in part because I was like, I have to be specifically invited. And then now there's this piece in my business where it's like, but they're not invite, like am I inviting myself? Like, what's that? Well, you know, it's like this whole thing. And so whether the belief is more kind of benign or harmful.
examining it and seeing it and being like, okay, this was the reason, whether it was, you know, somebody had narcissism and had all these issues that were projecting onto you, or somebody was trying to protect you in a particular situation, then you can examine it and say, okay, yes, in some ways, like being invited is important. And in other ways, you got to create your own invitation.
Jennifer Standish (39:38.243)
Right, so sales bumps up. Being a good salesperson, especially being a good cold caller, bumps up against a lot of foundational beliefs that were taught as a child. So it's like, do not interrupt, speak when spoken to, don't be a pest, don't bother people. It's, we have this thing about interrupting people. And so a lot of this, when you listen to parents,
Adia Gooden (39:50.53)
Hmm
Mmm.
Jennifer Standish (40:07.379)
correct their children, imagine that child then becoming a salesperson and having to go out and self-promote. And don't brag. Nobody likes somebody who brags. Nobody wants somebody who just talks about themselves all the time, right? Yes. You don't ask for raises. You know, women don't ask for raises. They don't ask for assignments. They think that if they are just really good in their jobs.
Adia Gooden (40:12.62)
Hmm
Mm-hmm.
Adia Gooden (40:21.27)
And especially for women, right? Like, especially women are socialized in this way. Mm-hmm.
Jennifer Standish (40:34.579)
and they're the easy employee that they'll somehow get rewarded. And that is not a game that anybody wins. And I have a lot of clients who really were the wallflowers and sat back and just felt like if they accepted all the terrible assignments that nobody wanted and they made their boss's lives really easily and they didn't cause any trouble, that they would somehow be rewarded. And the fact is, no, you're not rewarded if you play that game. You're not promoted.
Adia Gooden (41:01.982)
Right. But I do think it's important. It's important to note that we come by it honestly, because in school, you are most certainly rewarded as a girl if you play nice and don't cause trouble and raise your hand and stay after to help with all the cleaning and doing this other stuff. Like you are absolutely rewarded with the gold star and the A and the positive evaluation and the positive report. And so it's like,
Jennifer Standish (41:04.423)
You know.
Adia Gooden (41:31.262)
you spend a couple of decades being socialized into this way of being, that then when you need to succeed in a different way, you may or may not have the skills, you may have suppressed the skills or the natural abilities. And we also know that women are punished. We also know that women are punished when we are like, you know.
Jennifer Standish (41:50.115)
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Adia Gooden (41:56.03)
Hey, I want to raise or I don't think that's right. Like we, we know that. And so it's such a complicated thing. And I think what you're saying is so right, which is like, okay, how do we acknowledge all these things and then still choose to do what we need to do or do what we want to do or, you know, whatever.
Jennifer Standish (42:11.195)
Right. Yeah, yeah, taking a look at how we educate our young people, and how it's very much, I'm going to tell you information, and you're going to regurgitate it back for me. And then they go, people go to college, and it's the same sort of thing. And so that's why young people have really struggled in their early careers is because they're just waiting for assignments. Just, just give me, tell me what to do, tell me what to do, tell me what to do, tell me what to do. And then at a certain point,
Adia Gooden (42:33.902)
Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
Mm-hmm.
Jennifer Standish (42:39.387)
your opinions, like what happened to me was I was expected to have opinions. I was expected to have learned through all of this, and all of a sudden be proactive and offer solutions and, right? And, but you have no experience doing that. So I work with a lot of people helping people ace their performance review and helping people ask for a raise and getting it and helping them, you know,
Adia Gooden (42:43.863)
Hmm.
Adia Gooden (42:56.955)
Mm-hmm.
Adia Gooden (43:02.081)
Mmm.
Jennifer Standish (43:05.899)
learning how they should be quantifying their contributions and really taking control of their career. And because you have to be careful about what assignments you select. Like what I tell people is, why are you in this job? What is it that you've got to learn? What is it that you've got to accomplish before you can move on to the next job? Because once you've done, once you've ticked off all the boxes, you now need to move.
