You Have the Power to Design Your Life with Jamila Reddy
— EPISODE 95 —
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[cheerful music starts]
Dr. Adia Gooden [00:00:21] Welcome to the Unconditionally Worthy Podcast. In this podcast, I will guide you on your journey to connect with the true source of your self-worth. Each week we'll discuss barriers to unconditional self-worth, the connection between self-worth and relationships, self-worth practices you can apply to your life. And how to use self-worth as a foundation for living courageously. I'm your host, Dr. Adia Gooden, a licensed clinical psychologist, dance enthusiast, and a dark chocolate lover who believes deeply that you are worthy unconditionally.
Adia Gooden (00:00.77)
Hello, and welcome back to another episode of the Unconditionally Worthy podcast. You know, I am just so grateful that I get to do this. As part of my work, I am really honored to have the guests that I have on this podcast, and it lights me up to have these thoughtful and intentional conversations about our life and self-worth and all the many things that we navigate. And so I'm grateful to you for listening.
That really means a lot to me. And my hope as always is that these episodes are incredibly helpful to you on your self-worth journey. So my guest today is Jamila Reddy, and we have a really thoughtful conversation about lifestyle design, designing your life and how that intersects with claiming your worth and how we can own our desires and tolerate disappointment. And it's an incredibly powerful
conversation that I know you're going to get so much out of. We talk a lot about sort of self care and practices that help us to prepare for the game of life, prepare to play full out in the game of life so that when we get bumps and bruises and experience challenges, we can navigate those with grace and not take ourselves out of the game and not just keep ourselves, leaves ourselves on the sidelines because we're afraid of the challenges that may come.
I want to remind you that I have a course called Date Yourself, Four Weeks to a Healthy Relationship with You, which is really all about building a healthy relationship with yourself and building some of these capacities and skills to help you play full out in the game of life. So you're going to be dropping self-criticism, which often keeps us on the sidelines. You're going to learn the practices of self-compassion, which help to soothe you and regulate your nervous system. And...
calm you and help you tune into yourself so you know what you want and you know what you need and you're taking care of yourself. And then you're also gonna learn how to engage in sustainable and personalized self care, right? Figuring out what you need to take care of yourself and then engaging in an actionable plan to integrate that into your life. That's what you learn and what you're guided through in my course, Date Yourself, Four Weeks to a Healthy Relationship with You. So if this conversation that I have with Jamila resonates with you, I encourage you to follow her.
Adia Gooden (02:20.994)
check out her resources. And I also encourage you to check out my course, Date Yourself, Four Weeks to a Healthy Relationship with You. It'll be linked in the show notes. You can learn more about it if that seems like something that would be helpful in you playing your life full out. Let's get into the show.
Adia Gooden (00:05.414)
I am very excited to welcome Jamila Reddy to the podcast today. Jamila is a manifestation coach, wellbeing educator, and breathwork / meditation guide whose mission is to live well and support people in creating lives they love. Weaving together ancient wisdom, psychology, neuroscience, and interior design, Jamila shares tools and techniques.
that all people can use to navigate transformation and experience more peace, joy, and fulfillment in their lives. Jamila has spoken for TEDx, Facebook, Google, AfroPunk, Cripalu Center for Yoga and Health. It's probably Cripalu Center for Yoga and Health, the Loveland Foundation and more. And I am so excited to have Jamila on the podcast because I have been following her on Instagram and I get her emails and...
Everything she shares just feels really authentic and guides us into deeper wisdom. And so I'm really excited to have you on the podcast today, sharing your wisdom with us. Welcome.
Jamila Reddy (01:12.508)
Thank you. Thank you so much. I'm so happy to be here.
Adia Gooden (01:16.034)
Awesome. Well, I would love to start our conversation where I start all of our conversations on this podcast, which is by asking you to share a bit about your own self-worth journey.
Jamila Reddy (01:26.798)
Mm, okay. I mean, it's a long, I'm like, where do I begin? I think the self-fulfilling journey, I mean, it begins in childhood, right? Like, I think as our children, and we start to come into just knowing ourselves and noticing our differences. And so I grew up in the South. I grew up in Charlotte, North Carolina, and was in predominantly
Adia Gooden (01:33.41)
Hehehehe
Adia Gooden (01:38.67)
Hmm
Jamila Reddy (01:56.35)
white spaces in school. And I was considered academically gifted, which put me into a certain level of classes where most of my peers in school were white. And I participated in extracurriculars like ballet and swimming and theater and choir, most of which were predominantly white spaces. And so...
Adia Gooden (02:08.43)
Hmm
Adia Gooden (02:13.134)
Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
Jamila Reddy (02:22.462)
My sense of self-worth as a kid was largely defined by feeling othered in a lot of othered around my peers, was wholly and totally loved and embraced by my parents and my family, affirmed, you know, I mean, my parents were so affirming. I felt, you know, I had a sense of internal worthiness that felt, I felt confused about being different.
Adia Gooden (02:28.31)
Hmm.
Adia Gooden (02:37.666)
Hmm
Adia Gooden (02:50.806)
Hmm
Jamila Reddy (02:52.002)
made me not necessarily feel unworthy, but definitely self-conscious. And I think that self-consciousness over time can sort of erode your sense of self-worth. And so my, you know, my early, my teenage years and early twenties was a process of getting comfortable with myself and celebrating all of the things that make me unique.
Adia Gooden (02:58.062)
Hmm
Adia Gooden (03:05.527)
Hmm
Jamila Reddy (03:21.274)
and doing a lot of unlearning of the patterns and habits of behavior that I adopted when I felt different, when I felt hyper visible, when you're the only one in the room in the South, they call it the fly and the buttermilk. So when you're the fly and the buttermilk and everybody can see you, I wanted to either hide, like I really wanted to shrink into the background, or I wanted to be excellent.
Adia Gooden (03:24.546)
Hmm.
Adia Gooden (03:32.642)
Mmm.
Adia Gooden (03:42.41)
Mmm.
Adia Gooden (03:46.685)
Mm-hmm.
Jamila Reddy (03:51.018)
I really wanted to be a shining star. Like if everyone's gonna be looking, I wanna give them something to see. And so I have this years still to this day to sort of chip away at that, at those patterns of perfectionism and people pleasing and also kind of shrinking into the background. And so, yeah, I'm still working on.
Adia Gooden (03:51.374)
Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
Adia Gooden (03:55.786)
Yep. Mm-hmm.
Adia Gooden (04:07.742)
Hmm.
Jamila Reddy (04:19.234)
on freeing myself, you know, I sometimes will call myself a recovering perfectionist. It's like, yeah, I have to constantly to this day give myself permission to show up authentically. But I know that impulse to sort of be impressive has deep roots in my childhood. And that was something I needed to do to be safe and to be welcome and to be accepted.
Adia Gooden (04:23.438)
Mm-hmm.
Adia Gooden (04:35.586)
Hmm.
Adia Gooden (04:41.954)
Hmm. Thank you for sharing that. I think, you know, your experience definitely resonates with me. And I know that it'll resonate with the people listening because, yeah, these sort of like, oh, the perfectionism, the standing out, the sort of tension I think so many Black women experience in particular, this, you know, invisibility and hyper visibility and the sort of tension between experiencing both of those things. Sometimes ironically, kind of at
Adia Gooden (05:11.746)
really see you. Um, you know, intonation matters there. Right. And I, you know, I even was thinking when you said the fly and the buttermilk, I've heard that phrase before, but what came to me when you shared it was like, Oh, and inherently, if you have a fly in the buttermilk, that's a problem. Right. You don't want it there. You don't want to fly in your buttermilk. You want to get it out. Is, is, it's, it's messing up the situation, right? Like it's disturbing something.