Adia Gooden (43:09.854)
Mm-hmm.
Adia Gooden (43:13.322)
Mm-hmm.
Adia Gooden (43:22.55)
Hmm
Adia Gooden (43:34.582)
Mmm.
Jennifer Standish (43:35.691)
And then, you know, so what is that next set of responsibilities and experiences and accomplishments that you need? And then you need to move once you've done that. Most people just show up at a job and just want to be told what to do because that's what, you know, like, I don't know who said it, Warren Buffett or Eileen Musk or some incredibly successful person is like, we just teach people how to be employees. We don't teach people how to lead.
Adia Gooden (43:45.643)
Mm-hmm.
Adia Gooden (43:50.102)
Mm-hmm.
Adia Gooden (44:04.038)
Mm-hmm.
Jennifer Standish (44:05.871)
whether it's as an entrepreneur or within a corporation and rise up through the ranks and be a leader because that's a completely different skill. And we just know how to make a whole bunch of factory workers.
Adia Gooden (44:16.128)
Right.
Adia Gooden (44:21.45)
Yeah. And I think part of what you're talking about is people leading themselves, right? Like you're sort of countering the passive, I show up to a job, you give me work, I do a good job, and then I'll get promoted to like, what am I? I'm here to do this. These are the skills I bring. This is what I want to learn. These are experiences I want to have. These are who I want to be connected to. When I've gotten that, either if there's an opportunity to move up in this company, great. If not,
Jennifer Standish (44:26.097)
Yeah.
Adia Gooden (44:50.326)
piece, right? Like that there's sort of this leading yourself and taking ownership of your career and what you want it to be. And, you know, I think in so many ways, this sort of brings us full circle as we're wrapping up our conversation to where we started and where you started, which was I came out of college and I had no idea what I wanted. Right. And so it's like leading yourself through your life and through your career.
requires a grounding in knowing who you are and knowing what you want and what you don't want. And that can be a process of self discovery, but taking it intentionally to figure it out, to get curious about yourself, right, is part of what's required, right? And letting go of the limiting beliefs of other people will tell me what to do, or I can't fail, or I'm not worthy enough for my time and attention. And all of those things, like you gotta get rid of those things to be like, well, actually,
Let me focus or it's selfish to focus on myself, right? Let me get curious about myself and what is it that I want, not what do my parents want for me in my career? What does society say a good career or a worthy career is? But what do I actually like to do? What am I gifted in? What do I right? Like these sorts of questions that then allow you to lead yourself to a life you want, a career you want, et cetera.
Jennifer Standish (46:11.643)
Yeah, peace and joy. And how do you define success? Well, it's different for everybody, but you should define it for yourself because that's the goal. We have full control over our lives. We have full control over our thoughts. A lot of people don't wanna accept responsibility for their thoughts, but we have full control over our thoughts and mindset is really what determines your happiness in life. You can look at things a lot of different ways, so choose wisely.
Adia Gooden (46:40.514)
Hmm, that's a great note to end on and I know that people are gonna want to kind of learn more from you They may be interested in getting your book So you tell people where they can find your book how to connect with you further all of that
Jennifer Standish (46:54.707)
Sure, the best place for me is on LinkedIn. It's easy to find me, Jennifer Standish. I'm right there and my book is on Amazon. And so, yeah, that's super easy. Thank you so much.
Adia Gooden (47:05.536)
Awesome.
Adia Gooden (47:08.994)
Thank you. I so appreciate you coming and sharing your wisdom and insight with us today.
Jennifer Standish (47:13.359)
My absolute pleasure. Thank you.[cheerful music starts]
Dr. Adia Gooden [00:46:48] Thanks for joining me this week on the Unconditionally Worthy Podcast. Make sure to visit my website, dradiagooden.com and subscribe to the show on iTunes so you'll never miss an episode. You can also follow me on social media at Dr. Adia Gooden. If you loved the show, please leave a review on iTunes so we can continue to bring you amazing episodes. Lastly, if you found this episode helpful and know someone who might benefit from hearing it, please share it. Thanks for listening and see you next episode.
[cheerful music ends]
This episode was produced by Crys & Tiana and the music is by Wataboi.
Cali by Wataboi https://soundcloud.com/wataboi
Creative Commons — Attribution 3.0 Unported — CC BY-SA 3.0
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Do you have beliefs about yourself and your life that keep you stuck? Do you find yourself longing to do something bigger with your life or break out of your comfort zone but continually feel pulled back into old habits and patterns? Well, you may be experiencing the effects of limiting beliefs in your life.
In this episode of Unconditionally Worthy, I welcome Jennifer Standish, author of Permission Granted: Live Your Life Full of Joy and Peace and personal transformation expert.
Listen in as we have a candid discussion about the most common limiting beliefs, how claiming our worth can dismantle those beliefs, and the importance of giving yourself permission to change your mind.
The 3 Most Common Limiting Beliefs
I’m not good enough
One of the most common limiting beliefs is “I’m not good enough.” This relates to feeling inadequate, unworthy, experiencing self-doubt, and lacking confidence. This belief and the associated feelings can hold you back from pursuing your goals and dreams because they feel unattainable.
I can't fail
I can’t fail is another limiting belief. So many of us grow up feeling like failure is final and if you’re a high achiever you likely rarely experienced failure so you didn’t have the opportunity to see that there is life beyond failure. When we live our lives avoiding failure we often avoid living fully because failure is usually part of trying and playing full out. We can overcome this limiting belief by understanding that the biggest failure is not really trying and going for what we want.
I must please everyone
No surprise that this limiting belief leads to people pleasing and feeling that your worth is tied to everyone being happy with you. When you believe that you have to please everyone you end up neglecting your needs, desires, and boundaries, and overextending yourself. It might feel good to make other people happy in the short term but in the long run doing this repeatedly at your own expense means that you may end up with a life that doesn’t feel very happy.
Tips shifting limiting beliefs:
Self-Awareness. In order to shift your limiting beliefs it’s essential that you be aware of them. Begin by reflecting on what you believe to be true about your job and your career and how you earn money and what you define as success? Then consider if these beliefs work for you; if not, it’s time to change them.
Use positive affirmations to shift your beliefs. Once you’re aware of the beliefs that aren’t working for you come up with positive affirmations of beliefs that you want to adopt and remind yourself of what you do believe is true and helpful to you.
Meditate/Create time for stillness. Making time to meditate or be still and quiet can help you to be the observer of your thoughts and your life. When you are in this place of observation it’s easier to make conscious choices about what you choose to believe and the actions you want to take.
Keep a list of things you’re good at. Our minds are negative evidence collectors and this often feeds into our limiting beliefs. It’s helpful to counter this tendency by proactively collecting evidence of positive things you’ve done and good things that are happening in your life.
Be sure to listen to the full episode to hear how Jennifer and I have worked through our limiting beliefs and for more strategies to support you on your journey to unconditional self-worth.
Relevant Resources:
Enroll to the Date Yourself course: 4 Weeks to a Healthy Relationship With You www.unconditionallyworthy.com/dateyourself
Claim your free e-guide: How to Overcome Low Self-Worth & Imposter Syndrome www.dradiagooden.com/impostersyndrome
Permission Granted: Live Your Life Full of Joy and Peace by Jennifer Standish https://www.amazon.com/Permission-Granted-Live-Your-Peace/dp/1955272662
About Jennifer Standish:
Jennifer Standish is an author and personal transformation expert. She is an author of Permission Granted: Live Your Life Full of Joy and Peace, a book in which she shares 91 self-limiting beliefs that, as a result of being raised by a narcissistic mother and an enabling father, she learned growing up and realized as an adult that she needed to change to be happy. She is also the Founder and President of Give Yourself Permission, which helps women create new rules for their lives, so they can overcome limiting attitudes that prevent them from achieving career success and finding happiness.
To connect further with Jennifer:
Connect with her on LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/jenniferstandish/
This episode was produced by Crys & Tiana.
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