Jamila Reddy (05:13.19)
Thanks for watching!
Jamila Reddy (05:33.881)
Right.
Adia Gooden (05:40.122)
It may have ruined or spoiled something. So inherently in that message or that feeling of being the fly in the buttermilk, it's like there's a problem with me being here. And that may be sometimes communicated explicitly, but often it's communicated implicitly.
Jamila Reddy (05:56.482)
That's right. And it's more felt. I mean, people were so kind to me. I was never in spaces where there were any, you know, as a child, you know, my teachers were kind and loving. Um, but there were, you know, there were some, you know, little microaggressions like, Oh, you read so well. You're so articulate. You know, like those little things where I was like, Oh, you know, there's, I wanted to be, you know, that's where I wanted to be impressive. Cause I'm like, Oh, people are somehow.
Adia Gooden (06:01.442)
Hmm
Adia Gooden (06:15.938)
Mm-hmm.
Jamila Reddy (06:25.006)
you know, looking at me differently, not necessarily treating me poorly, but I internalized the unspoken, you know, the unspoken narrative or question of like, I kind of feel like I don't belong
Adia Gooden (06:30.079)
Hmm-hmm.
Adia Gooden (06:41.73)
Hmm.
Jamila Reddy (06:43.114)
I think belonging was something that I was seeking for many, many years. And I'm grateful now that I feel that I have a really profound sense of belonging in my chosen family and communities that I'm a part of. But yeah, it's like even, sometimes the treatment is not aligned with the feeling. You know, it's like, nobody was mean to me. You know, people weren't mean to me, but I definitely felt other.
Adia Gooden (06:48.13)
Hmm
Adia Gooden (06:52.974)
Hmm
Adia Gooden (07:00.319)
Right.
Adia Gooden (07:06.034)
Mm-hmm.
Adia Gooden (07:10.322)
Mm-hmm. And that, I mean, I think that disconnect between how people are treating you on the surface and how you feel can be a little crazy making because you're like, well, is it just me or is this true or am I overreacting or what? You know, it's like that can be so hard. And I think as kids, we're most likely to conclude, oh, it is me, right? I do have to change. I have
Jamila Reddy (07:19.833)
Yeah, what's up? What's up?
Adia Gooden (07:40.238)
feel like I belong, I need to change myself or whatever it is. And so I think that's why naming the experience and the microaggressions and all of those pieces of feeling like all of you isn't accepted is so important so that we're not feeling like, oh, I have to change in order for that acceptance happen. Because maybe you can, you can fade into the buttermilk, you can disappear, but you're still not going to feel fully accepted.
Jamila Reddy (08:04.422)
That's right.
That's right, that's right. Yeah. Or I mean, or fulfilled. I mean, how could you, I think if you're not being yourself, there can be, that to me is just a major barrier to like joy and fulfillment and wellbeing. Like that to me is a slow death of the spirit is to not show up authentically. Like how could there be joy if you're living your whole life in a performance? So, I had to go.
Adia Gooden (08:09.976)
Yeah.
Adia Gooden (08:13.163)
No.
Adia Gooden (08:17.324)
No.
Adia Gooden (08:25.015)
Hmm
Adia Gooden (08:31.714)
Hmm. What? Yeah. I mean, that's a slow death of, what did you say? Yeah. I mean.
Jamila Reddy (08:36.943)
Straight up.
Jamila Reddy (08:42.714)
You have to run it!
Adia Gooden (08:43.187)
A slow death of unfulfillment? Is that what you said? It was really like.
Jamila Reddy (08:47.438)
I think, yeah, slow death maybe of the spirit, I mean of the soul. I think that feels like, yeah, like a spiritual, you know what I think about holistic wellbeing. I think a lot about, you know, the obvious, we think about our mental health and we think about our physical health. But for me, there's like a spiritual wellbeing or like a soul, my friend, my beloved friend calls it like, you know, he says like on a soulular level, like instead of a cellular level, on a soul.
Adia Gooden (08:50.114)
powerful of the spirit. There we go. Yes.
Adia Gooden (08:59.586)
Hmm
Adia Gooden (09:10.734)
Hmm
Adia Gooden (09:16.057)
I love it.
Jamila Reddy (09:16.866)
Like on a soulular level, if you're not being who we are, that to me puts a cap on the amount of wellbeing you can experience, your spirit, this kind of animating life force that makes you you, that makes each of us uniquely who we are. If that part of us is like suppressed, I think there's absolutely a limit to the amount of joy and fulfillment we can feel.
Adia Gooden (09:19.534)
Hmm
Adia Gooden (09:25.794)
Hmm.
Adia Gooden (09:36.152)
Mm.
Adia Gooden (09:41.942)
I completely agree. And what it's making me think about is a lot, there's a lot of sort of like, you know, like funny memes or sort of narratives around like self-care these days. And it's like, oh, self-care. It's just like another checkbox. It's another like, there's all this like, people are creating a life that looks really good on the outside, but they're miserable. And I think that the missing piece is what you're talking about, which is,
Are you fulfilled at a soul level? Are you happy? Are you, you know, I talk about it as sort of, are you grounded in your worthiness? And I think we're missing that ingredient because we're not talking about that, right? That you could have the job that looks good with a good salary, have the partner that looks good with, you know, whatever, have the kids, have the house, have the, you could have all of those things and still feel miserable if at a soulular level.
where you're not sort of aligned with what you're meant to be doing, with how you're meant to be living, with what actually fills you up, nourishes you, brings you joy. And I think that is this piece that's sort of missing from our conversations about how to build a life that's fulfilling and sustainable and what we really want, not just the sort of outside of it.
Jamila Reddy (11:05.034)
That's right. Yeah. I always tell something I offer and this is a, you know, I'll offer it to everyone listening and to you is that, you know, when we're thinking about the things we're calling in, you know, I like to, you know, I teach and coach on manifestation. And so a lot of times we, people are super focused on the goal, like the external desire, like you said, the house, the kids, the car, the job.
But behind every, or not even behind, but at the core of everything we want is a feeling. You want the house so you can feel safe and stable and rested. You want the partners so you can feel loved and supported and connected. You want the children so you can feel purposeful and a sense of belonging, which all of those things we have access to.
Adia Gooden (11:40.398)
Hmm.
Adia Gooden (11:45.602)
Hmm
Jamila Reddy (11:59.63)
without the external, you know, we get, I think we get hyper focused on what the external thing is, but it's like, no, you can have the house, but not feel secure or surrounded, like you said. And so, you know, I remind people when you're manifesting, know what's at the heart of your desires. What's at the core.
Adia Gooden (12:02.279)
Mm-hmm.
Adia Gooden (12:13.473)
Mm-hmm.
Jamila Reddy (12:22.106)
How do you get to the essential nature of what you want so that you can start infusing your life with that essential nature before the external manifests? So it's like, I don't have time to wait for children to feel a sense of purpose. So what can I do in my life just as it is to infuse that value and infuse that feeling, or I call it a feelings goal. I'm like, make a list of your feelings goal. What are all of the ways that you wanna feel because that's what's really important.
Adia Gooden (12:31.79)
Mm-hmm.
Adia Gooden (12:37.883)
Mm-hmm.
Adia Gooden (12:45.87)
Mm-hmm.
Jamila Reddy (12:51.898)
It's like, don't get it twisted. Like a lot of times we think the external things, when I get it, then I'm gonna feel the way I wanna feel. And I'm like, actually, instead of facing the thing, follow the feeling.
Adia Gooden (12:59.946)
Mm-hmm.
Adia Gooden (13:04.134)
Mm-hmm. I love that. And my understanding, I'm not an expert in manifestation, but my understanding is that the more you can tune into and feel those feelings now, the more you're on the right vibration in alignment with what you are wanting to attract and bring into your life. So it's more likely to happen more quickly. It is going to come. And then I think from the perspective of self-worth,
Jamila Reddy (13:24.474)
Yes.
Adia Gooden (13:31.622)
If you're not feeling worthy of the connection, of the grounding, of the abundance of whatever, it is going to be harder to feel into it. It's gonna be also harder to receive it and accept it. And so if you're sort of noticing like, ooh, like I don't know if I feel worthy of connection or I'm scared of connection because I don't believe that people will love and accept me, then it's like, okay, so then there's some work.
Jamila Reddy (13:34.682)
Mm.
Adia Gooden (13:57.878)
that we can do now with you loving and accepting yourself and offering that to yourself and leaning into the fact that you're worthy. And then that's going to help you get into that vibration and attract those things. And again, as you're saying, not wait for them to be sort of far off and have them now, create them in your life now.
Jamila Reddy (14:19.406)
Yep, exactly right.
Adia Gooden (14:22.178)
This is making me think, or I think it's connected to some of the work that you do around lifestyle design and sort of guiding people to intentionally design their lives. And I think there are links with what we're talking about now and also where we started with sort of when we can be in a space of sort of reacting to what other people want from us into performing what other people will prove of and how that can be sort of the opposite of intentionally.
creating and designing the life we want. So I'd love for you to talk about what lifestyle design is and then kind of how you encourage people to think about that for themselves.
Jamila Reddy (15:00.546)
Mm, yes. So lifestyle design is a framework that I created to understand some of the pillars, and I call them pillars, of a fulfilling life, of a joyful, fulfilling life. And I love the language of design because to me, it makes me think of a creative practice. And I encourage people to see your life.
Adia Gooden (15:25.997)
Mm.
Jamila Reddy (15:29.058)
as a creative practice, to see yourself as the creator over your life. That each of us have within us, we just come into the world with this inherent creative power and ability to shape our lived experience. It doesn't necessarily mean that we can control our circumstance, right? Like there has to be some, you know, acknowledgement of the very real
social, political, environmental, economic realities. And regardless of what is happening around you or even to you, there is a creative life force that exists within that we can tap into to shift the experience we're having in every moment, moment to moment, every single day, but in our life at large. And so lifestyle design is a practice of seeing your life.
has your masterpiece. Like if you are the artist, your life is your most magnificent creation and you get to put your style on it. Like you get to really design it. However, according to your preferences, according to what, like you said, what lights you up. And so lifestyle design is the process of creating, intentionally creating a life that lights you up. And
Adia Gooden (16:29.135)
Hmm.
Adia Gooden (16:38.463)
Mm.
Jamila Reddy (16:54.302)
Design the word design comes from a word meaning to decide so you can even hear I design and so when you're designing an experience what you're doing is Deciding what it's going to be like and so to be a lifestyle designer is to just make choices is just to be in the choice-making chair of What how what choice do I want to make of just recognizing your absolute?
Adia Gooden (17:01.108)
Hmm.
Adia Gooden (17:10.102)
Hmm
Jamila Reddy (17:22.698)
inner authority and power to make choices about the way you do your life. It's not necessarily the what, like I get, you know, I'm like, sometimes, you know, I have friends who like live with chronic illness and it's like, no, you know, these people didn't choose, they didn't choose to have lupus or, you know, or to have like migraines every day. But you can choose the way you move through your life, the way you, like you said,
Adia Gooden (17:31.682)
Mm-hmm.
Adia Gooden (17:36.002)
Hmm
Jamila Reddy (17:51.77)
respond to it. And so it's kind of a, it's a framework and it's a way of seeing yourself and a way of moving through the world with an empowered perspective, with an understanding of yourself as a creator and with like, it's just a permission slip to create a life that is based on what you enjoy, really, truly what you enjoy. Like enjoyment is absolutely crucial.
Adia Gooden (18:07.586)
Mmm
Adia Gooden (18:16.578)
Hmm
Jamila Reddy (18:21.526)
And so it's, you know, it's, and I think for me, there can be no holistic wellbeing without joy, without happiness. And so to be the lifestyle designer is to actually create your masterpiece based on like, you know, I might have a friend who like really likes hot pinks and neons. And I'm like, you know what, that's cool for your design, but my design is gonna look like this. And so it's really like knowing what is authentic to you. Like what-
Adia Gooden (18:28.046)
Hmm.
Jamila Reddy (18:47.854)
What do you like in creating your masterpiece based on your authentic preferences and desires?
Adia Gooden (18:48.13)
Mm-hmm.
Adia Gooden (18:55.522)
Hmm. I love that so much. I mean, I think it there's a couple of things that come up for me. So one is the intentionality, right? And it's, you know, one of the things I've been realizing for my own life recently is like, I was having a conversation over my birthday brunch and a friend asked me a question like, when do you work? When do you do the best type of work? And I was like, oh, like, part of my problem is that I'm reactively creating my schedule.
It's like, oh, these are the meetings people have asked me for, or these are the times. And then I'm like fitting myself around it. I'm like, that's a problem. That's part of why I feel stressed. And so it's like the intentionality of designing and deciding proactively to say, hey, here's the schedule that I want. And here is what I want my home space to look like. And here's the relationships that I want. And so I love that sort of.
taking and owning your power as a creator and then deciding and some of what's involved in that is actually slowing down to tune into what do you want? I think some of us can get so caught up in sort of a victim mentality. And that's not to say that there aren't experiences and traumas and systems that can victimize us or that can be oppressive. And we always have some agency and choice.
more agency and choice than we think we have, right? You gave the example of a chronic illness or things like that. And my daughter has, she has sickle cell, right? So sometimes that means we have to go to the hospital and it's really frustrating and it's really disruptive. And I can still choose how I show up for and with her in those moments, for and with myself, for and with my partner and in the hospital. Like I can still choose.
Jamila Reddy (20:41.658)
That's right.
Adia Gooden (20:50.462)
Do I like go kicking and screaming and frustrated and vent? And that's okay if I'm frustrated and that's valid. But do I create a bunch of suffering around this experience or do I sort of move with it with grace, with presence, with compassion, right? And so I think that powerful place of saying, hey,
You know, I'm not going to be, you know, at the mercy of my life. I'm going to be a creator in my life. And that doesn't mean I'm controlling everything. It means that I move with intention and thoughtfulness that I'm making decisions about what I want my life to look like and how I want to kind of engage in the process of my life is what I hear you saying.
Jamila Reddy (21:34.199)
That's exactly it.
Adia Gooden (21:36.786)
Yeah, yeah, I love that. And my mind is always going to worthiness stuff. So I'd love to hear, I have thoughts, but I'd love to hear your thoughts about how you think sort of people claiming their role as a creator in their life and designing their life connects to people claiming their worth and owning the fact that they are worthy.
Jamila Reddy (21:59.342)
Yes. So my personal belief is that we are inherently worthy of everything it is we want. And that is universal regardless. That the moment we were born, that was the only qualification we needed to meet in order to have a beautiful life, was showing up on the planet, assuming a body. Right, I'm like, if you were like, have I done enough? I'm like, if you're here.
Adia Gooden (22:14.914)
Yes.
Adia Gooden (22:23.554)
Hmm.
Jamila Reddy (22:27.746)
you've done enough to be deserving of a beautiful life, to be deserving of how your desires meant, to be deserving of ease and of joy and fulfillment. I'm like, that's it, you just were born. Like you already, every qualification you needed to met, it happened on whatever your birthday was, that's when you fulfilled the only thing you needed to fulfill in order to be worthy, is to be alive. To me, to be a human being alive is the source of your worthiness. And so...
Adia Gooden (22:32.45)
Hmm.
Jamila Reddy (22:55.694)
For me, I see that my humanity is the only requirement that I needed to meet in order to be deserving of everything that I want. And that I also believe that part of why we assume a body, why we are born is to live well, is to live.
Adia Gooden (23:03.694)
Hmm.
Adia Gooden (23:12.238)
Hmm.
Jamila Reddy (23:13.094)
to live well and to live fully and to fulfill our unique mission, whatever our mission is on this planet. I think each and every person has a unique mission that only they can fulfill, and that fulfilling that mission is also a source of our joy. And so I think the way that worthiness connects to lifestyle design is it's giving yourself permission to have what it is you want.
Whatever it is, I think about, you know, I have this, this concept that I like to use called the highest vision, which is like, what is your most like, you know, I always ask my clients, if you had a magic wand and you could really just wave, if you had magic powers and you could say, this is the
Adia Gooden (23:37.398)
Hmm
Jamila Reddy (23:55.734)
If I had unlimited money, unlimited resources, unlimited whatever I needed, no obstacles, every obstacle banished, unlimited resources, what life would you, what would you create? And nine out of 10 times people are like, I'd be like doing my purpose work, have a nice house. I'm like a magic wand, and you're over here talking about like a house and like.
Adia Gooden (24:19.438)
I'm sorry.
Jamila Reddy (24:23.702)
You know, your little project, it's so sweet. I'm like, wow, the highest vision that we have for our lives is so within reach. I mean, I've never asked the person that question and they're like, I would take over the world. No, no one has ever said anything beyond, these are the conditions that need to be met in order for me to feel a sense of thrive.
Adia Gooden (24:26.326)
Hmm
Adia Gooden (24:33.678)
Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
Adia Gooden (24:40.434)
Hehehehehehe
Adia Gooden (24:51.47)
Hmm
Jamila Reddy (24:51.962)
and a sense of like, you know, an absence of regret. And so for me, the, like, the highest vision is like, that is actually the highest vision. When you think about what would I do, what would I do if I actually had unlimited resources and no obstacles whatsoever? That is what you're creating. I'm like, that's your design. That's the blueprint. That's the vision. And so what you're doing with all of the work, you know, the work is,
Adia Gooden (24:55.33)
Hmm
Adia Gooden (25:16.401)
Mm-hmm.
Jamila Reddy (25:21.99)
closing the gap between the highest vision and your current reality. And worthiness is just knowing that like, you don't have to work for it, prove yourself worthy of it. You don't have to do more to be deserving. It's like, no, you actually can just have it. You've done enough. And, you know, I'm like assuming most of the people who are listening to this conversation,
Adia Gooden (25:40.814)
Hmm.
Jamila Reddy (25:50.454)
You, they're not terrible people. I don't know that I've necessarily believe in terrible people. I believe in, I believe in everyone's inherent goodness and that people have terrible things happen to them and they develop, you know, they react to their circumstance and their experiences and you know, hurt people, hurt people. And I think that like believing that you are allowed to have what you want and that you don't have to like jump through hoops to get it, to have it.
Adia Gooden (25:53.238)
Mm-mm.
Adia Gooden (26:00.807)
Mm-hmm.
Jamila Reddy (26:20.238)
that you can just have it because you want it, right? Like that, it's like you can have it because you want it and you're deserving of it because you're alive.
Adia Gooden (26:20.334)
Mm-hmm.
Adia Gooden (26:29.602)
Hmm. Yeah. I mean, I, I completely agree with your definition of worthiness. I love it. Right. The only criteria is being alive. And I think that a lot of what you're saying is, you know, it's counter-cultural, right? Like we don't, at least in the U S live in a culture that says you deserve it, especially if you are, you know,
BIPOC, a woman, right? Like trans, right? Like, especially if you are not fitting into the dominant sort of mainstream upper class, right? That says, no, you're not really supposed to want things. And if you, and only the people, only the white wealthy straight, you know, upper class men.
Jamila Reddy (27:09.796)
Mm-hmm.
Jamila Reddy (27:21.006)
Yeah. Get to have a baby.
Adia Gooden (27:24.45)
Those are the people who can want and expect to have. But almost everyone else, many other people who fall outside of that, you're not expected to want. We see that in even the narratives of like, oh, they're using food stamps to buy lobster and steak. How dare they want good food? How dare they want? They better have work requirements. You better work.
Jamila Reddy (27:40.986)
Right.
Adia Gooden (27:53.042)
for it, right? Like this, this narrative, right? Like we, that's like, we see it in large and small ways. And sometimes it's in our families, right? If you grew up in a family that didn't have a lot of financial resources, like you may have learned not to want things, right? Because you knew that the response was a parent who was already stressed, maybe already overworked, stretching, trying to make the needs met, maybe graciously said, Hey, you can't have that toy because we just don't have money. Or maybe snapped at you.
Right? Because they felt some kind of way that they couldn't give you a toy and work, right? Like, and so there's lots of messages about not wanting. And I think, you know, for those of us who are women of color, BIPOC it's like, you may have been socialized into not wanting. And so even claiming your wanting and your desire is powerful, right? Like even saying, I want that.
Jamila Reddy (28:31.662)
Yes.
Jamila Reddy (28:50.446)
Yes.
Adia Gooden (28:50.966)
Like that's something that I desire and that I want and that wanting can be affirmed and it is okay and it's not a burden to anyone is a powerful step into sort of designing your life because so many of us it's like, well, what does everybody else want? What does everybody else want to eat? What does everybody else want to do? What does everybody else want to see? Right? And so it's like, well, and sometimes people need a practice of tuning into their wanting. I even sometimes start with like,
Jamila Reddy (29:17.966)
Yes.
Adia Gooden (29:19.662)
tuning into your needing. Like when are you hungry? When do you need to rest? When do you need, right? Like tuning into your needing and then we can go tuning into your desires and wanting and owning them and starting to fulfill them even in small ways to help you build up to, yeah, actually I do want some big things and I'm worthy of them. And I'm gonna put myself in a place and sort of take the action that is a line not.
Jamila Reddy (29:37.938)
Mm-hmm.
Adia Gooden (29:48.79)
you know, overworking, but to make those things happen in my life or to call them in.
Jamila Reddy (29:52.59)
Yes, yes, that being so socialized out of wanting is so real. And so, you know, as a recovering people pleaser, I've had to give myself a lot of permission to put my desires and my needs first. I mean, I had this, you know, I'm like, oh, there's this like, this like cultural narrative of like, I'm just so chill, like being so chill and easygoing.
Adia Gooden (30:19.566)
Hmm.
Jamila Reddy (30:21.058)
she's so easy, like she's so agreeable. Like that's kind of a like positive thing that it's like, especially for like women, black women, especially, where it's like, oh, you know, she's easy. You know what I mean? You don't want to ruffle any feathers. Like you said, you don't want to be a burden because we're socialized to be the help. So what the help gon' want? You know, you're not supposed to want nothing. So I'm like, oh, yeah, get.
Adia Gooden (30:28.93)
Hmm?
Adia Gooden (30:32.014)
Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
Adia Gooden (30:44.195)
Mm-mm to barely even get paid. You're not even really supposed to want to, you're supposed to do it out of the goodness of your heart and your generosity and smile and you love, you know, yes.
Jamila Reddy (30:48.774)
your heart. It is not good.
exactly, to make everyone else around you feel comfortable and accommodated. And so I've had to engage in a very deep process of like reclaiming what I call like being picky. I'm like, Oh, I love being picky and particular because what that means in real time is that I, you know, my desires are non-negotiable. I always tell my clients to see your desires as needs of your spirit.
Adia Gooden (30:58.422)
Hmm.
Adia Gooden (31:15.81)
Mmm.
Adia Gooden (31:21.634)
Hmm.
Jamila Reddy (31:21.762)
Because if there is something that your heart wants more than anything, imagine getting to the end of your God willing long life without it. I mean, how could you be, I'm like, that just isn't thriving. Like desires are needs of the heart. So we're like, oh, as long as you have, if you got a roof over your head, you have, you know, got, you know, 32 ounces of water in the day and enough, you know, food not to wither away.
That's supposed to be enough. It's supposed to be enough. And desires are seen as frivolous or extra. Like, oh, well, why do you want that? Like I had someone once ask me, I feel like I really wanna do this, but I don't need it. And so I feel bad for wanting it. I'm like, start to, if you could just try to see everything you want as a need of your heart, as a need of your soul.
Adia Gooden (31:56.238)
Hmm
Adia Gooden (32:16.27)
Hmm
Jamila Reddy (32:19.466)
then I think that is where that permission comes from. I'm like, no, I don't have to DJ. I don't have to do, I'm not gonna die if I don't play a set on a boat somewhere at sunset. I'm not gonna die. But that's just something my heart wants. I can't, like, I can't get rid of it. You know, when I think about, like, whenever I'm doing my, like, yearly goals, I'm like, man, I really wanna DJ a set. Like, that's really what I wanna do. It's a source of joy.
Adia Gooden (32:36.942)
Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
Jamila Reddy (32:46.582)
And so to me, my joy is a need. That's not a desire. My desires are not frivolous and negotiable. Like, oh, well, if I'm not gonna die in its absence, then I can just forget about it. No, that is absolutely essential to my holistic wellbeing. And I'm going to give myself to be particular. And I think that, you know, to me, contentment and fulfillment happens in the micro. It's in the every, it's in the middle. You know, it's not this really big, like,
Adia Gooden (32:49.794)
Hmm
Adia Gooden (33:02.798)
Hmm.
Adia Gooden (33:13.209)
Hmm... Mm-hmm...
Jamila Reddy (33:15.77)
What is the picture of your life? It's like, I have the same cup of tea every morning because I love it. I love it. I'm like Earl Grey with a little milk and honey. It just delights me. And so like raising the sources of my delight, putting them a little bit higher up on the hierarchy. Like we think about, you know, there's like a hierarchy of needs and it's like, okay, I don't need, you know, I don't know the things that I want.
Adia Gooden (33:22.926)
Hmm
Adia Gooden (33:29.474)
Hmm
Adia Gooden (33:40.764)
Mmm.
Jamila Reddy (33:45.058)
I don't need them. I just want them that there's a separation of wanting and needing. And what I always invite people to do is see if you can do away with that distinction and start to see everything you want as like essential to your fulfillment, which is to me, I'm like, how could that be, how could that be optional if you are inherently worthy, which you are, how could your fulfillment be optional? It just doesn't, it, the math ain't mathing.
Adia Gooden (33:55.117)
Hmm.
Adia Gooden (34:03.758)
Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
Jamila Reddy (34:14.058)
I'm like, I can't make sense of it. Like I can't make sense of not having what you want, especially when it's so possible, when it's available to you, you know?
Adia Gooden (34:14.523)
Hehehehehehe
Adia Gooden (34:21.99)
Mm-hmm. Mm, yeah. Yeah, it makes me think of two things. So one is, so you sort of mentioned like being easy. So like, I have never been someone who was able to be easy. Like, I probably have tried, but I've sort of, you know, experienced the people being like, you're kind of difficult and you're kind of too much.
Jamila Reddy (34:37.563)
Love that for you. Love it. For people.
Jamila Reddy (34:46.534)
Yeah, the tumor. A lot, yeah.
Adia Gooden (34:49.038)
too much. That was like a feeling of like all throughout my childhood. And then I would try to like, try to like, OK, like, let's this time, you know, not super consciously, but like, let's keep it, tone it down. And then I'd be like at parties in my early 20s, debating about feminism and like arguing with people. It's like I couldn't. And then I left and I was like, oh, like I did it again. But it's like I couldn't. I just couldn't. I couldn't contain myself. And so in some ways, there's like this beauty of that.
Jamila Reddy (35:08.802)
Do it again!
Adia Gooden (35:16.082)
I also then struggled with feeling like I'm too much for people, people don't really like me. Like, so there's, there's sort of like different ways that we navigate that. And so I guess to the listener, some, some of you may have been sort of closer to my experience of like, you just couldn't keep yourself small and you kept busting out and then people were kind of communicating like, could you be a little smaller? And some of you may have made yourselves very small. And now it's sort of this process of like,
Jamila Reddy (35:36.134)
It's a lot.
Adia Gooden (35:43.978)
Okay, let's make yourself big. Let's take up space, right? Like, let's be full, right? Like all of that. And so we come to this, we have different responses and experiences on this journey. The other thing that I was thinking about when you were sharing is how experiencing disappointment and not being willing to tolerate or not able to tolerate or not having the tools to tolerate and move through that experience can shut down wanting. It's like, well, I'm never gonna ask you for anything again. I don't care.
Jamila Reddy (36:01.132)
Mm.
Jamila Reddy (36:12.838)
That's right. That's exactly right.
Adia Gooden (36:12.958)
Like that sort of hardness that we develop of like, I asked you for something, you didn't, you disappointed me, you didn't show up for me. That's it, I'm done. Yeah, it's cool. It's cool, that's fine. Right, like we know, I think especially in the black community, like when someone says, that's cool, no, I'm good, you're good. It's shutting down, right? Like it's over and it's not cool, right? Not cool. So, you know, just...
Jamila Reddy (36:22.178)
Yeah, that's right.
Jamila Reddy (36:29.642)
Oh yeah, now I'm good. That's cool. Yeah.
Jamila Reddy (36:35.812)
It is in fact not cool, okay? Not cool. Yeah.
Adia Gooden (36:41.39)
Part of, I think, being willing to claim your desires is also being willing to move through disappointment when it comes, because it'll come. And not feeling like it's the end of the world, not feeling like because I was disappointed or someone wasn't able to show up or I didn't get this thing that means I'm unworthy. I love the tool of self-compassion. I don't know for you, it might be breath work, right? But you know what I mean?
Adia Gooden (37:11.298)
the disappointment and acknowledge that the disappointment reflects your desire not being met, but doesn't mean that you have, there was a problem with your desire. It's a human experience that we need to learn to move through. And then I think that if we know that we can face disappointment and accept it and move through it, then it's easier also to claim our wants because we know even if it doesn't happen, I'm not going to fall apart.
Jamila Reddy (37:35.686)
That's right. Yes.
Adia Gooden (37:37.386)
It's not the end of the world, right? Like it is disappointing. I can deal with the disappointment and I can keep wanting and desiring and move forward.
Jamila Reddy (37:45.414)
That's exactly right. And it's in that language of being able to tolerate the disappointment because in the pursuit of a life that lights you up, you are going to face a whole host of disappointment, fear, anxiety, sadness. I mean, there's like difficult emotions are an inevitable part of being alive. And this is something, you know, I don't know if how much of you know my story, but from 2016 to 2018,
18 I experienced back-to-back losses of some loved ones of two beloved friends who died by suicide and then my sister who passed Suddenly and then my father who died of a cancer journey and I what those truly traumatic experiences Revealed to me is that? Uncomfortable feelings are an inevitable part of being alive
Adia Gooden (38:25.934)
Hmm.
Jamila Reddy (38:41.282)
And I had spent so many years living in avoidance of uncomfortable feelings. I don't wanna leap because what if I'm embarrassed or what if I fall and it hurts? Or what if I leap and the net doesn't catch me and I'm disappointed? Or what if I suffer from yearning? So I'm just not gonna, you know what? I'm just gonna keep it, I'm just gonna be easygoing, totally okay with whatever happens, very neutral, very, you know, this kind of like,
Adia Gooden (38:41.859)
Hmm.
Adia Gooden (39:00.686)
Hmm
Adia Gooden (39:05.154)
Hmm
Jamila Reddy (39:11.434)
false, like being okay with whatever life throws my way. Like I don't really care how it turns out. Attitude was actually a defense mechanism to protect me against emotional discomfort. And what I learned through journeying with grief, there is no protection. There is no protection from emotional distress and discomfort.
Adia Gooden (39:13.059)
Hmm.
Adia Gooden (39:25.314)
Hmm.
Adia Gooden (39:31.447)
Hmm
Jamila Reddy (39:34.67)
That is a hard pill to swallow, but I can absolutely guarantee that every single human past, present, and future is going to experience emotional distress, emotional difficulty. You cannot avoid it. So I'm like, oh, the playing small so that you don't get your feelings hurt? Your feelings are going to get hurt, babe. They're going to get hurt. Whether or not it's because you didn't get what you wanted in the pursuit or because
your loved ones are going to transition into the ancestor realm because that is the cycle of life and death. And so because difficult emotions are an inevitable part of the human experience, what a gift you can offer yourself to learn how to tolerate them so that you can be with them. And another thing I learned is that they're temporary. I thought for sure the grief was going to take me under. I just knew it. I was like, I don't.
Adia Gooden (40:24.866)
Hmm.
Adia Gooden (40:29.261)
Mmm.
Jamila Reddy (40:31.766)
I didn't want to die, but I wanted to like disappear. Like I just, there were moments where I was like, just snap my fingers and just take a break. Just take a break because it was so intense that I was, it felt I was unable to tolerate it. But what I did was breathe.
Adia Gooden (40:37.122)
Hmm.
Adia Gooden (40:43.682)
Hmm
Adia Gooden (40:52.162)
Hmm.
Jamila Reddy (40:54.07)
and wait until the feeling passed. I'm like, oh, it's like having a guest walk in your front door with a machete and you're like, oh my God, oh my God, I'm gonna die. And then you look the guest in the face and you breathe. And after a few moments, they let themselves out the same way they came. But people are, we're boarding the doors. We're like.
Adia Gooden (40:57.931)
Hmm.
Adia Gooden (41:11.185)
Hmm.
Adia Gooden (41:18.102)
Hmm
Jamila Reddy (41:21.954)
You know, all of the arms, it's like, no baby, take a deep breath. I mean, and it seems so simple, but breathing saved me. That is why I teach meditation and breath work, because these are the tools that I use to tolerate, and by tolerate, I mean be with the momentary, temporary discomfort of emotional distress. That is one of my greatest superpowers. Oh, I'm going to sit with it.
Adia Gooden (41:25.578)
Mmm.
Adia Gooden (41:32.834)
Mmm.
Adia Gooden (41:50.102)
Hmmmm...
Jamila Reddy (41:51.326)
Oh, best you believe what I'm going to do is absolutely drop into a diaphragmatic breath and breathe through the discomfort until it passes. Because then I can, you know, I was gonna, I don't know what I was doing the other day, but I was like, I feel nervous. I was about to teach or speak. I don't even remember. I don't even remember what it was, but I just, you know, I was like, ah, the anxiety. And I'm like, what I know to be true is that I can make it to the other side of this. Like I, I
I know how to be with the discomfort long enough to pursue what it is I want and not live in avoidance of emotional distress. I think that's what a lot of people are doing is like, how do I minimize the likelihood that I'm going to experience an uncomfortable feeling like disappointment or hurt or grief or anxiety? How do I?
we're designing our lives based on how to minimize the chances for me to feel bad. And so what I learned is like you could spend your precious resources and your creative power trying to avoid emotional discomfort or you could spend that same energy trying to maximize emotional well-being and fulfillment. It's the same amount of energy actually and
Adia Gooden (42:50.031)
Hmm.
Jamila Reddy (43:17.11)
It can't be avoided. I'm like, it's a frivolous effort. Let me tell you, speaking from experience, I tried. Oh, how I tried. I tried so hard not to feel uncomfortable feelings. Guess what? You can't. And so knowing that I can, I'm like, oh, what I can do is offer myself tools and practices and strategies is to establish an extensive toolkit.
Adia Gooden (43:19.956)
Wait.
Adia Gooden (43:23.479)
Hmm
Adia Gooden (43:29.09)
Mmm.
Jamila Reddy (43:43.35)
of resources, physical, mental, emotional, spiritual resources that help me tolerate the inevitable discomfort of being a human on the planet. I'm like, that's why self-care. To me, it's like that is a, and that's why I, you know, I talk about joy as preventative medicine and I talk about ease as a proactive coping strategy. That the more you have joy and ease as your baseline.
Adia Gooden (43:53.806)
Mmm.
Adia Gooden (44:03.202)
Hmm.
Jamila Reddy (44:12.814)
That that's nine out of 10 days, I got joy and ease and fulfillment as my baseline. So when something happens where it's like, ouch, not feeling the joy, I know for sure what I'm getting back to is joy as a baseline because I've designed my life to have that be my home base. And so that like the not being able to tolerate is something we can change.
Adia Gooden (44:22.824)
Mm.
Adia Gooden (44:34.871)
Hmm.
Jamila Reddy (44:40.226)
is something we have absolute control over. You can build your tolerance. You can increase your capacity through like practicing taking a deep breath, through rest, through joy, through letting yourself be supported, through delegating. Like there are things that increase your capacity to be able to face life head on and not live in avoidance of hardship. So like that is within our control.
Adia Gooden (44:53.698)
Hmm
Adia Gooden (45:10.854)
Hmm. I love that. I am so grateful that you shared your experience of grief and losing people really close to you because I think it could be easy for people to listen to you talking about designing your life and creating your life and joy and make the conclusion, the erroneous conclusion that, well, everything must be easy for her.
Right? Like everything must be fine. Right? Like just, you know what I mean? And so I'm so glad that you shared it. And I agree with you. Right? We could, like the image I got when you were talking was you could make your house, right? If you're a metaphorical house is your life, a cylinder, you know, a concrete cylinder box with like slit windows so nothing can get in.
Jamila Reddy (45:34.619)
Erroneous
Adia Gooden (46:00.594)
No one can see you. You can't see out to the mess of the world, right? And so you're protected and defended, but then you don't see the world, right? And maybe you never leave because if you leave, then something might happen, right? And so we could try to avoid it, but when we avoid the challenges of life, we also cut ourselves off from the richness, right? Like you cannot have connection and acceptance and rich nourishing relationships without the risk of rejection.
Jamila Reddy (46:20.846)
That's it.
Adia Gooden (46:29.278)
You just cannot have it. Right? And so it's like embracing this full life experience as you're saying, giving room, right? Like part of what I was hearing is like giving space, giving breath to the hard things and making room for the good things. That's when we're living life full out. That's when we're thriving. That's when life is vibrant. And when we're playing small, when we're playing in protection mode, when we're trying to avoid the challenges of life.
Jamila Reddy (46:29.338)
Period. You cannot.
Adia Gooden (46:58.71)
We still experience the challenges of life and we experience fewer joys and fewer, less aliveness. Right? And so it's like, actually this game that you try to play that your mind convinces you to try to just keep yourself safe, results in a life full of regrets, full of like, I didn't take that chance. I didn't make that connection. I didn't go for that. I didn't prioritize my wants. Right? And so it's like, if you're going to experience the hurts of challenges of life,
Jamila Reddy (47:00.332)
Right.
That's right!
Jamila Reddy (47:16.014)
Right. That's right.
Adia Gooden (47:28.542)
might as well play full out. Let your knee get skinned, you know it's gonna heal. Right, like go out, get on that court, get on that field and play instead of sitting on the sidelines thinking, but what if I get a bruise? What if I trip and fall? What if someone laughs at me? Like they're gonna laugh at you anyway. They're gonna, you're gonna trip and fall over your feet, stand on the sidelines, whatever, like go play. Yeah.
Jamila Reddy (47:30.054)
That's right.
Jamila Reddy (47:37.102)
right. Yeah.
Jamila Reddy (47:53.634)
Yeah. And it's like, you know, I tell people you can prepare yourself. It's like some, you know, I see people, you know, you're like, people are manifesting and I'm like, but do you have a morning routine? Because if you're getting on the court, like no Olympic athlete, it's like life is an Olympic game. So if you were to show up at the Olympics, not having stretched, trained, you've been eating, you know what I mean? Any old whatever for the last three months.
Adia Gooden (48:04.483)
Hmm.
Jamila Reddy (48:22.894)
Baby, you're gonna struggle and you might, you probably not go in. But it's like, if you, you don't have to just, it's like, you can actually prepare yourself for the life you're calling in. And you can prepare yourself for these big leaps. That's why I'm like, self-care is foundational for manifestation because it helps you establish, you sort of prepare, you prepare yourself. You can prepare your nervous system to be set to.
Adia Gooden (48:32.502)
Mmm.
Adia Gooden (48:48.898)
Mm.
Jamila Reddy (48:50.198)
regulated. You can actually change your default setting through a regular meditation or mindfulness practice. You can change your default setting to neutral, receptive, and calm. You can absolutely. So yes, so then you get on the court and you hurt yourself and you're like, oh actually, like, oh I got my ice pack, I got my water, I got my band-aids. Like you can prepare yourself so that
You're not just having, you know, it's, I think people say like leap and the net will appear and I'm like, okay, you can have a little like self care kit for the when you're falling because there's a period of time between the leap and the net where you're going to need a little, you're going to be absolutely falling. And you need to have like, maybe bring a little blanket, you know, comfort yourself. So like comfort, like tolerating.
Adia Gooden (49:28.016)
Mmm.
Adia Gooden (49:41.593)
I'm sorry.
Jamila Reddy (49:45.466)
soothing yourself, like self-soothing, bringing yourself back so that you're not just like completely, you know, it's so vulnerable. Like you said, you have to risk rejection in order to experience connection, right? And so it's like, you know, I think sometimes people are like, I don't want to, like, I don't have it. Life be life-ing. And sometimes we just like, I actually don't have the energy or the capacity to be like.
vulnerable Monday through Friday, like I'm tired. You know, I go to work and then you got the, you know, it's like, are you parenting? There's like a lot of things that sort of deplete our resources. So we don't have resources available to do the creating and to do the manifesting and to do the big leaps of faith. And so like restoring yourself and giving yourself space to return to that baseline, that homeostasis of like.
feeling good, like that is what prepares us to have this sort of thriving, vibrant life that you're describing, that you're talking about. It's like there are things we can do to get ready. There are things we can do to make it less likely that disruptions are going to throw us off for a long period of time. I mean, I know, you know, when I first started off on my journey, a setback, you know, I would do a vulnerable thing and I would have, I mean, I would be in hermit mode. I would have to recover.
I would have to be in recovery after being vulnerable. Brene Brown talks about vulnerability hangovers. And so what I wanted to do was just reduce the amount of time that it takes me to recover from hardship. It doesn't mean I'm living in avoidance of hardship. No, it's the amount of time it takes me to get back to my baseline gets smaller and smaller and smaller and shorter every single time. And so just like knowing that, like, oh, I have
Adia Gooden (51:13.334)
Hmm.
Jamila Reddy (51:39.962)
There's so many things that you can do to increase your capacity for living fully. So that life doesn't have to just like kind of toss you around that you can really be in collaboration because you're prepared. You've trained up. You're going to the Olympics after having daily, daily practice of, you know, stretching and moving and nourishing and hydrating and doing your mental preparation, like you can't show up to the game and think you're going to win if you've not done any training.
Adia Gooden (51:45.538)
Hmm
Adia Gooden (51:49.42)
Yes.
Jamila Reddy (52:09.55)
That is, so it's like training, whatever that looks like to you. For me, it's breath work, it's meditation, it's nervous system regulation, but for other people, it could look different. But it's like, know what you need to do to show up at your most powerful, and then honor that wholeheartedly. It will change your life.
Adia Gooden (52:10.103)
Hmm
Adia Gooden (52:26.434)
Hmm.
Adia Gooden (52:30.334)
I love that. I totally agree. And I think, yeah, the emphasis here, these are skills that you can learn, right? This is not a, some people have it and some people don't, right? Let's go back into like tapping into your power. You can choose to practice these skills, right? Like you can choose to use meditation and breath work. You can choose to practice self-compassion. You can choose to make sure you're drinking water and resting yourself and nourishing yourself.
You know, we talked about lifestyle design and I encourage those who are listening, like I'm hoping you're feeling inspired because I feel like this is just like a mindset, life-shifting conversation. And I encourage you to start with like one thing because sometimes we can feel overwhelmed and like, where do I start? It's like, okay, maybe you need to drink more water. Maybe you're ready to start trying out meditation and you've heard about it in a way that like shifted your thinking about it this time. And you're like, okay, maybe that's gonna be
Jamila Reddy (53:11.589)
Yes.
Adia Gooden (53:26.43)
my training, but choose one thing and then do an experiment, do it for a week and see how it feels and then add another thing, right? And again, Jamila said, you know, you're creating your blueprint of your fantasy and then you want to create sort of these steps that you can take to build on things as you're getting closer. So it doesn't have to be everything at once. It can be one thing and then another thing and build on it and be gentle and kind to yourself in the process. And remember that this is not about.
proving or performing to the world that you do the best self care. It's about feeling good on the inside out so that your life is designed and feels the way you want it to feel. I feel like we could talk about this for like hours. Like I am so loving this conversation with you and we're also like at time. So I just want to get went by real quick. I just want to thank you for.
Jamila Reddy (54:00.666)
Right.
Jamila Reddy (54:10.668)
Right.
Jamila Reddy (54:22.479)
So.
Adia Gooden (54:23.41)
sharing your wisdom and sharing your insights. And I know that people are going to wanna connect with you further, wanna know like what you're up to, what you're offering. So let people know about your website and Instagram. And I know, I don't know if you're still doing it, but that you sometimes offer guided meditations and things like that. So I'm imagining people are gonna wanna hear about that. So let us know where we can find you.
Jamila Reddy (54:45.942)
Yes. So you can find everything that I offer on my website. It's jamilaready.me. And my Instagram is @ jamilaready.
I, as of now, I'm doing free weekly Saturday morning breath work and meditation on Zoom. It's open to all. You can just drop in. Sessions are no longer than 30 minutes. They're for all levels. And so just sort of just a grounding practice to anchor your week. I have a library of master classes on my website about, you know, just really teaching the how. Something that I, it's so important to me is actually like, what are...
You know, I talk about the toolkit and the strategies. It's like, no, these, what are they? How do I do it?
So I have a library of master classes that really get into the practical strategies and the techniques that you can use to sort of step into this role as the empowered creator of your life and to navigate, you know, the difficult moments, the lows. So you could take a master class with me. I also offer one-on-one private coaching. So if you're interested in going deep with me, you can do a one-time 90-minute session or you can work with me long term.
ways, but I'm out here on these internet streets, I'm on Instagram and you can, you know, scroll to your heart's desire. I offer a lot of tools and techniques on my page that I hope, you know, I intend that those really serve people you can like go through and hopefully take away something that can, you know, get you started. Like you said, that one small step. So there's lots of resources there and yeah, I'm around and would love to hear from, would love to hear from y'all.
Adia Gooden (56:05.934)
Hehehe
Adia Gooden (56:31.818)
Awesome. Well, thank you so much. I so appreciate your time, your energy, your wisdom.
Jamila Reddy (56:37.786)
Thank you, thank you, thank you. And same to you, this was such a joyful conversation.[cheerful music starts]
Dr. Adia Gooden [00:46:48] Thanks for joining me this week on the Unconditionally Worthy Podcast. Make sure to visit my website, dradiagooden.com and subscribe to the show on iTunes so you'll never miss an episode. You can also follow me on social media at Dr. Adia Gooden. If you loved the show, please leave a review on iTunes so we can continue to bring you amazing episodes. Lastly, if you found this episode helpful and know someone who might benefit from hearing it, please share it. Thanks for listening and see you next episode.
[cheerful music ends]
This episode was produced by Crys & Tiana and the music is by Wataboi.
Cali by Wataboi https://soundcloud.com/wataboi
Creative Commons — Attribution 3.0 Unported — CC BY-SA 3.0
Music promoted by FDL Music https://youtu.be/ZdQI7WQWi_g
Have you been trying to avoid failure and disappointment and ended up living on the sidelines of life? Have you been so worried about the opinions of others or caught up in people pleasing that you have become disconnected from the desires of your heart?
I know these are deep questions but they are so important to wrestle with if we want to claim our worth, design our lives, and start living full out. This is exactly what my guest and I talk about on this episode of Unconditionally Worthy. Jamila Reddy, a transformational coach, intuitive guide, writer, and breathwork facilitator is my guest on this week’s episode and I can’t wait for you to listen to our powerful conversation and see the shifts it helps you to make in your life.
Listen in as we discuss how to design a life that you truly desire, cultivating practices to tolerate disappointment so you can get out on the field of life and play full out, and how breathwork helped Jamila move through deep grief.
3 Signs that you need to design your life
You’re not feeling fulfilled
So often we live our lives without being fulfilled. In this episode, Jamila talks about what her friend refers to as being fulfilled on a “soulular” level. Fulfillment is often overlooked as a priority and yet when we don’t do things or design our life in a way that fulfills our soul we often feel worn down, exhausted, and even burned out.
You’re not enjoying your life
Connected to fulfillment, Jamila shares that she prioritizes joy as an essential part of her life. Designing a life that centers our joy is a powerful way to claim our worth. We don’t have to work for joy or overextend ourselves to be worthy of joy, we are worthy of enjoying our lives because we were born.
You’re not owning your desires
In our discussion we talk about the challenges we have with owning our desires. First because we often focus on the surface level of what we want: we want a nice house, we want a good job, we want a partner, and kids, etc. Jamila encourages us to look deeper into our desires to uncover what is at the core of what we want. Often, this looks like a desire for security, connection, stability, intimacy, etc. When Jamila coaches people on manifesting and designing the lives they want she guides them to focus on the foundational desires they would like to build into their lives.
In our conversation, we also talk about how it can be hard to own our desires because many of us have been socialized out of wanting. We may have grown up with limited resources or experienced disappointments that taught us not to want things. But when we don’t own our desires, our needs and wants won’t get met so while it’s vulnerable to say what we want, it also opens us up to actually get what we want.
Tips for designing your life:
“Lifestyle design is the process of creating, intentionally creating a life that lights you up.” - Jamila Reddy
Make intentional choices about your life. Instead of letting other people or outside forces tell you what you should want in your life, take the time to make intentional decisions about what you want your life to be like. This doesn’t mean we can control everything (we can’t) but we can choose how we engage with the challenges and opportunities that come our way.
Prioritize your joy. Joy is not an optional part of life, it is an essential part of living fully and is an important pillar of designing your life. If you’re not sure what brings you joy, take some time to get curious about what lights you up and gives you energy and when you feel most joyful. Once you know those things, prioritize intentionally incorporating them into your life.
Remember that you are worthy of designing your life. When we struggle with self-worth it can be easy to feel like we are not worthy of intentionally designing a life that centers our joy. We may feel that we will only feel worthy of that after achievements or receiving approval from others. This is your reminder that you are worthy of designing your life now.
Play full out. When you step into your power as a creator in your life you start playing full out. This can be scary because you may worry that you might fail or be disappointed along the way. This fear often leads us to shrink, hide, and stay on the sidelines of our lives. The truth is that there will be failure and disappointments on our life journeys, this is true even if we don’t play full out but the difference is that we add in regret because we didn’t go for what we truly wanted. When you play full out you may get bruised or experience failures and you’ll also be proud and have the opportunity to actually make the goal.
Identify practices to cope with challenges. Because life is not without it’s challenges, it’s important to have practices that ground and center you and support your healing along the journey. In the episode, Jamila shares the power of breath work and how that carried her through incredible grief. I also want to remind you about my course Date Yourself: 4 Weeks to Healthy Relationship with You which guides you to let go of your inner critic, which often keeps you on the sidelines, practice self-compassion which is healing and grounding, and engage in personalized sustainable self-care. All of these things support you in navigating life’s challenges with grace.
Be sure to listen to the full episode to hear more about Jamila’s recommendations for designing your life, her take on unconditional self-worth, and our dynamic conversation about how to navigate disappointments in life while still centering joy.
Relevant Resources:
Enroll to the Date Yourself course: 4 Weeks to a Healthy Relationship With You www.unconditionallyworthy.com/dateyourself
Jamila’s Breathwork Course
https://jamilareddy.me/courses/breathworkandmeditation
Dr. Adia’s Free E-Book: 4 Practices to Connect with Your Unconditional Self-Worth
About Jamila Reddy:
Jamila Reddy is a transformational coach, intuitive guide, writer, and breathwork facilitator on a mission to live expansively, authentically, and joyfully — and to help others do the same.
Jamila is passionate about experiencing the fullness of pleasure, bliss, and miracles that this life has to offer. Through heart-shares on social media, workshop facilitation, online courses, and her podcast, she helps people gather tools for the journey of creating a life that exceeds their wildest dreams.
Jamila’s intention is to inspire and accompany people as they do the work to transform, stand in their power, and be fully who they are.
To connect further with Jamila:
Connect with her on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/jamilareddy/
Check out her website: https://jamilareddy.me/
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